Successful marriages

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Mommy2b
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Successful marriages

Post by Mommy2b » Thu Nov 23, 2017 8:32 am

If your journey has led you to divorce please do not comment...

I posted a couple weeks ago and since then I have a sense of relief. Recap of what has gone on since. My husband has called and is back in an inpatient rehab. He called and he set this up. It hurt knowing he was in the garage using one last time before I took him to the airport but he went. He is there. He is safe and working solely on himself every second he is there. I hope he stays and completes it all so he can have 3,024,000 seconds of feeling hopeful. But, I am looking forward to 3,024,000 seconds to find the person I have not been the last 7 years in our relationship.

I have started seeing a therapist which I am so glad I have. I let him know that my intentions when he gets home is to move out of our house when he returns so we can have more time to work on ourselves but when we’re both ready to seek out counseling to help guide us. When he came home 11 months ago from rehab we had 7 months of what seemed like a wonderful marriage but we both forgot about boundaries and he forgot about his sobriety. We acted like the nightmare had never existed.

I am terribly upset and I feel like my husband has taken something from me this time. Our daughter will arrive in a couple months and my first pregnancy has not been as expected. I am mad that I let him take a few months away from me during what should have been such a happy time but then I realize he robbed himself of this happy time too. How sad.

Anyways I am looking for people to share there story on how they have turned the marriage around after addiction. I know I am working really hard on myself so I am strong enough to continue to always work on myself first when he comes home. I’m searching for boundaries that need to be set because I didn’t do it last time. I would love to hear from those working towards something similar.

Beyond thankful today that my husband has entered rehab again but thankful I am trying to work on myself. I wish recovery and peace on everyone during this holidays.

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endoftheroad
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by endoftheroad » Thu Nov 23, 2017 1:34 pm

We share our stories in hopes that these stories will put the light on in a dark room. My addicted son of 28 bought me here almost 4 years ago. I have learned to love my life in spite of his addiction.

Life is not always a fantasy where our addicts magically are cured in 3 months, 6 months a year and two years! Addiction is forever! What I have come to learn is that each day is precious for my life! That I cannot expect anyone else to fulfill my dreams, my life, my passions! I have learned that I can only change me!

I am what they called twice blessed as I also was addicted to a drug some 31 years ago. I have now been clean for over 30 years. This all came to a head when I was first married to my husband! Did we survive? Today we celebrate our 32nd anniversary :) :) :) How did that work? He gave me the space to work on my program through NA and AA. There were no fancy rehabs where I could concentrate on my very own recovery. I did this in the rooms of 12 Step programs. It was very rough for over a year. But he gave me the dignity of working my own program. I was gone a lot, meetings, parties with sober people, conferences! He never pushed me to be anything but what I wanted to be. I was warned that many marriages and relationships don't make it, well, we did. It was work for both of us. Counseling for couples and lots of space!

Take a look around the site. Naranon is not for the faint of heart! Go to meetings, find a sponsor, and read, read, read. Stay open to the possibilities! You will hear your story if you listen.
This is the easier softer way.....

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DianeB
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by DianeB » Thu Nov 23, 2017 4:51 pm

I guess I am somewhat taken back with you comment of being divorced and please don't comment.

Addiction is a equal opportunity disease. It has a very dark side and it can be a road to light and recovery.
It doesn't matter who it strikes, child, parent, spouse, friend....we all experience the horrors of
addiction. We all support each other, no matter what the relationship. We share the good, the bad
and the ugly. We share the pain, the heartbreak and our growth.

If you only want marriage success stories, you are missing out on a lot of wisdom and experience.

My experience is with my son. So I'm kind of guessing that the experience isn't what you want.

Yep.....that's an opinion I am sharing here. It is stepped in years and years of experience.

linda.f
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by linda.f » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:56 am

From what I have witnessed in my marriage of many years, addiction is not a passing phase.
The disease of addiction is that of obsession and compulsion. It is a lack of mental, physical
and spiritual connection for the addict, even when they stop consuming substances.
I had to accept the brain function is absolutely different and I will never understand it. But this is for
them to work out with all the resources available to them.

Working some type of a program for me is a must. Knowing I have no control of the addict whether
active or not tells me I need to keep the focus on me.
This is no easy task as I have codependent behaviors and have led a life of contributing to un-
healthy behaviors with my all consuming ways.

As for not wanting to hear responses from unsuccessful marriages keeps my mind close. I have to
be willing and accepting to hear the good the bad and the ugly. This concept makes me teachable.
It allows me to keep an open mind. After all I came here because my way wasn't working anymore
and my life became unmanageable. The only thing I wanted and still want out of this program is a
better way to live. How I do that is up to me. Very simple but I have to keep trying. So I keep coming
back and do the best I can do.

Hope you will do the same.
Live-love-laugh

Linda.f

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vscook
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by vscook » Fri Nov 24, 2017 1:17 pm

My husband and I were married for 32 years - separated, but not divorced. Addiction is a life-long disease. It can be controlled, but never cured. My husband worked hard to maintain his sobriety, but relapsed many times. That is part of the disease. Support your AH in his program and continue with yours whether he is sober or not.
Last edited by vscook on Sat Nov 25, 2017 2:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Mommy2b
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by Mommy2b » Fri Nov 24, 2017 7:48 pm

Thank you to all who replied and I guess I should have worded my first sentence differently.

I was simply just looking for someone to connect with so I didn’t feel so alone. I sit here alone most nights crying because In a few short months I will be giving birth to our first child. Something I didn’t think I would ever have to do alone. As crazy as it sounds I just wanted to hear that being a family is possible. I am working very hard on the things I know I need to work on whether I stay with my husband or not.

I hate to say that a comment I received in here completely turns me away from seeking help this way. I know I can’t control what people say but I can control how I react. I will always respect all the help I can get but right now I am overly emotional. I know that’s not anyone else’s problem and I am sorry if the beginning of my post offended anyone from sharing.

:cry:

DeanW
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by DeanW » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:09 pm

When I first came here someone said something on my first attempt at posting that really upset me. Someone else reached out to me and said not to let one statement that hits you wrong cause you not to get support you need. I was a basket case of nerves...my dear grandsons were suddenly my responsibility. I am that someone suggesting that to you now. My heavens, you're pregnant and your husband is in rehab. Emotions are high. And, there ARE many young women here that are in the same boat you are in - you can meet them. Hugs...

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Mommy2b
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by Mommy2b » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:48 pm

You have no idea how much your kind words helped!! I hate saying that right now I am in need of constant support. I put myself in such a deep dark hole I’m trying to find the strength to crawl towards the light. I hate that I need it. I know it’s one thing I need to work on is being fine by myself but right now I can barely role out of bed let alone trying to get ready for a baby.


I know as they say this shall too pass...

Have a wonderful weekend and know that you have made a difference tonight

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dianaprince
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by dianaprince » Fri Nov 24, 2017 10:18 pm

I have also struggled to read posts and find support here at times. I feel like I read so much about relationships that have ended, and so little about ones that have been able to fight through this. I’m here looking for help, strength and hope, and often hearing only of the end of relationships robs me of that hope. I am fully aware that this relationship I am in may end. If it does, it will be because I choose to end it. I am getting closer and closer to that. But I still have some hope, and sometimes what I need is to hear that it is possible. It’s good to know I am not the only person seeking out that hope and strength.

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SDIN2T
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by SDIN2T » Sat Nov 25, 2017 12:16 pm

Sometimes it's hard to not take a response personally, especially when you're in fragile emotional state. But there is saying in Naranon that goes like this, "Take what you need and leave the rest". The meaning is obvious and I use it frequently at my Face2Face meetings. At the different meetings I go to sometimes I cringe at what people say because they are passing judgment or giving an opinion to someone else -All of which we should avoid doing as per Naranon. So if you read or hear something you don't like, "Leave it". if you read or hear something you like, "Take it".

I will tell you from my own experience that a successful marriage is possible. As I've written here many times before, I grew up with an alcoholic father until I left at 20 yrs old and moved 2000mi away. Several years later, my father found recovery and he and my mom had an absolutely wonderful marriage for almost 20 years until he passed away - And I was also able to have a wonderful father-son relationship.

But based on the facts (not opinion), I see more marriages/relationships fail due to addiction than succeed. Although the 3 F2F meetings I go to is a small sample size, the majority of people with a significant other have ended the relationship. It's mostly because as we learn how to practice the principals of Naranon, and the ALO stays in their addiction, we grow and the ALO does not.

We deserve better, you deserve better - Keep coming back. Go to a Naranon or Alanon F2F meeting.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

KBev
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by KBev » Sat Nov 25, 2017 9:26 pm

Try and be kind to yourself during this very stressful time. Like others have said take what you want from the comments and leave the rest. This is certainly a stressful period and a lot to handle without being pregnant. Once your baby comes you will discover a love like no other you have experienced. Keep focusing on the positives and remember our higher power has a plan and only he knows what that is, we just have to have faith.

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Re: Successful marriages

Post by Tanya » Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:42 pm

Mommy2b,

Congrats on your upcoming baby! In my Naranon family meetings, we are told to take what is useful from the meetings and leave the rest behind. Everyone's experiences and feelings are different, not good or bad, not wrong or right. As for me, I lost my first husband of 17 years to this disease and have since remarried. I've been married now for 5 years and have found myself once again on the disease Merry-go-round. My husband is an addict, for better or worse, and always will be. Our marriage was happy and healthy up until about a year ago. The last year has been hell, and given we have 4 kids (2 are mine who already lost a parent and 2 his who's mother is an alcoholic), I began the meetings to help myself. I could not be the mother I needed to be to our kids while his addiction consumed us. Our home and its happiness revolved around his addiction for that year. We were miserable and I was failing to be there for the kids. Addiction hurts the ones who love and care for their addict. Since starting my meetings, I have regained my strength, I am the mommy I've always been, and most importantly, I have found and set my boundaries. Those boundaries have been made very clear to my husband. I will NOT have active addition in my home or around my kids. Given 2 are not legally my kids, I have had to make the determination that I cannot fully control what happens with them and know their grandparents would step in if needed. However, i am the only parent my 2 kids have left. As such, I cannot let this disease take me down too and believe me, it can. My husband is currently working toward his recovery in that he attends counseling and we attend marriage counseling. I too have started counseling in addition to the Naranon meetings. Again, my boundaries are set. My advice to you is to be supportive to your husband's recovery, and if he so chooses to not stay in recovery, that is his decision and becomes a time for you to make yours. Your number 1 role now is mommy. Remember, nothing is forever so if you had to set a boundary of not having drug use around you or your child, that may just be what it takes for him to get his life together. Do what is best for you and your child. Life will go on, no matter how hard, and you will have a precious angel who calls you "mommy" to help guide you in what is right for you both.

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HollyTx
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by HollyTx » Thu Nov 30, 2017 5:36 pm

Well, my husband is not the addicted one, but our marriage is stronger than ever as we deal with the ALO in our lives. Maybe because of the ALO?

I have learned that I need to work on my program and let him work on his - or not.
I need to make decisions I can live with. This sounds selfish at first, but really, it's not. If I can't live with a decision or a boundary, then I change it. Otherwise I fester. Then I get angry and upset. Then I'm tempted into either martyrdom (Can't you see everything I've done? The sacrifices I've made?) or passive-aggressive behavior (Well, I'll show you.....). Neither of which is helpful for a marriage.

By focusing on the things I could work on for me, and letting go of the others, we found more respect and love for each other. I can disagree without controlling. I can share my boundaries without making them ultimatums. Stepping back, staying centered for me and taking care of me has been such a blessing. And this program has truly saved me.

Hugs to you,

Holly

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Jade11
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by Jade11 » Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:28 pm

I understand how you feel. I remember my first pregnancy... my husband was gone almost every night using. I would look up baby names, read parenting books, then end up laying in the bath, holding my belly and crying. I was filled with excitement and fears.
When I first walked into a F2F meeting I went looking for marriage success stories. I desperately needed to hear someone say, "Yes, it can work. We're still married, he/she is sober now, we are healing." I wanted to know it was possible. More than that, I wanted to know how to make it happen with my husband.
When I didn't find what I wanted... I was badly disappointed and hurt. I thought those who left their ALO's couldn't relate. It was "Different". Hopelessness consumed me. My life had truly become unmanageable.
Only going to meetings and then this forum I witnessed something I had not been looking for.
I witnessed others choosing a life of health, happiness and sanity - regardless of what the addict is doing or not doing. I witnessed this not only in those still married... but also in those who had separated, in those who were parents or siblings of addicts. I realized this is what I need and want more than anything: my sanity and peace. If I hadn't listened to these different experiences I would have missed many words of wisdom and healing that led me out of the darkness.
At this time my husband is in recovery and I'm thankful he's no longer hurting himself. I pray we can have a healthy marriage. I know that is in my HP's hands because HE is the best of planners. We are two separate people, married, walking our separate paths. For the sake of my health and my kids, I need to keep my eyes on my own path and walk it the best way I can. Just one step in front of the next. I'm relying on this forum, program literature, the 12 steps, and prayer to help me through.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Keep coming back. xx

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lbogie
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Re: Successful marriages

Post by lbogie » Tue Dec 05, 2017 7:35 pm

Hi and Welcome! You are never alone here........ Keep coming back.
"Take what you need and leave the rest"
You will learn alot here, about yourself, about addiction and about how to make YOUR life one of Serenity and Peace. We are all cut from the same cloth although many of our stories are very similar, each are individual as our recoveries are. It really doesn't matter if it's a Spouse, Sig. Other, Child (my ALOs are 2 Sons), Siblings, Friends, Parents............Whatever! The pain of addiction is deep, it's real and it's not something I would wish on anyone!. It certainly does not discriminate, it does not have mercy. It is up to us to work on a recovery for ourselves. Our ALOs have HPs, just like us. The only one I can change is me.
Please keep coming back for YOU. It really does work. Meetings online Sun., Mon., Wed., @ 8pm EST Just click on the 'Online Meeting' upper left of screen. No judgement, no advice, no opinions.............we all share our Experiences, Strengths and Hopes. There is such a fellowship here. I have been coming here and working my program for almost 5 years. Found my Sponsor online here, working my Steps with her and taking it one day at a time.
One day at a time. Use this "free" time for yourself. Pamper yourself and REST. Take care of YOU always. Congratulations on your Pregnancy. Remember, never alone........................
Hugs,
Lois
“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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