little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by wheretoturn » Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:00 am

I read a post a few minutes ago about life being unfair. I could so relate to that, because I have spent much of the last two years wondering why life seems so unfair. things happen and I say "why me". A few of the things I could list are having an addicted son for 30 years, and my spending a large part of my life trying to "fix it"...spending money I had trying to save him, spending money I had trying to clean up his messes, buying my things back from pawn shops, then his girfriends things, his childrens things, my neighbors things....then spending money I DID NOT HAVE to buy phones that he sold within a week, paying bills for him, helping him get cars in my name, recovering him and cars from drug addicts, getting legal guardianship of his son to give him security he needed, running his children up and down the road to see their dad in rehab, replacing Christmas presents AS sold for drugs, you name it, I have done it...All in the name of love for my son.
I found Nar-Anon in 2012, and I started seeing things differently. I started seeing that I was loving my son to death, while i was also allowing my son to talk to me ugly and yell and scream at me, his children were seeing all this. We had his daughter on weekends, and all of this was such a bad example for them and when he started coming home high and let them see him that way, I told him if it ever happened again, he was out of my home for good. People on this site helped me see I needed him out of my home, and even though I left this site way too early, I did remember a lot of what I was starting to learn. I kicked him out, and the last few years he has had the best life he has ever had. He got engaged, and during the 8 months that he was clean, I rarely ever saw him. Instead of my enjoying that time, I felt so isolated because I lost my job in 2016, grandson went to college, I am broker than I have ever been. The other twin didn't talk to me for 6 months no matter what I tried. My AS would stop maybe 5 minutes every other week or so to say hello and drop by money on the phone bill. When he would call he would be on the way to his girlfriends mothers house to do something for her. My daughter explained to me "mom, seeing you reminds him of his failures. His fiances mom doesn't know about any of that, so his is a hero in her eyes." All that did make sense to me.
Fast forward since the relapse after 8 months clean. He is on a down hill slide. I am on a down hill slide. I am doing things I said I would never do again. Fiance calling me every time he is missing....sitting with her trying to tell her he is okay, we are the ones that are not. Going to ATMs to get money to go pick him up, because he owes a drug dealer money. Having to pay his 130 dollar part of phone bill because he has spent 3 paychecks in a row on drugs.
No wonder I am back on Nar-anon. I have relapsed as bad as any of my son's relapses!! I am a mess, and I know my hope is in this program. My grandson came home from college yesterday. His dad asked him to pick him up from work Wednesday (so he would not leave and relapse since it is a holiday)....My grandson asked me how bad has it been. he is 19, and I told him the truth. My AS had the audacity to fuss at me for telling the truth. I told him , not to go there.....He is the one making bad decisions and I will not be talked to like that again!!
I just really needed to vent. Been up since 5:30. I am going to take care of me!!
I guess i wrote this because I have spent way too much time worrying why me??? feeling sorry for myself, when instead I should be saying "why not me?? My HP never promised it would be easy, however he does promise he will be there to see us through.
Addiction is a terrible disease that I would not wish on anyone. We cannot fix it for our ALO's, and the more we work on ourselves to find the good in our own lives, the better off we will be.Starting today, and the rest of his Holiday season I am fighting to get my own life back on track.
NO is a complete sentence and I will learn how to use it
. My prayers are that if just one person that reads this, can see how 30 years of enabling did NOT help my AS, but only prolonged his growing up and being accountable for his own actions, and they stay in nar-anon and get themselves healthy, then some good has come out of my experience,
I wish everyone her a very Happy Thanksgiving, and I am going to learn how to make lemonade out of any lemons that come my way!! Starting today!!
thank you for listening.
Vicki (wheretoturn)

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Re: little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by vscook » Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:26 am

My husband was an alcoholic - we were married for 19 years when we separated. He continued to drink and passed away nearly five years ago. I stopped going to Al-anon after we separated and wish I hadn't. I am here now because of my 23 yo addicted daughter. I find it hard to believe that I am living with addiction again. No, it's not fair - but life is not fair. She is currently in active addiction, but I intent to stay with the program whether she is clean or not. I don't think staying with Al-anon would have prevented her addiction, but I would have handled it better if I had continued own program. Thank you for sharing.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by Jade11 » Tue Nov 21, 2017 10:57 am

I am trying to be more consistent with working my own program, too. Life isn't fair but I trust my HP has a plan and will guide me through. Thank you for sharing. ((hugs))

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Re: little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by Knappster » Tue Nov 21, 2017 7:11 pm

Vicki, please don't beat yourself up over enabling, we have all done it and I have admitted I was the world's worst enabler. It is our natural instinct to try to fix them. Just know you are not alone here.


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Re: little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by flash » Tue Nov 21, 2017 9:29 pm

Good for you for coming on and sharing your ES&H.
Honest and open is part of this program and your honesty is very impressive.
I agree though, don't beat yourself up.
We do the best we can at any given time.
Love, Donna

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Re: little about my story of enabling and changes I am making

Post by PlainJane » Mon Nov 27, 2017 10:53 pm

I could have written your story. It seems to be all about my life. Thank you. You give me hope.

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