Emotional Roller coaster

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Emotional Roller coaster

Post by loveandrespect » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:49 pm

I am tired of this emotional roller coaster. My highs and lows are too many. I am tired of waking up at night, rehashing this situation over and over again. I can't talk to anyone face to face about this because I will end up in tears. I look at other families with envy.
One little message from my son and I feel relief, no response I am on tender hooks. I am divided as to how I go forward. I know that I have to let go. I accept that he is an adult and will make his own decisions, I have no influence or control over my AS.
My only communication atm is by messenger. He has blocked my phone number, he says he is ok, I take heart that at least he has responded. I know he is struggling and has no help around him except his "so called" drug mates. Even if he wanted help there is no professional help where he lives. Since I have not been able to speak directly to him I emailed him a note, telling him I loved him unconditionally and will always be there for him, but no more financial support which included no bail, no lawyers if he got himself into further trouble, no more lectures and that I continued to have faith and hope that he will choose the right path. His answer to that was "I will ring you when I want to talk ok".
My dilemma is - I want to still continue to send him brief messages (as I have done in the past) just to stay in contact. Wanting to keep it light and nothing to do with his current situation. Am I helping him? or me?, I will be riding the emotional roller coaster whether I do or don't. I feel the need to keep in contact even if its not a phone call. I can't seem to let go completely and let him just disappear out of my life.
Please tell me what you have done, it may help me decide what it best.

Hugs to everyone who is on this terrible journey of addiction with me.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by handensco » Sun Nov 26, 2017 11:35 pm

I always sent text messages or emails to my daughter when she was alive no matter what had happened. I had cut her off from the financial help. I would always get calls this time of year and would meet her and buy her lunch and a pack of smokes. A few Christmases she would ask if she could come over. she was always welcome for that day and dinner but not to spend the night.
Always keep the messages going of love and support. you will at least know that you have tired. I lost my daughter a year ago. I know that I did the right thing and every day send a message. I missed about 3 days before her death. I sent 1 a couple of days before but no response. She did tell a friend of hers to tell me she was sorry and she loved me. Keep sending messages of love. I hope I said that enough.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by Ma1954 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:22 am

I just, the other day, lost it on my son. The most recent things started with emergency dental care. I took him to the dentist and he had four teeth pulled. On the way home he asked me to pull over so he could get some yogurt at the store, that's not all he was getting. He finally told me what was going on. I totally lost it and was cursing and told him I hated him. I took him home. the next week was Thanksgiving. I brought over his mail and left food and water by his door. Then he called me and wanted his birth certificate and other papers. I took them to him. It was Thanksgiving morning I bought him a turkey sandwich and gave him a gift card for gas. (he is not allowed to come for dinner, my husband hates him) On Saturday my AS/RAS called and said he was broke down and needed $150.00 to get towed. He would meet me so I wouldn't have to drive all the way to his apartment. I gave it to him and told him to never call me again because it is always for money (he has run me into the ground financially). I feel really sick over this but I can't be by him he manipulates me all the time. I wish he would block my phone calls. Sorry for the rant. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by Suejan » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:45 am

My son always knew we loved him- even when he was ranting and raging at us- even when we could not tolerate his presence for various reasons.
When I reached out to him at those times- it wasnt for his sake- it really was for me and my needs- and every single time it led to no good. The demands, lies, manipulation just would start up again.
I didnt need to reach out to him- he knew we were here when he wanted to get well- and that he was loved. I should have left well enough alone. I would always hear from him eventually— and it was almost always not good and it was always hurtful and damaging to us.
Now I have only talked to him twice in 6+ months- he's doing well- and I am ok knowing he is ok and knows still he remains loved.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by jeanette » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:03 am

Here in nar-anon we understand the language of tears -

It is perfectly fine to cry through a meeting - to call up a nar-anon friend and meet up and cry - and get a hug and know you are not alone
and the some day (as evidenced by those who are no longer crying through a meeting) you can gain what we have -
serenity, strength, hope, grace

welcome to nar-anon!
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by Auntie2 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:37 am

Even though my sister is in “recovery”. She is still not talking to me. She blames me for the fallout of her drug use and will follow her husband off a cliff if he leads her there which he usually does and he hates me because I threaten his control over her. It’s not logical and I should be mad but I realize she is sick, drugs in system or not. I still send her messages just as I did when she was using. I still don’t get a response except for the rare occasion. A text is easy to send. It used to make me upset that she doesn’t respond. It still does but I don’t get as worked up as before. I have no idea the right way to handle this kind of situation. I think if you want to send him a message, send it. That doesn’t mean you’re giving up your bottom line. It never hurts anyone to know they are loved.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:02 am

Yes, the emotional roller coaster..... it's like a ping pong game in my brain and heart going back and forth with various emotions, various scenarios, various "what if's" and the coulda, shoulda, woulda. Not easy and there's no right or wrong answer that I can find. Each situation is unique and different and the characters in each play act on a different stage to a different script of each their own. Lately I've really tried to examine EVERY single phone call and text for the motive and the benefits. For me, I need to really examine what it is that I'm trying to get back from a text. If I'm going to send something I need to fully understand that I may not get what I was hoping for in response and I need to be prepared for that. Unless I feel confident that an unfavorable response will be ok with me then maybe I shouldn't send the text at all. It may do more harm than good. Ultimately my AH knows that I love him (the real him) and that I want him healthy. My prayer has always been, for all of us, that we'd be "Happy, Healthy and Safe" - what more could you want in life? He knows that deep within him already. My texts to him are simply for my own sake and with an unfavorable response they were beginning to do more harm than good for me. So currently I'm refraining from texting. I'm also not obligated to answer phone calls at this point. For me it may be best to hear a voicemail to understand what the call is for so that I can gather my response, if one is necessary, and not be put on the spot where a reaction may cause more damage than good. The same process holds true for text that I receive from him. I need to analyze how I might respond first and what my response may trigger. If I can't come up with a response that I'm 100% set on then I simply don't respond. I don't have to. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. I'm hopeful that my new boundaries, although currently keeping us very distant, will one day bring us closer together. I have to protect my own emotions and those of my children, and in the process I'm hopeful that will not only protect us but may have a ripple effect towards recovery for all of us. This year, it's been an emotional roller coaster for sure. There are many seats on roller coasters - we're all in this together - no roller coaster has a single seat. So look around, throw your hands up or hang on, and try to enjoy the ride through life. :)

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by MarieW » Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:29 pm

I am tired of this emotional roller coaster. My highs and lows are too many.
I remember having my heart stop with every text or call from my son. I remember the euphoria when he would go into a treatment program and the grief when he relapsed.

Over the years, as I work this program and get older, I find that my highs and lows are lessened. Now I try not to tie my happiness to what happens to other people. When my son is doing well, I know that it has nothing to do with me and that things could change in an instant. When thing go badly, I know that that too will pass. And when tragedy strikes, I know I will hurt, but life will go on.

I am grateful for the perspective this program has given me.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by flash » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:37 pm

My sponsor has taught me to work on "being comfortable with being uncomfortable"
There are times I had to sit on my hands to prevent me from picking up the phone.
Deep down I knew that there would be no real peace in making that phone call or sending that text.
If I didn't get an answer I worried - If I got a bad answer I worried - If I got a good answer I felt better for a fleeting moment.
Being comfortable with being uncomfortable gave me time to wait, think of my motives and bring the focus back to me.
It got easier to do as I worked on it.
Hope this helps.
Love, Donna

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by loveandrespect » Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:48 pm

Thank you to everyone who responded. I cried reading your stories. Until I was thrown into this deep troubled world and found this website I had no idea that so many families were hurting in the same way. I can relate to each and everyone of you and what you have said.
My mind is still like a pendulum. I pick up my phone 100 times a day to send that message. I wake up at night with a new idea on how to approach him. Come the morning I change my mind. The one thing I have decided is to wait until I am more emotionally stable to handle his rejection, atm I am not. I will send my messages at some stage, the decision will be his what he does with them. At least I will know in my mind that I never gave up on him.
My one saving grace is I can see if he has been active on the net, at least I know he is alive. For that I am grateful.

Thank you all, your thoughts and comments were very much appreciated.

Hugs to you all.

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Re: Emotional Roller coaster

Post by hope1 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 12:59 pm

We have all been there in some form or another with our loved ones. Someone once said to me "Their rejection is God's protection" This seen me through some pretty difficult times when my daughter did not respond for days at a time. Often when she did respond it was in some sort of crisis that sent me off into a tizzy trying to "help" I practiced going to bed at night and asked her higher power to just simply look after her while i slept for a few hours so i could rest. Throughout it all, I continued to tell her we loved her and offered our emotional support. I learned to quit trying to find the solutions for her , pave her path, and clean up her messes. Instead, i focused on keeping my own head above water. I used to think surely she will see what she is doing to the family and will stop.........If only i love her more, if only i think of a better way to approach her, if only........She sought treatment and recovery when she had suffered enough and was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When that time came we stepped up and helped her then. The thread of love was never broken....

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