What my grandson has given me

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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hopefulNE
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What my grandson has given me

Post by hopefulNE » Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:05 am

When I first got here, 5 years ago, I wasted a LOT of time beating myself up and being consumed in shame, fear and guilt. As much as I heard "you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it," I was convinced that I must have been an epically horrible mother since my daughter turned out to be an addict. What did I do wrong? What could I, should I have done differently? I spent a lot of time kicking myself for various errors and omissions, real and imagined.
Fast forward 5 years. My daughter had a long period of recovery, during which we were blessed with a grandson. Unfortunately she has relapsed since then, and we have spent two months since this summer as the main caregivers for our grandson while she has returned two separate times to residential rehab.
During this time, while caring for my beloved grandson, I realized that I am, after all, a loving, caring and responsible caregiver (as evidenced by his happiness and well-being)...and realized I was that kind of a mother to my AD also. I was definitely a good enough parent (not perfect...who is?) I guess I really didn't cause it. Can't control it. Can't cure it. Have learned (and continue to learn) not to contribute to it.
What a relief to finally let go of all that misguided responsibility and imaginary guilt. What a blessing my grandson has given me...along with his joyous presence, he has allowed me to take my "mom groove" back and really internalize the messages I have been hearing ever since I got here. I am so grateful.
TYFL,
Pat
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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belkar1
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by belkar1 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 7:29 am

I can relate to that feeling. Nothing like holding your grandchild, when I held mine for the first time. It was incredible, here is a tiny person that has a part of ME in her.

I looked at my son, who had given me the greatest gift. One that lasts a life time ;)

I am blessed, and grateful for her, and all the JOY she has brought into my life. ENJOY !!!!!!! him, snuggle, and I also had that moment where I looked at her and said. You did not come with directions either.

It was a new level of understanding for me, the more I learned the more she benefited. To her now the 3'C are second nature ;) osmosis is a wonderful thing. Walking that road of gratitude right along with you ;) I love your "mom groove"

Love
Belkar

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janiemarie
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by janiemarie » Wed Nov 22, 2017 9:46 am

Just what I need to read this morning!
Your share put a whole new spin on my feelings of guilt in my heart that surface despite what I know in my head!
I have also been convinced that it had to have been something that I did or didn't do. Something I missed or didn't address when I should have or just handled completely wrong! That caused my youngest to become an addict when her sisters are both successful in their lives coming from the same home.

But Yes! My granddaughter is healthy and happy and thriving and I am raising her with the same care and love that my AD received.
Good enough!

I'm grateful for the eye opener this morn!
ty
“And this too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”
--- Abraham Lincoln

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SDIN2T
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by SDIN2T » Wed Nov 22, 2017 1:12 pm

Hi Pat - This was a very insightful share.

After being in my recovery program for several years, I had never thought of my role (and results) as a parent quite like you shared.
I was definitely a good enough parent
You're right! Because of your words, I now realize I have been a good enough father to all of my 5 kids. Unfortunately my 2 oldest adult sons are lost in addiction, but my 3 non-addicted adult kids are flourishing in their lives. I didn't raise the 3 younger ones any differently than the older ones.

Such a reinforcement of the 3 C's.

TYFS

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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flash
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by flash » Wed Nov 22, 2017 11:20 pm

They are a gift, aren't they? Thank you for sharing your experience with your grandson with all of us.
I look at my grandchildren and realize they are true miracles - and although they don't come with a rule book, they teach us so much.
I love that he has helped to relieve the guilt that you were carrying.
A miracle that he brought to you when others couldn't.
I hope you continue to enjoy every moment you have with him.
Love, Donna

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whitedove
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by whitedove » Thu Nov 30, 2017 8:38 am

hopefulNE wrote:
Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:05 am
What a relief to finally let go of all that misguided responsibility and imaginary guilt.
What a wonderful sentiment. Thank you

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Ronni
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Re: What my grandson has given me

Post by Ronni » Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:15 am

Mom Groove....I love that!!!

Yeah, I've had similar lightbulb moments too.

I have 5 children, all raised the same way, all with the same dysfunction (their Dad was abusive) and yet only one of them turned to drugs. If I'm going to feel responsible for my RAS turning to drugs, then by the same token I should also feel responsible for the successes of the other 4, right? :lol:

I'm so glad your grandson has you, and so happy for you that you have your Mom groove back!
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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