What am I doing...?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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What am I doing...?

Post by Mommy2b » Tue Nov 14, 2017 3:57 am

Instead of losing my mind at 2:30 in the morning cause I can’t sleep I have realized I need to do something different. I am married to an addict that I have no idea whether he is using or is in recovery from a recent relapse. When I first found out he was using he attempted out patient and lied for two months. He was selling his prescribed suboxone for heroin. He admitted again that he needed more help and completed 30 inpatient and 30 in a half way house across country. He came home and was amazing for 10 months... sounds like a fairy tale because 10 months later I got pregnant.

What’s suppose to be the happiest days of my life other than getting a second chance with my husband soon ended when I found him passed out in our drive way last month. I fully understand relapse is part of recovery but the tools I learned seemed to have flown out the window and I know it’s because I’m pregnant.

I understand how awful of a disease addiction is but I am so hurt by the lying and the fact that a husband could do this to his pregnant wife and unborn child. I am going back to Nar-Anon and meeting with a councelor but I have nothing right now but hate in my whole being. I am torn between staying and leaving. I am such a mess.

I feel as though my hatred is stopping me from moving forward with him and I’m constantly crying and beating him up every day. I don’t blame myself for his using but I am not doing anything but pushing him closer. I’ve tried suggesting in a calmly matter that maybe I should move out just for awhile while he worked on him and I worked on myself. He said he would rather me do this to him every day instead of moving out but he is failing to see the stress this is causing me.

Looking for someone to connect with struggling with their spouse. Even though I don’t know you, you are all in my heart. Plain and simple this sucks

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Re: What am I doing...?

Post by LKSG8R » Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:51 am


My husband was at his absolute worst when I was pregnant (both times) and for the first few months after each birth. It's something about "adulating" that would trigger him. it took me by surprise because he was always so wonderful with his nieces and nephews. Part of why I fell in love is because I thought he would make such a good father.

Finding him passed out drunk at 2 in the afternoon after being missing for several hours, while I was trying to care for a toddler and a newborn, is what made me finally kick him out. I took three months to work on me, because I realized that my anxiety and anger was making me sick too. After a few month iI did allow him back in the home with lots of boundaries and detachment in place.

Above all, know that you are not alone and there is lots of help on this forum and in face-2-face meetings. The tools of this program are very helpful when raising children too! Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.

Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Re: What am I doing...?

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Nov 14, 2017 10:13 am

Please know that you are not alone in what you are going through. My husband was going through a rough patch with drugs when I was pregnant with our second child. We had just purchased our first home and it should have been the best time in our lives. New homeowners, little baby girl on the way, two decent jobs.... everything was all lining up for us. But he was in a serious battle with addiction. I'd get so worked up that I'd start contracting. It became my focus to try to take care of myself, my little baby and my son. That's all I could handle. After the birth his use only increased and he'd come home a monster. It got to the point where I'd pack up the kids while he was away (if I spoke with him on the phone and could tell his condition was bad enough) and we'd spend the night elsewhere. Those were extremely difficult times. He ended up pulling himself out of that hole for a few years. We had some good times after that, but he didn't get the help he truly needed. Now he's in another rough patch with addiction that has been devastating. I guess through it all, I've learned that I can only focus on myself and my children and making life great for us. I have zero control over his actions and behaviors. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. That's been helpful for me to try to understand. Hugs!

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Re: What am I doing...?

Post by jeanette » Tue Nov 14, 2017 10:34 am

I had to move out for ME>

My husband cried, said he couldn't do it on his own, begged, pleaded, threatened suicide.
It finally got to the point where I realized that NOTHING I did or didn't do really made a difference to whether he was using or not. He used if I was around or if I was at work or at my meeting - or, usually, he left and used and came back rocked!

I left because I needed to be a complete ME before I could be a part of a healthy US.
Now I had stood by YEARS of chronic and potentially terminal physical illness, and extreme mental illness (maybe masqueraded or assisted by addiction), I had been the sole provider for YEARS -

I was an adult - he was an adult - there is only so much of another person's stuff that I can take on - no matter how much I love them.

I moved out for ME - not to hurt or punish HIM
for me - it was survival
Thoughts and Prayers, Peace and Love

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them FEEL. - Maya Angelou

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Re: What am I doing...?

Post by SDIN2T » Tue Nov 14, 2017 2:32 pm

Hi Brittany -Welcome to the forum. You've received so much wonderful sharing from everyone. The only thing I would add is one of our program acronyms. QTIP - Quit Taking It Personal. I don't mean this in a bad way, but what I had to learn about my wife's addiction is that she wasn't behaving badly to me and treating me like sh!t intentionally and personally, it's the addiction that is affecting her behavior.

I beat myself up trying to figure out how on earth could my wife do and say the things she did if she was my wife. I thought she loved me and no one that loves someone would treat me so poorly. I had to learn how to still love my wife but to detach myself from her addiction. It comes from the concept of acceptance - that I accept her for who she is, where she is, and maybe this is as good as it gets.

Because I have no power or control over my addicted wife, or anyone else, I had to accept the things I could not change.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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