Not feeling well

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Ma1954
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Not feeling well

Post by Ma1954 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:38 am

I am feeling very unwell. There is constant disruption in my life. The ALO called yesterday and asked for money because his truck was broke down and he needed a tow. I gave him the money, I half believed him and half didn't. He only calls for money and I don't have any. I charge my credit cards to help him. I told him to never call me again. I have a huge debt now because of his problems. On the other side of the coin, I have the recovering heart patient yelling at me for whatever. I feel I am at the edge. Thanks for listening. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Blue Indigo
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by Blue Indigo » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:17 am

I can utterly relate to what you said in your post. Like many of the people on these boards, I often make my decisions from the heart rather than from logic. Our ALOs are master manipulators--in many cases, they've had to become so in order to survive. Sadly, they disregard anyone's wellbeing but their own and we are simply part of that behavioral equation. I have done precisely what you have, giving money way past the point where it was healthy for me...or my AD. In that sense, I have been part of the problem, not part of the solution (which can only come from within the addicted person). Rather than continue to enable my AD, I need to put into practice the many lessons I have learned here, for ME:

"Sometimes doing nothing is doing something."

"If I don't pick it up, I don't have to put it down."

And most importantly: "NO is a complete sentence."

Take care of YOURSELF and tyfs--most of all, keep coming back.
Peg
Peg

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"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

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IsaJ26
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by IsaJ26 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:26 am

You have to be healthy no matter what. You can start saying "no" to addiction and how it affects you. There is always an element of truth in what our loved one's ask of us.."I need a tow, I need some money for gas to look for a job". etc...but in the end, they are not taking responsibility to get where they need to go. And it's funny to me, every time I say no, they always manage to find a way to get what they want. They are being led about by addiction, they can't even make decisions that are good for them. We love them, but addiction causes us to love in a whole different way. Care for yourself and then you can help, or not, your loved one. Addiction doesn't make sense...can't make sense if it don't make sense.

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DianeB
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by DianeB » Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:10 pm

Let me begin by saying.....I love my son dearly and would do almost anything
to help him.

But I also have learned that what I deem as "help", is really contributing to his death.

Each time I enabled him with one of his desperate need for money for one reason or
another, I knew in my gut that he was using the money for drugs. It would be no
different to give him money as it would be to walk over to him, hand him the drugs,
help him inject the drug and watch. I was contributing to his disease.

The question for me was "why" did I do it? When I knew in my gut that the money
would go to drugs, why, why, why?

For me there were many reasons:

Guilt....I was a single mother who wasn't able to spend the time I needed to in order
to help him in his formative years. Two jobs put food on the table, but didn't allow
for family time. I have dealt with the guilt. There were so many other wonderful
times together and I did what I had to do.

Blame...a sister to guilt. What did I do or not do? Was it my fault....of course it was,
I was the mother, the only parent. When a child does wrong, society immediate seeks
its pound of flesh from the parent. Nope...I had to deal with that blame. I didn't ever
do anything remotely to be blamed for. I only wanted the best and never intentionally
harmed them.

Misplaced responsibility....as the mother, it was my responsibility to care for him no
matter what his age or lifestyle.

Misplaced Belief....not a good thing. I tried so hard to believe that this one last time
would do it. He would miraculously see the error of his ways, he would feel the agony
he was causing me and others, he would find his recovery tomorrow. Not so much.

I also ran up humongous debt. I spent most of our retirement savings and we are now
living without much we could have had to make life a bit easier. Did it help....not really.

What it did was allow him to stay in his disease, progress his addiction, cause him and us
untold harm and brought me to my knees.

Now...here is what I learned and finally did. I made the decision to say NO to addiction.
I refused him monetary help. It did not make a difference for quite awhile. He kept up
doing what he always did. He was homeless and without medication. Yet he survived and
his addiction took him to lows I didn't know existed.

I always maintained contact. I always made sure he knew I would stand next to him when
he chose recovery. I always loved him and let him know that nothing he could do would
ever change my love.

I got healthy. I worked this program for too many years to count. I worked my steps with
a sponsor, I sponsored many others. I took care of myself. My son I could only love.

Years passed and he did finally come to his own recovery. I know for sure that if I had kept
handing him dollars and participating in his addiction, he would never have found his
recovery.

You have worth. So does your son. But if I could not get myself to healthy and happy, I would
not have been worth a @%&* to my son.

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NeoMom
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by NeoMom » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:19 pm

So many important messages in this thread....

Thank you.

_/\_
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are" E.Gilbert

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whitedove
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by whitedove » Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:24 pm

What an eloquent post. Thank you, I needed it today

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hopefulNE
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Re: Not feeling well

Post by hopefulNE » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:14 pm

Sorry you are feeling unwell. It seems like you have a lot on your plate.
When it came to my ALO, I learned that NO is a complete sentence. No need to justify or explain. My other rule became NO CASH EVER which I mostly stuck to. My AD could put on an academy award winning performance as to why she needed money...it got to be almost comical.
We also decided early on that we would not do anything to jeopardize our retirement or our home. We did spend money on treatment etc. for her, but never enough to actually put our financial future in jeopardy.
I hope you will set your boundaries and protect yourself. And keep coming back.
Wishing you serenity,
Pat
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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