Living as though Traumatized

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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hopefulmama
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Living as though Traumatized

Post by hopefulmama » Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:30 am

Hi all, it's been some time...I have a RAD, now nearly nine months clean, Great. Why am I still thinking, feeling and acting like she is actively using? She no longer lives with me, but has taken on responsibility of her own apartment, job, meetings, sponsor, even plans to go back to school...awesome right? Every day I remind myself, "just for today" because that's all it is and all it will ever be. What I'm most frustrated about are my behaviors i.e. texting her every day, several times, asking her if she went to meetings or saw her sponsor etc., feeling anxious and preoccupied when I don't hear from her (which robs time from others in my life), checking my phone repeatedly, feeling like I need to know what she is doing when the sun goes down (nighttime is particularly hard for me). I feel I'm acting like I did when she was living with me and driving me crazy. I have not yet learned to let go. She is telling ME to work my program!? I just feel like I have so many messed up thought patterns because of what I have gone through, I'm trying to work on those. Naranon has helped so much but maybe I am slacking...this was a step for me today to get back to the Naranon way..I am open to any and all suggestions and support, I am feeling I desparately need move past the trauma and find a healthy way to redefine my relationship with my daughter. TFL

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DianeB
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by DianeB » Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:47 am

Letting go of the ILLUSION of control is never easy. I tended to hold on tight
because I wanted so bad to believe that I actually COULD control! Silly me!

It required my acceptance of Powerlessness to really let go.

I wanted to be in my son's business because I kept hoping I could control him
and his using. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I not only
couldn't control his life, I was making my own life unmanageable.

I worked hard at MYOB....Mind your own business. If my son was going to use,
he would do it NO MATTER WHAT!! I had no power over his decision.

The obsessive intrusion into his life, his program was led by my fear. My fear
fed my obsession to control. I was a mess.

What worked. Meetings, working my steps with my sponsor. Working with my
peeps in Nar-Anon. Turning the focus back on me and letting my son earn his
own pride at doing right in his life. If he failed, it was on him....not me.

Seems like your daughter is giving you some pretty good advice....work your
program. Get to your own meetings, work the steps with your sponsor. MYOB
and focus on you. There was no way for me to redefine my relationship with my son until
we were on the same page. Each working our own program. That's it in a nutshell.

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vscook
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by vscook » Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:53 am

My AD still lives at home, but I have found that our relationship has improved significantly since I stopped getting into her business. Maybe distraction would help - especially in the evening when you start to worry. Go to a meeting, call your sponsor or another member, exercise or try meditation. You could also try some cognitive behavioral therapy to break you of the habit. Good luck!
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

DeanW
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by DeanW » Wed Nov 22, 2017 11:37 am

What worked for me (till now, who knows in the future, right?)

We talk so much about self care. What does that really mean? Getting mani/pedis/bubble baths, eating chocolate, reading a book, walking alone? Yes, it means that and so much more.

I just recently got how it all worked - at least with me. See I was so far down in that tunnel that I would actually drive to get a haircut and then sit in the parking lot and not go in. I did this often. I just couldn't take the step to do something for ME. But, I was told here and in therapy over and over to "engage in self care"....It was so foreign to me. BTW at that time my grandsons were living with us and I had just retired.

I took baby steps. Set appointments and kept them was my first step. Important appts that I had set aside, dental, medical, etc. Then I pushed it to hair and nails. Yes, I deserve that. I started walking along the river near my house and loved the quietness.

All these steps I took that I had been avoiding slowly became habit. And, I had an aha moment - I had to develop new habits. I had been in the "habit" of obsessing over my daughter's life. I had to take back my own. So far, so good.

Your daughter is working her program! That's really wonderful. It's your turn....Hugs.

hopefulmama
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by hopefulmama » Wed Nov 22, 2017 12:13 pm

Thank you so much for these reminders. I have to say it brings tears to my eyes to hear from people who really 'get it'. I do not want my life to continue this way. All great advice and reminders of the fact that I do not have control over her in any way. I have to form new habits, which I plan to start today...one habit at a time.
The other monster I struggle with is anger, I must say, I was reading about what it's like inside the mind of an addict and it is so baffling that when they hear of an overdose or someone relapsing, it does not scare them usually it makes them curious and longing for 'what it must be like' to get high again. It is such a mind game. I am angry that this is how she cared for the life I gave her, she put not only herself in a prison of addiction but she put me and everyone who loves her in a prison of perpetual grief. It has taken me a long time to acknowledge my anger but I have and I just needed to share. TFL

sadnugg
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by sadnugg » Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:56 pm

I really needed to hear this today. From all of you. Thank you for that.

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IsaJ26
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by IsaJ26 » Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:33 am

Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress...by Melody Beattie.
I came across this today. Hope it helps. Not only do our loved one's have to change a lot of things in their lives after recovering, we also have to change. We can't let worry about something that may or may not happen steal our joy for the moment. Keep on keeping on.

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Daughter of the King
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by Daughter of the King » Thu Nov 23, 2017 1:35 am

This is a good thread, the post and the responses were exactly what I needed to read!
I am grateful for your post homefulmomma and the replies, thank you!
I am grateful for all the program has taught me so gently and patiently.....
I am still learning and forever will be.....
I am humbled pretty much daily!
I am grateful!

Ma1954
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Re: Living as though Traumatized

Post by Ma1954 » Fri Nov 24, 2017 12:21 am

I am so in the same boat as you. I keep checking for texts etc. But, my ALO is doing things that really bother me I really want to be separate from him for my sanity, I am the one who just keeps opening the door. TYFS. Sue
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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