Mom I don't need solutions

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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belkar1
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Mom I don't need solutions

Post by belkar1 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:35 am

Morning peeps,

Well hit me upside my head. Yes, this is what this statement did. My middle son who is not an addict has had many issues, work, money, blended family related. He called yesterday, just to talk.

Really to vent to his mom, he is exhausted and stressed, for situations beyond his control. I listened BUT answered did you try this? or this ?

After I offered solutions he said to me Mom I love you BUT I don't need solutions. His voice kind of broke, I stopped, MY JOB IS JUST TO LOVE HIM.
That is all he needed, for me to hear him, without unsolicited advise.

It bothered me tremendously, and I got my 3am wake up call this morning. So I sat quietly and had a heart to heart with my HP. Change the things I can, listen with compassion, love, gratitude that is all that is required. He was also worried that he could not come with all the kids to say happy B-day to me. He has a sleep over with his 3 boys at their friends house. His second wife is pregnant with his 6th baby, a boy this time. She is tired and is taking care of the two little girls. Driving now is for must do things.

My answer, sweetie just have them call me ;) on Sunday that is good enough. With so much stress these last few weeks with hubby, AS in jail thousands of miles away. Oldest son also thousands of miles away working. I forgot one thing, they are grown men and I will be 60 tomorrow.

What did I learn;

I am POWERLESS

I can not live anyone's life but my own
I can listen with love and compassion
I do not need to give unsolicited advise, enter duck tape
Worry is useless, it only creates drama in my head, change my focus
Change the thing I can ME
My job is just to love them

When I call 1-800 heaven, they can call back :shock: 3am, the preferred time

for me It comes down to acceptance and gratitude, saying thank you for all the gifts I have.

Hubby is going to make me blueberry pancakes tomorrow morning, and I found my very old perk coffee maker. I makes the best hot coffee 8-) and I enjoy it so much. I will focus on what brings me JOY. My life will unfold ;)

Thank you for letting me share
Love
Belkar

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flash
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by flash » Sat Nov 18, 2017 9:27 am

Love this- especially 1-800 Heaven.
Listening, true listening. I have been trying to remember to do that and stop offering unsolicited "solutions"
Thank you for the reminder. I know it often takes that 2x4 to the head for me also.
Most importantly:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
What a special one it is.
Enjoy every moment of your special day.
Love, Donna

DeanW
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by DeanW » Sat Nov 18, 2017 9:39 am

I can always see when my husband is doing this (offering solutions when no one wants to hear them) - but, never catch myself...and, of course, I do it as well. Great reminder. Happy Birthday!

roadrunner
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by roadrunner » Sat Nov 18, 2017 3:08 pm

Happy Birthday - enjoy those blueberry pancakes. Yes, advice - holding my tongue - wow sometimes duct tape works for me. Love you. Blow out ALL those candles. Paula

MarieW
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by MarieW » Sat Nov 18, 2017 3:46 pm

Happy birthday! Early on in this journey I got some great advice. The only three things besides "I Love You" that should be said to adult children are:

Wow, that's great!
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I know you will figure out what to do.

Variation of these three phrases have served me well when I am (often) tempted to give advice or lecture. Minding my own business is hard, but so much healthier for me and them.

Keep coming back
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Heart2Dust
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by Heart2Dust » Sat Nov 18, 2017 3:57 pm

Happy 60th. It kinda sticks
In your gut, when you have
To change that front number. Lol
Sounds like you are on the right track.
God is your answer, keep giving it
To him. He will never let you down.
God Bless Heart2Dust :roll:

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simplemom
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by simplemom » Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:50 pm

YES!!!...those upsides to the head...those ah-ha moments....given to us by our children! What a revelation they are.

Being that this is a spiritual program, there is a thought out there that it is of a spiritual time between 3 - 5AM.....yes, 800. heaven! I am usually up during this time and do use my tools to take in the quiet and push out the chaos squatters in my head.

I have used those cheat sheets to remind myself to say those very things that have been mentioned, other than 'I Love You'. My son't addiction has taught me that I do not walk in any ones shoes. Just to have one of my boys call, leads me to gratitude and doing a mouth check to keep my mouth closed by smiling! Learning to listen, to be empathetic to their experiences and not jump to 'fix it' mode, is a good deed done by me.

On a side note....my 26 yr old has left San Francisco to relocate and is 'somewhere' in the NYC vicinity'. Have I heard from him? NNoooo. I am working on cultivating an attitude of humor as packages keep arriving on my doorstep from him. I was hoping he would be in the latest one! :lol: Mother is now a noun and not a verb with my adult children.

Enjoy your birthday and may it may better than your 'expectations'. ;) 60 ain't so bad! And I have this program to thank....will send you a shout out in the wee/spiritual hours of the morning!
Karen (simplemom)
"I am not afraid of storms, I am learning to sail my own ship."
Louise May Alcott

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MATT'S MOM
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by MATT'S MOM » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:38 pm

Happy bday.

I am at the Apple store with my son who just reminded me that he can do the talking to explain what is wrong with his phone. He will be 25 in a couple of weeks. Mom does not have to speak for him....

I guess I needed a reminder too.

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mtbr
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by mtbr » Sun Nov 19, 2017 6:09 am

Welcome to 60! I've been told it's the new 40 :D Listening without speaking is hard for me, but like you, I'm always learning new things.
Terri

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Ronni
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by Ronni » Mon Nov 20, 2017 8:35 am

Happy birthday Carmen!

I too tend to offer unsolicited advice and solutions when my kids talk to me about their various issues and problems. I do temper my input with the caveat "you know I won't be offended in the least if you don't take my advice, but you also know I'm gonna give it!" ;) and that's the absolute truth. Even so, I need to routinely get to the point where I don't offer any, unless I'm asked.

Enjoy those blueberry pancakes and that perked coffee!
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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hopefulNE
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Re: Mom I don't need solutions

Post by hopefulNE » Wed Nov 22, 2017 2:13 am

Carmen,
Happy Bday!
I can relate to the unsolicited advice. Sometimes I still need a LOT of duct tape on hand.
I hope you enjoyed your pancakes!
TYFS,
Pat
"Keep Calm and Carry On" - British Ministry of Information, WWII

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