Tis the Season

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Claytonmomof2
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Tis the Season

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:55 am

I'm really nervous about the holidays. I thought things would be back to "normal" by now, that all of this drama would be behind us. Yet, next week is Thanksgiving and things have only gotten worse. I guess it'll be our first Thanksgiving without my AH joining us. Not sure how to cope through the holidays. I find trying to stay busy and keep my schedule full is helpful. I'm finally able to see the Christmas decorations in stores and not burst into tears. The holidays just won't be the same this year and I'm not sure the best way to get through them. Ugh! How do you survive the holidays when things aren't going well and your ALO isn't around? Eager for January to roll around!

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lorinow
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by lorinow » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:06 am

I remember that sadness. I also remember not having all the disappointment. I remember feeling that my ex-abf always seemed to let me down on the holidays. He would be late. He would be drunk or distant. He would have hinted at something special only to show up empty handed. He would come in to a house full of guests and go hide out in the bedroom. It was drama. Now, the second season of holidays after having made the break, I am able to feel serenity. I am able to enjoy my grown children and be grateful for the way it is now.
(I will sneak in a call or email to my ex's mom however... Letting go of all the chaos is just too much.)
Hugs,
Lori

DeanW
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by DeanW » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:26 am

OK, I feel it. I acknowledge it. Holidays w/addiction or alcoholism in the family - well, it's hard. Add children into the mix and then it becomes frantic for the ones who still have their senses about them. Sooo, this Holiday season I am starting the season by NOT allowing myself to be pushed to insanity behavior.

I'm doing what I want to do for whomever I wish to do it for.....There will not be many at my house this year and I am going to enjoy who is here with all my heart. If someone chooses not to be present that I love - I am OK with that - they are still in my heart.

My grandsons have had some awful Christmas experiences...however, I keep remembering my youngest grandson when he was 5 saying, he wanted to go to "Grandma's magical Christmas house." - I want to keep the magic. I gave up on it for awhile - I want it back again. I have some plans to do that and will include my now teenage grandsons...

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DianeB
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by DianeB » Fri Nov 17, 2017 12:09 pm

It is what it is. It is what my mind believes it is. I can make my own happiness
and I know for deadly sure that when I tie my happiness to what someone else
does or doesn't do, I am doomed to disappointment.

I have spent holidays with and without my sons for various reasons. I have spent
holidays alone. I have spent holidays without my Dad, my brother, My mother,
my grandparents, all long gone now. I have spent holidays in destitution, and
others in abundance. NONE of these things make the holiday. That spirit of love
and gratitude and kindness is within me. You too....dig for it.

I have learned that it is up to me to make each day special.

Indeed, addiction is sad, but I ask myself....am I doomed to live in sadness or can
I put some light back in my life.

I choose light. I choose to see the holidays as a time for gratitude in all that I have,
not sadness for what I don't have.

Damn....everyone.....life is short. Feel the sadness, then choose the light. My time
is on the downswing and I'll be damned if I will live in sadness for things I cannot change.

Least you shake your heads and say...what does she know. Her son is clean.

You are so right. He is also dying. Yes it is sad. But life on life's terms isn't easy. It is
up to each one of us to find gratitude each and every day. To laugh, to love, to celebrate
this moment, this day. The future is not promised. I make my future now....

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IsaJ26
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by IsaJ26 » Sun Nov 19, 2017 10:36 am

Holidays are definitely hard when addiction overshadows everything. It's hard enough to celebrate when you lose family members through "normal" means. The death of my brother (years ago), the death of my parents and the death of my nephew, that made the holidays hard. Then there are ALO's who are not present. Nobody has to say anything, but its hanging in the air somewhere. I'm trying to keep the traditions that we've always had (if they still work) and I'm attempting not to feel guilty about it just because our loved one's have chosen another path and refuse to celebrate with us. We didn't turn our backs on them, they pulled away from us and refuse to participate in family gatherings. Yes, it makes me sad that they can't see it right now and that they may not have anyone to celebrate with, but our family has had too many years of sadness at the hands of addiction. Even though they (ALO's) have "no life", doesn't mean we can't. Easier said than done, but we have to.

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vscook
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by vscook » Sun Nov 19, 2017 11:30 am

The last few years that my husband was alive, he did not participate in the holidays. He chose to stay home by himself rather than spend it with family. I continued to provide my daughter with our own small celebration, visited my family and my in-laws. I felt sad for my husband, but it wasn't fair to deprive my daughter of her holidays too.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

wheretoturn
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Re: Tis the Season

Post by wheretoturn » Sun Nov 19, 2017 5:07 pm

I relate and agree with all the posts before mine. I, like everyone else, have had the pressures and disappointments of having holidays ruined because of addiction in my family. As a child i hated holidays and vacations because my dad was always going in rages for no reason that I could understand. As an adult I realize now he must have been drinking, but we never saw him take a drink.
I have had my AS call me begging me to go find a camaflouge jacket for his son, because he had sold their Christmas presents out of the trunk. I have come home to find my granddaughter and grandson sitting on the sofa on Christmas Eve, still waiting for their Dad to get back from his latest drug binge. that particular time they didn't even call me at work to tell me he was missing, but when my granddaughter looked up and asked "are we going to still have Christmas" I assured her that of course we were!
I am making a committment today, to take one day at a time, and do the very best I can. I will try to remember the 3 C's. My AS will hopefully have his program and I will have mine. I will make the holidays the best I can for my children and grandchildren, and the best way for me to do that is to not be depressed and anxious in front of my family.
I wish the very best for all of you this holiday season.
Vicki

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