My son

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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My son

Post by Nurse1203 » Tue Nov 21, 2017 8:34 pm

I am new here. Thank you for this forum. My son is 19 and has been using marijuana for about 2 years. Moved away to college last summer. Was living with his girlfriend and going to school. We went up for vacation and found out from my sister that he had been using Cocaine. We went home in utter despair. They finally got him to go to rehab. Sounds like he didnt really have to go through physical detox but was struggling mentally. Decided he was going to leave rehab early and come home.

We sent him a plane ticket and had his car shipped here. Our boundary was that he had to work and no drugs at the house NO MATTER WHAT. He was picked up about 2 weeks after he got home. Threw a baggie of weed out of the car and they found an old empty baggy with cocaine residue in it in the back of his car. We let him sit in jail overnight and our friend that is a Bailbondsman got him out the next afternoon. Hired him a criminal lawyer-also our friend (with the understanding that he would pay the bill). The cocaine charge is a felony.

He has been working every day all day. We ask him to be in at 10 at night because we are all in bed by then. He comply s for the most part. Once in a while a few minutes late. He has had no drugs in the house.

Today he got in a fight with the guy that he works with (who no one gets along with) and the guy sent him home. His boss is our family friend and is pretty layed back.

Today he decided that he was going to go to a concert about 2 hours away and take the day off work tomorrow. My husband is livid and told him that if he goes he will have no vehicle and no place to live when he gets back. I am trying to walk the line between enabling and letting him figure it out. Please help!!!! Advice???????
Thank you so much for reading.

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Re: My son

Post by LKSG8R » Tue Nov 21, 2017 11:01 pm

Hello and welcome!

My son was also using marijuana when he went to college, then got addicted to cocaine. He blew through his college scholarship money within 6 weeks of his second semester and had to come home. Being a nurse I tried everything I could to cure and/or help him. Psychiatrist, mood stabilizing medication, counseling, good nourishment, a retroactive medical leave from school so his GPA wouldn't be effected, etc...

None of it worked, and I became sicker than he was. Angry, anxious, confused, hurt, resentful, you name it. I thought if I could say the right thing, be his friend, be a better parent, and on and on. Then I found this forum and a good face-2-face meeting. Now I am concentrating on my own mental and emotional well=being. I sleep at night. I have friends. I have fun. For several years I wouldn't have thought it was possible, but recovery from my obsession with him is happening.

You might ask how loving and caring about my son can be considered an obsession. In fact, my grandmother used to say "a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." At some point, however, I realized that it was either him or me. So I started practicing the 5 G's

Get off his back
Get out of his way
Give him up to God
Get to a meeting
Get on with my life

Keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: My son

Post by hope4today » Wed Nov 22, 2017 3:56 pm

A warm welcome to the forum. So glad you found us.

I remember my sons first arrest so vividly. I did everything in my power to ease the consequences of his actions more than once. As I reflect on those days, I can honestly say, if I could go back in time, I would have never softened the blows for my son. At the age of 18, he was considered an adult in the eyes of the law, and I should have treated him as such and given up my need to control him and his circumstances.

Keep coming back. You will gain strength, courage, and clarity, one day at a time.

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Re: My son

Post by SDIN2T » Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:50 pm

Any time I think about the boundaries I placed on my 2 addicted adult sons, like curfews, money, cars, phones, etc, I had to look at my motivation. Was I using the boundaries as a form of control? Was I looking for a certain outcome by using my boundaries in a way that influenced my sons' behavior? Was I treating them like children even though they were adults?

I found I had to create and enforce boundaries that were for MY peace and serenity, not to control my sons. I had to accept my sons were adults that make bad decisions and I couldn't parent them into sobriety.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: My son

Post by vscook » Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:18 pm

My 23 yo AD still lives at home. When I first become aware of her addiction, I did many of the same things - tracking her whereabouts, checking her phone, searching her room and car for "evidence", and forcing her to go to rehab. Basically I was treating her like a child. However, when you treat someone like a child, they will act like a child. It took this program for me to understand that I have no control over her or her addiction. The only person I have control over is myself. Keep coming back - you are not alone.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: My son

Post by whitedove » Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:41 pm

SDIN2T wrote:
Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:50 pm
I had to accept my sons were adults that make bad decisions and I couldn't parent them into sobriety.

WOW....well said....thank you

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Re: My son

Post by MATT'S MOM » Sat Nov 25, 2017 7:41 am

This is such a hard topic for me too.... I do great with it when I don't know what my son is up too.... but if I know what he's up to I have a hard time not trying to control what he does and get upset if he is making what I deem to be poor choices. He was home a few times over the last week and I got to watch some of the poor choices. -- It is so very hard to let go and let him make the choices. He is almost 25-- he's a grownup. -- the choices are not even directly drug related. Being the mom or even being a person who cares about someone, it is very tough to just watch them make poor choices. We want our sons/daughters to grow up and become productive citizens.

Yesterday after we dropped our son off at his apartment in the city and we returned home, I commented to my husband how I was feeling. He reminded me that our son is a grownup and can make his own choices. - We won't be here forever to make everything alright for him. So very true, but it is sure hard to watch.

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Re: My son

Post by IsaJ26 » Sat Nov 25, 2017 7:59 am

I am learning to let go and let them make their decisions but also deal with the consequences of those decisions. I realized that one reason I try to help them, especially if I know it's a bad choice they are making, is that the consequences are going to affect me. I'm slowly saying "no" to their consequences. Yes, it is hard, and I would be lying if I said that I get it right every time. If it just affects them, I'm learning to stand back and pray. I realized, I do have a right to say something if it affects me and my home (to my loved one who lives with me). I don't have to let him or my other ALO's bring things to me or my home that is harmful. I didn't choose this lifestyle and I'm affected enough because they chose it. "Letting go helps us live in a more peaceful stat of mind and helps us restore balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress". Melody Beattie.

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