Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Dannie
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Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by Dannie » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:30 pm

I posted a while ago that my AS is in rehab for the second time. I visit him once a week. I stopped catering to him a year ago and learned to detach with love, for the most part. But now that he is in rehab again and trying, I bring toiletries and visit. It has been great conversing and laughing and spending time together since when he is in active addiction our contact is limited and strained.

It was brought to my attention that maybe in order for this to finally work, I should make sure he knows he has a lot to lose if he keeps using. As in, I will still love him but I want to be done with him until he gets clean and maybe this will be enough for him to change. Also, if I keep bringing items and visiting him, I am making it too easy.

When he was out on the street for the past year I didn't bring him anything but I would take his calls, he called seldom, but I had certain boundaries as to what I would do.

I am confused now. I don't know that I want to do what is being suggested but I will do anything that will make the chances of this to work this time. Just looking for stories of anything similar to this. I can't figure out what the right thing to do is.

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jeanette
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by jeanette » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:56 pm

It was brought to my attention that maybe in order for this to finally work, I should make sure he knows he has a lot to lose if he keeps using. As in, I will still love him but I want to be done with him until he gets clean and maybe this will be enough for him to change. Also, if I keep bringing items and visiting him, I am making it too easy.
Well, I don't know who told you this.

My experience - I had to look at my expectations.
Tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone - addict or non-addict, using or not using.

I choose to live the best life I can today, other people may not "approve" of what I am doing and the choices I am making. But if I can, with a clear conscience, say I am making a decision and not acting from a place of fear, but from a place of gratitude, and that I have no expectations of actions from someone else - then I am good with that.

this is what I have learned from my program.
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love
Jeanette

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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hope4today
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by hope4today » Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:41 pm

My son always knew exactly what he stood to lose. Nothing I had to say has ever changed anything with my son. He was/is going to live his life according to his choices.

There came a point in time where I no longer provided anything while he was in rehab or jail except my love.

May you grow strong in your recovery, one day at a time.

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endoftheroad
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by endoftheroad » Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:48 pm

The few times that my AS has chosen recovery, I coveted. it was such a breath of fresh air to enjoy my real son ;) ;)

I couldn't bring him anything as he was in jail, but we talked about small ways I could help him when he was out. The last time he was incarcerated he said he really wanted recovery and I could support him a bit as he started his new journey. Unfortunately, he is back out there.....poor him.

I don't regret anything that I have done in those moments, glad that I had them, I soaked it up.
Life is fragile and so unpredictable.
His recovery is his. I thoroughly and finally believe that anything that I may do will really have no effect on his sobriety. That is up to him!

I am so happy for you that you have this time with your son! One day at a time....
This is the easier softer way.....

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DianeB
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by DianeB » Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:17 pm

It was brought to my attention that maybe in order for this to finally work, I should make sure he knows he has a lot to lose if he keeps using. As in, I will still love him but I want to be done with him until he gets clean and maybe this will be enough for him to change. Also, if I keep bringing items and visiting him, I am making it too easy.
I gotta say that this is some sketchy advice.

This is why we try so very hard not to give advice. It might work for someone but not for others.

First of all....in my experience, NOTHING I do or don't do will EVER make someone (least of all my son) change what they are doing.

Next, loving will not get them clean. However, I learned that my son needed to know that there was one person in his corner who would love him no matter what. If in active addiction, I might need to distance myself in some ways, but I always talked with him. I always let him know that I was there to support his efforts in recovery.

Also, don't know that there is anything easy about rehab. My son didn't find it easy. But I do know that it was important for him to know that I (and the family) was there to fully support is efforts at recovery. I never felt that visiting or a hug, or a call, or a few needed toiletries made anything easy.

He had to do the work and I know for sure that without family support he would never have gotten clean on his own. How many times I have been down in my own life, facing hardships that seemed insurmountable, and my mother, my family was there to always say "We love you. We have faith in you. We know you can do it. We are behind you" It made every difference in my own survival.

I chose to make the difference in my son's life to always let him know that there was at least one person on his side. That I would not support his addiction but would glory in efforts to support his recovery.

Please listen to your heart. Enjoy your time together. We aren't promised the future. Live your love today.

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Questions

Post by Shainab2 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:40 pm

Hi I am new to this group and after reading the posts I don't feel all alone I was looking to see if there were any meeting in my area for me to go to to help understand addiction a little more but I ran across this page and well long story short there's not but hopefully this can give me some insight. I always thought I some what understood addiction considering I have been around it my whole life who knows maybe I was just numb to the situations growing up. I have a 13 year old who is struggling with addiction at the moment I am doing everything in my power to help him but I also think that me fearing that he will feel the abdomen I felt as a child is allowing me to enable the addiction. I love him more then words like you guys all do with your loved ones. I don't and won't just give up but I need to learn how to focus some attention on my self and my 5 year old I feel like paetyn addiction consumes everything down to me even working or kissing my 5 year old goodnight because I'm looking for paetyn in the streets it's no excuse I think the guilt is becoming over whelming. I just need cadence and advise on how to cope with all of this and still help him get help

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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by Dannie » Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:10 pm

Shainab2,

I think you should repost your message on the main forum board. You will get some insight from others. No advice can be given but you will learn a lot from all of our experiences. Best of luck to you. I know it is hard having a child that is addicted. It is the worst thing I have ever experienced.

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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by Shainab2 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:24 pm

Thank you i did notice that after I posted this and reposted :)

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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by LHC » Fri Nov 17, 2017 7:59 am

My AH has been in rehab plenty of times. I always wonder, “Am I being too available, making it easier?”.
There is an old saying, “Be with someone who will drive 5 hours to spend 2 hours with you”. That is me! I drove 4-5 hours every weekend, just so my son and I could see my AH for just 2 hours. Then, We would drive home again. Every weekend for 145 days. I would bring shoes, cigs, toiletries, etc.
Did it make rehab “easier”? Maybe. Did I feel better just doing SOMEthing. You bet! Is it going to change the outcome? Nope!
My AH has gone back to drugs every time he has left. Nothing I have said or done in 10 years of living with this addiction has ever made a difference. And believe me, I have done it all (except use with him or bail him out of jail).
I have mastered Step 1 & 2. I’ve been stuck on 3 for almost 4 years!

We do things because it makes us feel better. Advice is so freely given. I accept advice all the time. Doesn’t mean I am going to follow it. I appreciate it, I listen to it, but then I do what I want. So do our ALOs....
Try as we might get, we have a brain and head on our shoulders, and just like them, we will do what makes things easier for ourselves. It might not be the best approach, but only WE have to live with the consequences of our decisions. Much like them. I hear there is comfort in the uncomfortable, and nothing Changes if nothing changes. I know this. So do they.
I completely understand how you feel and your experiences. All too well... hang in there! I don’t know if it gets better, but I hear it does, so I keep coming back for me. That’s about all I have control over.

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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by janiemarie » Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:38 am

In the end the effect our actions have on our ALOs is inconsequential because We are powerless.
This program is all about Us
About what We can and cannot live with
How our actions affect Our peace and serenity.

If my actions make Me feel anxious, upset, used, angry
I need to take a good hard look at my actions

If I feel a sense of well being with My peace and serenity maintained
Then by all means Go for it

Only we can answer these questions about what is best for ourselves
What works for one may not work for everyone
We each need to find what works best for us to live Our lives with some peace and joy.

Enjoy the clean time with your son
Because today is all we have
Live in the moment.
“And this too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”
--- Abraham Lincoln

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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by Jade11 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:08 pm

I also struggled with this. Self reminder: I am completely powerless over my AH's choices. He was going to make the most out of rehab if HE CHOSE to. I had nothing to do with that. He is going to continue working on his recovery by his own choice. I can only offer love and the support of being there to listen or offer a hug. Healthy contact while he was in rehab was whatever was most healthy for me. I followed my heart as far as visits and bringing things to him. I felt better after setting a boundary for myself, like if it would inconvenience me (I would have to sacrifice my own needs, plans, financial concerns etc) I wouldn't do it. But if I could wholeheartedly do it I did.
Keep coming back

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flash
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by flash » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:37 am

Ditto to all everyone said about being powerless and what we say or do not making a difference as to whether our loved one will pick up again.
I believe my son always knows I love him whether he is active or in recovery, homeless or under my roof.
At the moment of using and being high I don't necessarily thinks he takes one second to think of anything but the high but during a moment of clarity I'm sure he always knew his family loved him.
I have sent things and not sent things.
I have gone during family visits and not gone.
Recognizing my motives helped me make the decision at times.
I always had a hard time with being comfortable with being uncomfortable but with the help of a great sponsor I worked on that regularly.
You will come to the decision that works best for you.
Praying on it has helped me in the past. I hope you find clarity.
Love, Donna

Dannie
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Re: Healthy contact while an ALO is in rehab

Post by Dannie » Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:36 pm

These responses bring tears to my eyes because I appreciate them so much. It has helped tremendously. I only hope my shares with everyone brings help to them as much as I get from everyone here. Thank you so much. I am going to spend time on Thanksgiving with my AS in rehab since they open it for family that day and I am very much looking forward to it because I know he does! For me, I know this is the right thing to do. :)

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