NORMAL ?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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RealityHelp50
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NORMAL ?

Post by RealityHelp50 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:08 am

I was wondering if people could share their story regarding the recovery of their son or daughter. My son is in a long term rehab program. He's clean and doing OK, but he is very angry and agitated with me. He became a meth addict his freshman year of college. Before he was an addict we had a great relationship. He was not an easy personality, often played victim and was sort of argumentative about stuff.

Since his recovery he blames me for everything. Of course, ridiculous. He's responsible for his own actions. He was raised in a good, happy home and he has had some struggles growing-up and being responsible. He had very supportive and loving parents. He's 20 years old now. When will he start to take responsibility for his own actions and stop playing victim? Will he ever return to normal or sort of normal? How long do people need to be off drugs before their brains heal.

Suejan
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by Suejan » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:33 am

This is only my experience. My son went to sober living homes with “program” at 21-22-23 , once for 30 days- then 21/2 months, then about 4 months- with no real change in personality or habits of assigning blame. He was still entitled, and expected the world from us, you know that conversation. “Mom I need”. “Son we cant afford..” “ I know mom and I feel bad but...”
This time- was different. 3 weeks in he had his counsellor call us to tell us he was grateful, and he knew he was where he needed to be. He couldnt call, as he is in a 2 year program with zero contact for 3 months with the outside world. He just finished his 6 th month. There is zero deferral of blame. There is nothing but love between us now. He is having to deal with his self blame- and its hard- and he has struggles with it- but none of it is directed at us.
The difference was the right program at the right time for him- he truly was not ready the other times.
I was blessed to see him last week for 2 hours (only the 2nd time in 6 months) and he told me the story of a few fellows who had been there briefly, who left under various terms, one even cutting himself to get to the hospital. My son said “they just were not at that point of helplessness and surrender yet” and were not desperate enough to change.
Sorry for the long reply- I guess I feel when my son was still blaming others for his mistakes and problems- he was not really in recovery. It was not length of time, it was when he was ready.
For today- I am so proud for him in what he has accomplished. I wish you well:)
Susan

MarieW
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by MarieW » Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:35 pm

Great questions. I wish I had answers. My son is 24 and I'm just starting to see him take more responsibility for his life. He still exhibits a lot of addict behavior, even though he has been clean for about 6 months.

I've learned to just let it roll off my back and to not take it personally. When he is acting respectful and responsible, I am willing to be around him. When he isn't, I'm not. And I'm not holding my breath expecting him to grow up and change any time soon.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

DeanW
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by DeanW » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:24 pm

Great questions. I don't know the answers...following.

Dannie
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by Dannie » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:31 pm

I went through the same thing with my AS-until now. Years and years of love, anger, laughs, blame... it was so confusing and upsetting. He is in rehab for the second time and this time he has a counselor who doesnt allow him to blame others. His other counselor did. Now he is working on himself he told me yesterday at our visit. He is learning that he has choices and things aren't or weren't as bad as he made them out to be when he was blaming everyone else for his problems. So, I think for my AS it has to do with good therapy that made him see things how they really should be seen.

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endoftheroad
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by endoftheroad » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:22 am

If only their brains could recover as quickly as we would have it! I understand your frustration. I was the butt of my son's anger when he was 20 and in recovery as well! I had to get over it! I wish I had Naranon those many years ago!

And so, my son is now 28 and still in active addiction, but he has had times of pretty good recovery.

I can share that over the years, I read everything I could by experts and doctors about "addiction", particularly the effects to the brain. Not meaning to daunt you, but it takes years of recovery for the brain to recover.

I guess I would ask you what you are doing for your recovery from his addiction? He is in long term rehab, a miracle by anyone's standards and doing his hard work. Recovery from addiction is not a straight line and it is forever! I learned that it was important for me to change my thinking about my son and put the focus on Me.

You will hear and read a very powerful message here. Meetings, Sponsor and the 12 Steps. This simple program is the key to your Serenity!
Keep coming back! We are here for you!
This is the easier softer way.....

hope1
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by hope1 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 3:24 am

I dont know that there is a normal set time frame. Just like we recover at our own pace so do they. It is not straight forward progress, there is peaks and valleys. My daughter is approaching close to two years but had a couple of very short slips (one day) . In the beginning she was sullen, and playing the victim role when she could. I have noticed a huge change in her the last year. Part of it could just be natural maturity as she was very young when this started (19)but she is now beginning to show a lot more appreciation and accepts responsibility for herself most times. Most importantly is how i have learned to not react to whatever her mood is. I am only responsible for me and i have done my job as a parent and i did it well. It just didnt turn out the way i had anticipated.

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Ronni
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by Ronni » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:48 am

As one of my very wise Naranon peers said to me, "Normal is just a setting on the dryer."

Your normal and mine may be very different. Normal for me when my AS was active was completely entitled behavior. He wasn't usually directly nasty to me, but his entitlement put him first and everyone else at best last, and at worst non-existent, so all around him felt the effects of his use, me most of all because I was the one who was the most up close and personal.

He was active for a long time, since his late teens. He's late 30's now and has been sober for the last three years and is working hard to remain so, and to rebuild his life. I started to see glimmers of the man he used to be after about year one, though many of his decisions and actions still left me wide-eyed and perplexed, though I have been working a strong program for some time now, so I stayed out of things...not my circus, not my monkeys ;)

It's been three years now, and he's more "normal" than he's been since he started using. He is generous of spirit, humorous, warm and loving, easy to get along with and compassionate, all of which disappeared when he was using. I still see aspects of brain malfunction in his short term memory issues and problem solving skills, but that seems to be continuing to improve, though slowly.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

Claytonmomof2
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:52 am

My AH did a lot of blaming others (me) when he was in rehab. I spoke with the counselor about it and he said he'd give him a little more time to see if he was able to place the blame where it needed to be and then he'd start pushing him to that realization. Well, my AH left prior to getting that far. He wasn't ready....he thought he was ready for recovery but he wasn't. I took the family programs class while he was there and they taught a lot on the brain of an addict. The actual recovery of the brain they say takes at least a year, but that varies depending on the length of use, amount of use and what was used. I'm hopeful that one day he will truly seek recovery and be in a place where he'd be more receptive to the treatment programs.

judyg
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Re: NORMAL ?

Post by judyg » Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:01 am

My family was affected negatively by the disease of addiction for decades--first my husband, then my two sons. We were as sick and dysfunctional as can be. For long periods of time one or the other of my family members expressed hatred and blame against me and others. At times, I did the same. Over time, I began to work a program of recovery. My sons started and stopped and started and stopped to do the same. Eventually there was a shift. My older son got serious about recovery. Then my younger. They each did this after moving away and getting in long term programs that included 3 months "in patient" of sorts and 6 additional months sober living. They began to support themselves 100%. I began to allow them the dignity of making their own decisions and being responsible for their own acts. I have been working a program steadily for 8 years now. My sons have over 3 and over 2 years respectively clean. We love each other unconditionally. We have made our amends as appropriate and on a regular basis, with mutual respect and love. We are not perfect. But we are healing. At the root of it, I firmly believe, my serenity, my peace, my recovery, my joy was, and is, my responsibility and theirs was, and is, theirs.

it works if you work it.

Judy

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