Time of year for triggers

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Time of year for triggers

Post by LKSG8R » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:50 pm

This is the time of year when college kids come home for vacation. I see them in the neighborhood, the grocery store, in restaurants. These kids, although they may "party" at school, are on the path I always thought my AS would be on. The path he absolutely was on, until he got addicted. They were my son's friends, but no longer. When I see them I feel a knife in my heart.

I know this program is working because these triggers no longer make me go at my AS like a banshee. I don't double my efforts to fix him. I don't start a fight with him or my enabling husband. But try as I might the "what could have been" still hurts, and makes me want to crawl into a hole forever. I feel like a failure, and no amount of "I didn't cause it" can take that feeling away.

To make matters worse, I see these kids out helping their parents in the yard, putting up decorations, shopping. They have gratitude and show love for their parents, whereas my AS acts like a self-centered ugly-mouthed entitled brat. I want to move away and have my memory wiped clean, so that I never have to feel this sorrow.

Sorry for the pity party, but i just needed to let it out.
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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by DeanW » Sun Nov 26, 2017 4:09 pm

Yeah, I know. And, I still feel it, too. Pity parties are OK - I just can't stay long or I get depressed. I'm going into a major situation this next week where I absolute must control the green eyed monster inside me. This will be a real test for me...what challenges we have...Hugs

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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by whitedove » Sun Nov 26, 2017 5:17 pm

I have felt every emotion you have stated...my hugs to you...you are NOT ALONE in the way you feel....I sent our beautiful ambition son off to university....what we got in returned was an angry, self serving, lying, stealing addict.... Am I pissed off?? In more ways than I can count...The roller coaster of emotions on some days is unbelievable and it would have been inconceivable a few year ago to believe some of the thoughts that run through my head...but I keep coming back here...sometimes its the only sanity in my day

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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by Sandra1947 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 6:41 pm

I can relate to feeling somehow I failed as a parent to my AD. Only my addict is 45! It really doesn't matter their age, we had dreams for them and they turned into nightmares. But we to push on and remember we really didn't cause it! Hugs to you.

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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by Ma1954 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 11:57 pm

TYFS, you are definitely not alone. I see people with 'normal' children and am sort of jealous. I am finding it hard watching the joy of the season on tv I am so totally depressed. But I have found that everyone has a cross (my first husband used to say that- I miss him so much) they just carry it differently. Hugs. Sue
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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by vscook » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:14 am

I understand. Christmas is a big holiday for my family, when all the aunts, uncles and cousins get together. Last year, my AD was “dope sick” the whole time. I was so embarrassed and told everyone she had the flu.
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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by Dannie » Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:39 pm

I have felt this for so long. Each holiday that goes by and I still don't have all of my kids together for a meal or for some laughs. The only thing that has helped me work through this is this program and also spending time with my AS while he is in rehab. Since he is not under the influence right now, he is opening up and I am listening to his heart and I know this isn't my fault. I could have done things differently and better, yes, but his addiction would have happened anyway.
So, I will enjoy my other kids and family and put a smile on my face this Christmas and count my blessings and hope that someday I will have my AS back in a healthy way. I wish that for you too.

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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by Shelly » Mon Nov 27, 2017 11:49 pm

This time of year is so so difficult for me. I agree with everything you and others have said on this topic. It doesn’t matter the age, my AS is 46 and his former classmates and friends are married with children and are productive citizens. This breaks my heart because I know this is what my son always wanted also. What was always such a happy time of year for me is now so very depressing and I only wish the holidays were over. I never thought I would feel this way. I am so eager to hopefully see my son at Christmas and at the same time I very fearful and anxious.

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Re: Time of year for triggers

Post by endoftheroad » Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:04 am

Alrighty here, time for an attitude check from the masses :o Wow, now is not the time for me to get on the pity pot, because society would love to flush me down with all the hooplah of a trumped up holiday season! I guess I don't fit into that box anymore and I am glad about that :)

A long time ago, I learned not to judge people by their outsides as I did not know their insides. Those kids you see whooping it up and helping their parents didn't jump out of a Norman Rockwell painting! They could have terrible grades, girlfriends that broke up with them, fighting angry parents or have been shunned on social media! Appearance versus reality. A big Shakespearean theme!

I have to examine my EXPECTATIONS! My darling addicted son is NOT what I expected him to be right now, but his choice is his choice! I would love to see him at the holidays if he somehow magically morphed into a kid from the Brady Bunch......but, not so much right now!

So what to do.....what to do.....should I stew in it and make myself miserable for nearly a month here! Good lord, NO! When I learned not to make my addicted loved ones the center of my Universe, to pray to do the will of a higher power, to step into the light of the Divine, I got out of the dark side of life and into the beauty of the Sun.

This is my 4th year without my addicted son at Christmas. I have Serenity, love and a path to follow! I have found what I treasure in life! What is that, it is the love of those that stand with me in this program, and those friends and family who let me walk forward with my dignity! I can only say that reading, praying and working the 12 Steps are the gateway to happiness and freedom! Keep coming back!
This is the easier softer way.....

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