7 month old Granddaughter

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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lgmvol
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7 month old Granddaughter

Post by lgmvol » Thu Nov 09, 2017 3:18 pm

Hello,
First time poster here. My son,27, is 125 days clean and sober. For that I am grateful. He is married and has a 7 month old daughter and living in a sober living house. When he relapsed, his wife left him (the night he went into the hospital to detox) and went to live with her parents who live about 30-40 minutes from us. As you can imagine, there are a lot of variables coming into play in this situation.

While the subject of his wife and his marriage are none of my business (I finally figured that out!), I am concerned about my relationship with my grand daughter. From the time she was born until now, we have had limited contact. The wife insists that she is not with holding her from us as we are always welcome to visit the baby at her parent's home. However, we are given a time frame like " you can visit on Monday from 5:30-7:00" . While we visit, the other grandparents sit in the room with us making small talk, taking the baby out of our hands when she cries, etc. My husband and I feel so uncomfortable!

In order to retain my health and my recovery, we have unofficially decided that it is not in anybodies best interest to visit under those circumstances. Once they decided on the future of their marriage, I hope that we will be able to connect with the baby and have a solid relationship with her. At this point my son does not have any leverage to coordinate visits with the baby. We tried to move the point of contact from my DIL's mother (the DIL changed her number so I do not have it)to him, but I think he is trying to keep it together to stay clean and in her good graces. I do not think he is in the best position to negotiate time for us.

So how to move forward? How to connect with my granddaughter at this point? Should be schedule visits under those circumstances?

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SDIN2T
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by SDIN2T » Thu Nov 09, 2017 4:08 pm

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

My past situation is somewhat different, but perhaps some parallels. My daughter and her first born lived in my house with all of our family that included my wife, an addict, and 2 oldest sons that are addicts. Within 2 years she had another child and eventually move to an apartment with her fiancé while going to college. After a couple years, out of college, she moved back home to save money for a house, but my wife and sons were really in the depths of their addiction. Once she saw how bad it was, she moved out and stayed with her fiancé at his mother's house. She explained why she left, and of course I understood. But I was devastated not being around my grandkids all the time.

She allowed visits any time, but I had to work around her schedule. I had to visit at the other grandmother's house and I felt uncomfortable, although the other grandmother did not interfere. But I was limited to stay in the play room which just isn't the same as playing with my grand kids at my house.

All the inconvenience of where, when and how I could visit didn't matter to me. All I cared about was that I got to see my grandkids. That was the most important thing.

I can't tell you what to do, you have to decide what works for you. Maybe things will get easier as the baby gets older. Maybe there is a stroller and you can take the baby for a walk.

Now that my grandkids are 8 and 4, the relationship I have with them is one of the most important things in my life.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

lgmvol
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by lgmvol » Thu Nov 09, 2017 4:36 pm

That is a very similar situation and I do appreciate that you have responded to me.

I understand what you are saying and I expect that we will resume the visits in a bit. I had a very hard time with it all as I was adjusting to the new norm in my life. I do feel better emotionally and perhaps the visit will not throw me into a depression as before. I have sent her cards, gifts and messages to keep some type of contact with her.

I think I am just anxious to have some closure. But I also think I will just have to wait.

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flash
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by flash » Fri Nov 10, 2017 5:47 am

Welcome to the forum. I'm sure from reading some old posts you will find ESH.
There are a lot of posts on grandchildren.
I have been blessed in the past year and a half with two grandbabies. One is the daughter of my son and his gf who are in MAT recovery.
I have been fearful obviously at times since this little angel was born of if she will always be in my life.
The gf is from out of state and their relationship is not always what I would like it to be
I have had to accept that I can't run their lives, or my granddaughters.
I have a hard enough time taking care of my own life.
I have to truly surrender to the universe in this situation and just pray that this angel will always be a big part of my life.
Sending you warm wishes.
Love, Donna

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time4me?
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by time4me? » Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:07 pm

Hello and welcome.

Grandma here as well. My grand daughter is now 3. When she was born, My son and the baby's mother were in active addiction. When she lived with her mom and grandmother, I only got to see her occasionally. I wasn't privy to a lot of what was going on. When she was about 6-7 months old, CPS got involved. GD went into kinship care. (aunt and uncle and me) It's a long story.... GD's mom is an active user. Dad is following treatment plan and now has full custody.

Everyone's situation is a little different. I hope you get your time with her.

Hang in there.

lgmvol
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by lgmvol » Thu Nov 16, 2017 5:11 pm

Thanks! I go through many different feelings about this. My DIL is not an addict but does have some mental health issue that for today do not interfere with her parenting. My DIL and GD are living with her parents and I believe that my GD is getting excellent care. That I do not worry about, thank goodness. My son continues to be clean but is afraid to confront his wife to get more time for any of us. But that is not my concern...meaning I can not control the outcome of his marriage.

My concern is selfish. I feel like I am missing so much time with my GD and I really do not have much control over that. While we can schedule an appointment to see her, it always ends with me in depression for a while. I wish I could handle that better..

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time4me?
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by time4me? » Mon Nov 20, 2017 5:19 pm

I get that. Feel free to message me if you would like.

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endoftheroad
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by endoftheroad » Mon Nov 20, 2017 5:37 pm

I also have experienced this situation with my granddaughter who is now 6. Her dad is still in active addiction and pretty much out of her life. He is my AS.

Early on, I thought it was very important for my hubbie and I to stay connected with our grand. I was a bit bossy with her mom, who is a tremendous mom. And I even tried to preserve the relationship between father and daughter. Until I noticed that when she was almost 2, she was very afraid of my AS, her dad, even when he was in recovery.

I had an epiphany when she was about 4, apologized to her mother, told her she had her own life, that we were honored to have our GD in our lives with whatever boundaries her mom gave us. I learned that this amends was very powerful! Her mom then began to let us take our GD for a day at a time to our house, and then weekends and now we sometimes see her for a whole week at our house when she has school breaks. I am always careful to be very thankful and uncritical of her life and choices. My son's relationship with my grand's mother did not make it. I will never blame her for moving on. My son is now 28 and has only brief periods of clean and sober.

I have learned that my son's life and relationship with his child is up to him. I stay out of that. I have also learned to be respectful and grateful with the time that we have in our granddaughter's life. I don't think that I am owed anything by any human being and must earn the respect and kindness of this relationship through my own love and kindness to them.

Good luck, tread lightly.
This is the easier softer way.....

DeanW
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Re: 7 month old Granddaughter

Post by DeanW » Mon Nov 20, 2017 7:32 pm

I decided I was going to have relationships, strong relationships with my 2 grandsons regardless of ANY behavior shown toward me by my daughter or her husband. They are individuals. Those relationships mean so much to me. My daughter (long term sober) still acts out about the boys from time to time (control). I could always tell by the boys' behavior. I try my best to not engage and to work on the relationships with my grandsons and my daughter separately.

The above is my ESH - decisions made with much counseling. It works for me with my grandsons....

However, I know a couple whose daughter would not allow any visits at all. Not even if she was present. The grandparents started an account for the child and put money in for all the holidays. They also wrote letters to the grandchild that they would not send (because they could not).

I always try to base my decisions on what I do for my grandsons and how I do it on "is this in their best interest?" - Sometimes my decision is not to do what I was going to do - perhaps something they needed - but, I felt it would cause more issues than it should. God bless.

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