So he's dead and I'm not.

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

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So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by Lyra » Wed Nov 15, 2017 10:42 pm

Hi everyone I know its been quite a while. I have news. The night of Friday the 10th I found out my ex ALO died in a tragic head on car accident. Not only did he die but his serious lady friend who I believe he had been seeing for over a year, died as well. Her 17 year old daughter was in the back seat and suffers a badly broken leg and hip. The Wake is this Friday and the Funeral is Saturday.

I have to clarify here-my ex ALO is related to almost everyone in my village (those from the village originally anyways). He could be incredibly charming when he wanted to be, was a great conversationalist, intelligent and adventurous (no wonder we went out for three years). He was a well known tour guide who has worked in the industry for 20 years. He died the night before his birthday, two days before his step-daughter's birthday (the one who now has no mom and a broken leg).

This death has affected almost every aspect of my life as we used to be tour guides together and I got on tour to places that we both used to visit together so everyone knows him. In other words, almost everyone I work with, socialize with, interact with online, have anything to do with, knew him and the majority of those people are in mourning.

And I am sad too. This is was a huge shock. Despite the abuse and the threats, the lies and manipulation, the deceit, having to leave him so I could have a happy and peaceful life, I hoped that since he now had a serious girlfriend that one day we would be able to have a more friendly and positive interaction. Instead of just saying "morning" or "evening" on those occasions when we passed each other on the street. But now that is not an option. I also met the lady friend who was friendly and nice to me and everyone liked her. I was hoping to get to know her better one day. But now that is not an option.

I visited with his family and am helping a bit with the wake. But I am in shock and don't know what to do. The great irony of this whole thing is, I was just intending to go to therapy to help with the PTSD that pops up now and again (triggers) that was caused by some of the worse episodes of my time with this man. And now on top of it is the complication of him passing away. How do you feel when someone who threatened to kill you, dies suddenly in a tragic accident? When you know now there will never be any hope for reconciliation or improvement or for him to ever apologize for what he said and did. I did not quite realize that hiding in the back of my mind was the hope that perhaps one day that would happen, but now that it will never happen, it becomes very clear that it was something I was hoping for at least subconsciously. I guess I don't know when to give up. Well life has put its foot down on that one!

I feel awful for his gf who died and even more so for his step daughter who must be in great emotional and physical pain right now. I cant help but think, I could have been the one in the passenger seat, the one who died. I I think, this man threatened to kill me, assaulted me and threatened to run me out of the village and now he is gone and I am still here. I don't feel victorious, I don't feel jubilant, I dont feel happy. And I know some would say I should, considering all that happened. For better or worse, meeting this person and being with them changed my life dramatically. Even the very bad parts, drove me to hit rock bottom brought me here and led me to change my life with the help of this program. My life is so much better thanks to working this program, better than it was before meeting my Ex ALO. I went through hell but I came out stronger, better, happier, more at peace. I also came out of that relationship a tour guide, with the experience and confidence to start and run my own business which is now successful and award winning. It was my Ex ALO who introduced me to tour guiding, when I first helped him on his sea tours.

Meeting him changed my life. It nearly killed me. But it didnt. But now he's dead. Definitely going to need that therapy! I am sorry we never were able to reconcile before he passed. And even though he caused me a lot of pain, I'm sorry he's dead and even more sorry that he took others with him. Was he high? I have no idea. He was passing on a two lane road and got hit by a GMC truck. They were in a toyota corolla. The End. But not for me. Not yet anyhow. I'm not looking forward to the wake when I will see the body. Maybe Ill cry more then. So far only a few tears but mostly feeling numb, overwhelmed, weird, not knowing what to do but keep busy. Still not believing that this has actually happened.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by LKSG8R » Wed Nov 15, 2017 11:45 pm

I am very, very sorry for your loss, and yet I hear so much strength in your post. Even the title exclaims hope for the future. Accepting what cannot be changed (his death), and the courage to change what you can (your attitude going forward). What a testimony to our program.

With my sincere condolences, Lisa.
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by vscook » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:54 am

I’m very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you, his family and the family of his girlfriend. Also prayers for her daughter, who has a long recovery in front of her. Holding you all in my heart.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by jeanette » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:28 am

Lyra -

I am so sorry - but I am also glad that you knew you could come to this safe space and relay your feelings.

Grief is individual - there is no road map. My H died over 4 years ago - I still have times of anger, sadness, and grief over "what might have been". It is those expectations that I didn't even realize I had that hurt the most.

My love to you - we are here for you to share
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by DeanW » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:25 am

Lyra - what a long and twisting path you've been on...Prayers for you and the young girl. God bless.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by MATT'S MOM » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:30 am

Prayers for you and for his family. I have been here for awhile and remember your posts as you were going through some of it. Praying that you will find the help you need. Holding you close.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by odat1 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 10:39 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray you find closure.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by belkar1 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:48 pm

Dear Lyra,

I am sorry for your loss. We are here, and will always walk beside you. Sending hugs


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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by endoftheroad » Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:40 pm

I am so sorry for your loss Lyra....yet, it is so remarkable that you have your program and your Naranon sisters who will hold your hand as you walk through this part of your life. Many hugs, Susan
This is the easier softer way.....

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by time4me? » Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:03 pm

Many heart felt condolences to you and the families.

Sorry you will not have the closure or peace with him that you wanted.

Love and care to you.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by lbogie » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:32 pm

I'm very sorry for your loss, Lyra. My thoughts and Prayers are with all who mourn. :(
We will always be here for you and each other. Be kind to yourself and feel the feelings. Good to see you. Peace be with you.
Hugs, Lois
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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by carpediem » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:51 pm

Hi Lyra -
I am very sorry to hear this news. Grief is really weird because no matter how I sliced it in the past, I never felt like I was doing it right. Good old codependency...I'm getting better at just accepting that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. This stuff just happens and I just have to roll with it as it comes, and ride the waves. No "shoulding" on myself for how I should or shouldn't feel about things.

My AF just passed away about 2 months ago. I'm really glad I got into therapy and dealt with many of the issues that we had. I had this false hope that I was going to have "closure" with him. Like you, I was somehow hoping that I was going to get that moment of apology or sorrow for the way my dad treated me. It never happened, but in the end, that was alright, and living for the idea of "closure" is something I have learned is not worth the energy it takes.

I know I grew up with a lot of magical thinking, and I know that habit persisted into my adult life. Learning to let go is what creates that needed punctuation, which is what I need in order to be well in the face of a potentially consuming sadness in my life.

I never got the storybook relationship or the storybook ending of redemption, but I did get acceptance, which was a great gift. I loved my dad. My dad became physically and intellectually disabled at the end of his life, so there was nobody there to engage with on an intellectual level anymore. Seeing him rendered so helpless was humbling and allowed me to tap into the love that was always there under the anger and conflict.

In the end, I knew he loved me too. I ended up having a mix of gratitude, love, resignation, and peace with our relationship. I was able to feel love and admiration for him, despite the rough things that I went through with him. I know my program helped me get to that point.

I remember what you went through with your ALO and it was crazy and brutal and scary. That you're able to look back on him with kindness is a credit to you and the work you've done on yourself.

I also feel that survivor guilt you mention. I'm still here and I'm actually ok. I'm actually enjoying my life. I also feel deep sadness and a sense of loss that's weird and indescribable.
In the end, there's silence where there used to be a lot of sound and "noise" between us. I miss the noise, believe it or not.

My dad used to make me nuts and I loved him, too. I'm also grateful for the peace and the silence. I am grateful that I can choose which memories to focus on. I'm grateful that I can let go of what hasn't served me. I'm grateful for my program, My HP, and everyone who helped me move forward. I'm grateful that I'm still here and better than ever. And I'm grateful for your share. Take care of yourself. That's where it all begins, right?
"Enlightened ones only show us the way. We have to do our own work." --The Two-Year-Old Yoga Teacher.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by sewanee » Thu Nov 16, 2017 11:50 pm

I am sorry for your loss. I also have been here a while and remember many of your previous posts . Give yourself the gift of feeling what ever feelings you have as you grieve and process what has happened. I can only imagine how overwhelming this news is.Relationships are complicated especially when we are involved with someone who is addicted to drugs and or alcohol.When our lives are impacted from this disease we are forever changed. You survived .You are resilent. You will work through this one day at a time. Sending hugs.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by wheretoturn » Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:11 am

So sorry for your loss, Lyra.

I also remember your posts, and was in many meetings with you back when we both joined. It is so hard when you don't get the closure you so wanted. The last time I ever saw my father alive he threw me out of his house and told me how much he hated my sisters and I. I knew when I left I would probably never see him alive again, and eleven months later they found him dead, all alone, in his home.
That was 7 years ago and just this week I was telling my sister, that even with all we went thru as children, and as adults with our father, I still have those times when I just so wish, just once he would have apologized for what he put us all through. I have to realize though, that he had to be mentally ill, just never diagnosed, and he probably did the best he could with what he was dealing with.
I hope you can get some therapy or whatever you need to help with the emotions you are dealing with at this time. Your post does show such strength though and I am sure you will find what works for you. So glad to hear you are doing so well in other areas in your life.
I have just recently gotten back on here myself, and want to be on here more and still try to work a program to find the help I need. Hope to see you again soon. Good luck to you.

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Re: So he's dead and I'm not.

Post by janiemarie » Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:52 am

I'm so sorry for your loss Lyra.

Just as it has alleviated my guilt to know I did the best I could with what I knew and had at the time
It does bring me some peace to afford this to others in my life too
They were also doing the best they could with what they knew and had at the time
and I try to forgive
for myself
and this has brought a bit of a sense of closure to me

Prayers for peace
“And this too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”
--- Abraham Lincoln

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