What about US?

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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What about US?

Post by Claytonmomof2 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 2:21 pm

My husband has struggled off/on with addiction the past decade. It hasn't always been prominent in his life. It has taken much of the past decade for him to realize that he is an addict. I still don't think he fully realizes it. He wants to pick and choose which thing he's addicted to and solve that. The problem is that if you take away one of the addictions then the others just get enhanced. He had a "life crisis" a few months ago and walked away from everything. Walked away from his nice home, the kids, our marriage, his close and extended family, and even his job. Everything. He's no longer in communication with any of his family really.... He gave up on everything all within a week! The addictions won. They'd been tearing everything apart for quite some time. As part of his addiction he's also having an affair. She worked at the gambling facility and was providing drugs to him. Lived in her daughters trailer and is much older than us. So he moved in with her in that environment. I've struggled with what my role is now in this situation. He's tried to come back...he agreed to go to rehab (completed half the program....20 days) then moved back in with us for two weeks. He just can't seem to kick his addictions nor the affair. And it's all wrapped up together. I spoke with the counselor at the treatment facility and he said that affairs are common for addicts. Has anyone else experienced this? It's so hard to understand my place now....do I contact him? Do I not contact him? Do I try to keep the lines of communication open or do I only let him reach out to me? I have two kids that need my focus. This is just not the person that I know he is. I know that the healthy person that I love would have never walked out on his family and would have never chose anything over spending his life with his children. We're devastated. It's been awful. He finally admitted to me two weeks ago that all of this is mostly the result of drugs. For me, that was huge. The fact that he not only recognized that drugs had caused this mess but also confessed that to me. It was a big deal, yes, but it doesn't fix the situation. And I feel that the more time that passes with him in this situation is only tearing us apart more. My therapist said that I really shouldn't contact him at all anymore. That he needs to really miss us and if we continue to be in contact then it fixes "his itch" and then he doesn't miss us as much for a while. Anyone have a similar story with a spouse?

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Re: What about US?

Post by Mich1210 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 10:36 pm

I can relate. See my post "Married 12 years". Three years ago my husband moved out and lived in his warehouse of our business. Little did I know he was heavily using and was having an affair with one of our employees. They were addicts together. After many months, he wanted to come back. He realized the woman meant nothing except a partner in partying and other acts that took me much time to heal from. He has always had an underlying issue as his trigger. Depression, the need to be successful no matter the cost in order to prove himself. The loss of his father superceded the affair and leaving home. He did not go for counseling for grief and anytime a financial stress came around he relapsed. He has always felt he has control over his addiction and can stop whenever he wants, only to start up again at the next stress trigger. His last relapse I did something different....I left with the kids. Only for the weekend but I've never left before, it was always him. He has yet to start a program even though he keeps saying he will go when he is ready. I started F2F NAR-ANON meetings near me on Tuesday nights and I am so glad I found my courage to finally start going, tonight was my 3rd meeting. Can you find a group in your area? The meetings are so empowering and you learn so much. I'm working on my boundaries, and I only take one day at a time.

PM if you need a buddy!

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Re: What about US?

Post by Naiswife » Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:03 pm

I can relate to this so much. My husband of 11 yrs did the same to me. He is currently in recovery, and inpatient rehab. Just a few days ago he said to me that his affair, well really there were a few women, but one main affair, was all a result of the addiction. I believe that with my whole heart. I know how you feel, it validates somethings, but doesn't fix the hurt. I know the woman who he was seeing has a history of addiction in her family, and he to some extent felt she understood, when really I believe she has never truly healed from it, and is 100% an enabler. He and I are in a good place now, and I wish I could tell you what brought about the change in him. He just one day called me at work, and said he was going to rehab. I never pushed it, he had to choose to go for him.
I will keep you in my thoughts :)

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Re: What about US?

Post by Jade11 » Tue Nov 14, 2017 12:06 pm

I can also relate to how you feel. My husband of 10 years had several emotional affairs while using drugs. He manipulated the women out of money to support his habit. It felt like his love for me died. I handled it really badly. I bent over backwards to keep him at home, did a lot of snooping and cussing him out. I threatened to have an affair too. None of that helped and it made me feel worse. The 3 C's of Nar-Anon really does apply here: I didn't CAUSE it - I can't CONTROL it - I can't CURE it. A few months ago I felt so sick from stress. I told my husband I wanted a divorce and I was going to get on with my life. It was his choice to get sober and join me and our kids or not. It was scary saying that and I doubted I meant it. It helped to attend meetings, read literature every day and pray for guidance and strength. Right now my husband is in sober recovery, working his program, and we're seeing a marriage counselor. He had to choose that himself and I thank my HP (God) he did. Have you been to a meeting? It can really help to attend, listen or share. Keep coming back for you! :)

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Re: What about US?

Post by DianeB » Wed Nov 15, 2017 10:41 am

What about us ? is the story of all of us. It is written by each of us on
different pages and types of paper.

I asked that question and found the answer was all mine to choose. No one
else can answer this question.

It's as useless as my asking What if?

I had to ask....what about me? What about my family? Where do I go next?
What do I want for my life now?

I choose to live life in peace and serenity. I had to begin to write my own
story without addiction being the main character.

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