Newbie with ALO and tough Family

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:59 pm

Newbie with ALO and tough Family

Post by BLLF40 » Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:54 pm

Hello, newbie to this site and Nar-anon which was presented to me and my ALO. This friend is 18 months clean and sober and we are grateful she is here to guide us in the right direction.

Backstory: My wife and I have been together over 4 years and have a beautiful 10yr old daughter (my step daughter). My wife was on pain medication (oxy) for years prior to us meeting and altogether 8 years. I started going to her doctors appointments to confirm her doctor was a pill factory and she requested to get off pills. Doctors have finally cut her off and she is on suboxon and really wants some sort of treatment to help deal with the monster of addiction that now lies on her shoulders and in her head. At this point I am confident she is trying and has not purchased any pills as I now control the money since she does not work. We went through a year of her running out of pills two weeks early and buying from every friend that had them. Again, i truly believe she is doing amazing at this point and battling the withdraws, fuzzy thoughts, and emotions she has not had to deal with for the past 8 years being drowned by the pills.

The hardest part: I come from a very strong, old fashioned, family that is the kind that wants to lock someone in a room and force them to quit calling it tough love. I get my patience from my mother who passed away 8 months ago due to lung cancer at the age of 59. When my mother became sick, we moved in to help since my father went through a triple bypass heart surgery at the same time my mother found out about the cancer. We are all hurting and I have a very large family, 9 aunts and uncles on one side, 4 on the other, and 36 cousins that I see often and live close by. Since we moved in my wife struggled with the addiction and we all watched it unravel in front of everyone. Now that she is in the middle of trying to fight this disease, my family is doing the tough love on her and I can only push that she is trying and has been for 45 days now. Just prior to her taking this leap of faith, she had back surgery for an inplant that was supposed to help her back pain that went all wrong and had to be removed. So after going through two surgeries in 6 weeks, and now 3 weeks has passed since her last surgery, she is obviously fighting the pain with no pain meds, out of suboxon because she does not want to take them anymore, and a hard family still talking behind our backs and thinking she is still using because she cannot get out of bed to clean, take our child to school or do very much until she fully heals from this surgery. I am doing my best to support but now find myself between a family ready to give up and a wife that does not and cannot deal with people who want to be supportive during a time she needs it most. I feel the lies have stopped from my wife but maybe I am blinded. All the people she could get pills from are ex'd from our lives which makes me feel more confident she is not using and the friends that I had providing them promise me they have stopped and are already attending inpatient programs as well.

She has never had an issue with any other drugs as we do not approve of any sort of drugs in our house except for the pills she was taking for pain. How do I get my family and her together again. We are a strong tight family and it is killing me watching them kick us to the curb. I have no addiction problems and they no longer believe me when I say she is doing well. Her mental capacity is closing in on massive depression and I fear the worst will come if it does not stop. How do I keep her strong during this time and focus on her end goal without having to deal with the negativity of others. I have patience and I have hope. The fights we have are over my family which is taking its toll on me and I do not know how to approach either side and keep the peace during this time. Any help is appreciated. I plan to attend my first Nar-Anon meeting next week as she enters an outpatient program starting next week as well.

Thank you,

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Re: Newbie with ALO and tough Family

Post by MarieW » Wed Nov 15, 2017 5:50 pm

Welcome to the Forum. You are carrying so much responsibility on your shoulders. I am glad you plan to attend a Nar-Anon meeting. You will find so much wisdom and support there.

It all comes down to the Serenity Prayer:
God, Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Before this program, I could not tell the difference between what I could control and what I could not. Basically, the ONLY things I can control are my attitude and behavior. I cannot control the behavior of any other adult human being. Not my addicted loved one, not my family members. Just me.

It was both scary and liberating to realize how little power I had over other people. On some days, I might a bit of influence, but that's it. My life is better when I admit that everyone is on their own journey and is responsible for the consequences of their own actions, just like I am.

Attend a meeting. Keep posting and reading. We also have on line meetings here several times a week. Read the posts under Announcements for more info.

And keep coming back!
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:28 pm
Location: NH

Re: Newbie with ALO and tough Family

Post by hangingon » Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:20 pm

1st I am so sorry that you are going through this. IT SUCKS!!!! But, It is wonderful that your wife will be entering an in house program where she will have the emotional support she will need to begin her recovery journey. I am sure you will hear over and over that you have to begin to heal as well and nara-non/ala-non is a great place to start.
As far as your family is concerned, I cannot give you advice but can tell you that it has been my experience that although well intentioned my families comments and/or suggestions about how to deal with my AH's addiction did not help me or my AH in any way. They did not live my life nor do they have the same relationship with my AH that I did. At some point I had to be brave enough to tell them to please keep their opinions to themselves and if they could not then to stay away. Fortunately for me they complied and have been a source of comfort and love and an instrument in my healing.

Everyone's recovery journey is different, and takes no specific amount of time. Honor yours
Hugs to you
Think that the reasons that elude you will one day catch up, that the lessons that have stumped you will one day bring you joy, and the sorrows that have crippled you will soon give you wings.

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Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:59 pm

Re: Newbie with ALO and tough Family

Post by BLLF40 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 4:15 pm

Thank you both so much for the feedback. We are both looking forward to attending classes and courses to get us through this time.

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