not sure how I am feeling

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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not sure how I am feeling

Post by ktoews » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:35 am

hi all, well, my AS phoned on thursday, saying he would go to detox. It was late and I live an hour's drive from him, made the decision to pay for one night at a hotel and I would pick him up next day. I phoned the only non-medical detox unit in the province we reside, and they had a bed, but would have to get there by three and would still need to get medical clearance from a physician filled out somewhere. We live about 3.5 hour drive. What a day. I got to the hotel where he resides, and his manner of relating extremely poor, and engaging any form of cooperation very difficult. He phoned the detox unit himself, and they told him to be there by 9 pm, so I realized I was in for a long day with him. His social graces are completely gone, yelling and swearing at points in time - I've seen him agressive before, but now that he's doing meth, this is a whole new level. At several points, I told him that I didn't think he was ready for this, and there is likely no point in going. Then my car's battery died, and we couldn't even get in the vehicle, so this put us back a couple of hours. Then, I think he swiped a $20 from me at one point, not 100% sure on this, but I think. We drove around the town he has been staying and went to a couple of places to retrieve his stuff stored at different places. When we got to the city with the detox unit, he wanted me to find a place to store his things in case he left the unit, and I refused. Then when we got to the detox unit, it was 8:30, and he wanted to talk with his girlfriend on the phone until 845. My patience wearing thinner than my hair has become. Finally we went in, he didn't want me in there, but the nurse insisted as she said it doesn't look like he wants to be there. I, the whole time, am saying to my son that this is his life, not mine, what he does with it is his business - if he leaves and wants his stuff, I will throw it on a bus. He actually threatened me for no reason at all during the interview, saying he's got people who can come to my house and mess us up - right in front of the nurse who called him out on it. in the end, he stayed there, I finally left the city to drive home around 10 at night.

I reflected upon the crazy making day, and thought it would be a miracle if he stayed longer than a couple of days. I did tell my son that we are prepared to send him back to treatment in Thailand if he can show commitment, not sure if that was the right thing to do, but I did. There was a moment of clarity he showed in the car, I think, that my son showed in the whole day - there wasn't much, as his thinking is really, really messed up. At one point, my son said, "If I die, I die, I'm ready to go" to which I replied, "me too"......he looked out the window quietly for a change, then started to cry and said what a mess his life was, and that his thinking was really bad.....this clarity left quickly though. I still thought it would be a miracle if he stayed, and then went on to treatment. On my way home, I was driving close to an area on our Trans Canada HIghway in which a true miracle did happen. A few years back a two year old little boy had somehow got out of their home at 1030 in the evening. The family lives near this twinned highway and a search party was put out. In the am, someone was driving and looked over into the ditch and saw the little boy - over 10 hours later. Somehow, that little boy had made it across two lanes of highway, thru the middle ditch, then across two more lanes of highway and was found in the opposite ditch. Simply amazing and miraculous on this busy highway in the dark. Miracles, I suppose, do happen, I'm not sure that my son will make it, he's in such terrible shape, but it will all somehow work out in God's time.

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by Ma1954 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 8:42 am

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by Blue Indigo » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:05 am

So sorry you have gone through this situation. Your son is very fortunate to have you in his life, regardless of how little awareness he shows of the fact. The insanity of this horrible family disease can be overwhelming. I am praying for you and your AS.

"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by flash » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:08 am

One of the hardest things for me to accept was that things didn't happen in my time frame.
Releasing control and having patience was not one of my strong points to say the least.
In God's time, never in mine. Just couldn't understand why.
Miracles do happen.
I will pray for your miracle.
TYFS - I hope you feel some peace today.
Love, Donna

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by IsaJ26 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:35 am

The one thing that stays with me, my aunts son and his girlfriend were both addicted (very bad). He spent a year in prison and was facing more time unless he did something. His girlfriend was pregnant, so in a moment of clarity, he went for rehab. Someone gave him a chance at a job. Now he is managing the place. His girlfriend is clean. They have since had a second child and they are living life. I'm sure my aunt never thought it could happen because she dealt with all the things we are currently going through. The miracle happened in her case and her son. It can happen for all of us. I'm praying for all of us. I don't have to know each and every one of you, but my HP (God) does and He knows our loved ones and what it will take to set them free.

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by hope1 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 1:48 pm

((HUGS)) I am praying for a miracle for your son to cross all the highways he needs to be safe. There is life there is hope! You have done all that a mother can do. He is in his HP's hands now. I have a nephew whom everyone had given up on after over 20 years of drug abuse of every kind and was hospitalized in the ICU at the end. Today he is over two years clean and sober, going to university, and raising his children.

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by whitedove » Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:18 pm

I understand completely....your post is sooo similar to the day we had 2 weeks ago....not only navigating the life of an addict but the Canadian medical system...the pinnacle of "hurry up and wait"....I guess because it's "free" we should be thankful...but in situations where help is needed immediately my my frustration at times has hit a breaking point. Witnessing the the deterioration of a beloved child and the abuse they inflict upon themselves and us is mind this age (58) I believed I would have a totally different life than what I am I am angry and bitter...I try to hold on to eldest son phoned to chat....that was joyful...its just the rest of it that sucks

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by slm219 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:06 pm

Miracles do happen. I hope and pray for your miracle to happen with your son.
Even a small star shines in the darkness.

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by hopefulNE » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:24 pm

What a day!
In my experience with my AD, through multiple periods or recovery and relapse, it seems that here are two sides within that really wants to embrace recovery, and one that is fearful and resistant.
I hope your son gets his miracle.
Take care of yourself,
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by NeoMom » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:48 pm


It can be SO stressful at times.

I believe in miracles...

Take care of yourself xx

"Embrace the glorious mess that you are" E.Gilbert

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Re: not sure how I am feeling

Post by Suejan » Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:58 am

I too have had days just like that- I understand❤️ I too have experienced the challenges of our addiction and mental health options in our great country.
The worst times with my son were when his addiction first started and he was on meth. He smoked it not that that matters. There were words said- actions done- damages done- that can never be forgotten. The mouth that said mom with its first words once, now said the most vile things imaginable to me. All drugs are awful- but once my son was able to leave meth and move on to other drugs ( heroin and whatever else) no matter how bad it got, it was not as horrific as his meth induced behaviour.
The only way I got through it was to remember that it was NOT him speaking this- it was the addict and the drug. I used the imagery someone posted on here about seeing a big sign on his forehead that said “SICK”— it did help,
I pray your son accepys help, and I pray you get some peace while he is away,

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