Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by Knappster » Mon Sep 25, 2017 7:14 pm

I would love to hear your experiences of dealing with siblings, one is an addict, one is not. My AS is incarcerated because of his addiction and dealings with the law, my daughter is a successful businesswoman who has not even gotten a parking ticket. The issue is she will not have anything to do with him and I'm afraid she never will. Yes, he has given her reasons to feel the way she does; his lying, her trying to support his recovery for years and his constant failure at it, and he dropped a Xanax pill in her home by her young child and claimed it wasn't his (yes, that is horrible!) His birthday is next month and she won't even send a card. Her explanation is time will tell, he will have to prove and maintain his sobriety for a very, very long time. I understand she is entitled to her opinion and has a right to feel the way she does but it is breaking my heart. Thanks for letting me share.
Last edited by Knappster on Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:31 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by MarieW » Mon Sep 25, 2017 7:32 pm

Yep. My daughter also wanted nothing to do with her brother for years. They reconciled somewhat when he stayed with us while recovering from his broken leg, and it was good to hear and see them together. That said, she still doesn't trust him as far as she could throw him and really doesn't have anything to do with him now that he's moved out. Granted, they are 7 years apart in age, so weren't that close after childhood. She isn't hostile, just really, really detached.

I stay out of it. I'm still figuring out what kind of relationship I want with my son, so I cant judge her for handling it the way she thinks is best.

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by SDIN2T » Mon Sep 25, 2017 7:45 pm

My daughter has nothing to do with her 2 older addicted brothers. She was recently married and her 2 other younger 2 brothers had a part in the wedding and her 2 addicted brothers did not they were however invited to the wedding. Her coldness to her addicted brothers is obvious, and completely justified.

My 2 non-addicted younger sons barely talk to their older addicted brothers.

I do not get in the middle of any relationships my 5 adult kids have with each other. That includes the relationship my 3 non-addicted kids have with each other.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by ReneeAway » Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:12 pm

My sister is an addict. I am extremely mad at her right now. I can understand your sisters POV, especially since there are kids involved. I think that's the deal breaker in it all. It would be, and is , for me. My sister really hurt my daughter, so I am furious at her. So, as sad as it is to be in the middle, sometimes, things just need to run their course. I am sorry it's hurting you, but he is the one who did this. I hope you can find a way to give him his share of the responsibility, and not take it on for him. It isn't your burden. But I know it hurts. I am sorry for your pain. I will say a prayer for you.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by Knappster » Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:44 pm

Thank you for your responses. I learned something from your shares. First, I can't force my daughter to have a relationship with her brother, he has done some awful things as an addict and it is her right to make that decision. Second, I should stay out of my adult children's lives. This brought back the concept of fantasy vs reality. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by hope1 » Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:01 am

I know how you feel. My son and daughter were estranged for a period of time due to some of the things she did to him when in active addiction. It broke my heart to see this relationship fragmented. I learned that i cannot smooth the path for anyone, make wrong things right, or just generally try to control the situation. I had to stay on my side of the street and let them sort it out. The bonds of love are strong and forgiveness is earned. Much to my delight they are starting to heal their relationship, spending time together, phone each other and just generally taking an interest in each others lives again. I am grateful

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by jdm » Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:20 am

My older sister (4years) is an addict. For many years (and sometimes still) I somehow felt responsible for her addiction. Shortly before she became addicted to heroin, she had asked to come and stay with my boyfriend and I for an indefinite period of time. She has always struggled with depression, anxiety etc. and was never able to hold a job on her own. My mother has supported her for as long as she has been alive (36 years) and offered to buy her the plane ticket, but what then? Was I to be responsible for her well being as a 26 year old? It was not something that I was willing or able to take on, and I always felt that it was a little unfair that somehow I was to be the one, the "only one," who could bring her out of her depression. She never came out to stay with me, and has since become a heroin addict. She lives with my mother, who continues to enable her using, and my mother hasn't visited me in over 8 years because all her energy and resources go into caring for my AS.
My point with all of this is that we are often unable to see the perspectives of other family members when we are dealing with addiction because we are so focused on figuring out how in the heck we are going to manage for ourselves. I do not know what it is like to be a mother of an addict, so I try to show compassion when I begin to feel angry and upset at my mother's actions for enabling my sister's addiction. As siblings of addicts, we often feel that nothing we do can ever compare to the actions of our ALOs. Our proudest moments are often met with a, "that's nice honey," or "good job." Therefore, we begin to detach from our family of origin because we feel we cannot be ourselves, nothing we say or do will ever be as significant as the issues facing our addict siblings.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by jeanette » Tue Sep 26, 2017 7:44 am

I have a sibling story that has nothing to do with addiction -

My mother became the primary caretaker of her mother as grandma got older. She worked very hard to make sure that she had a legal conservatorship and very carefully made sure that every penny of grandma's was accounted for and overseen by the courts. She also worked very hard to keep her brother and sister informed of what was happening with grandma, healthwise, moneywise, etc. Calling so they could talk to their own mother, sending pictures, etc.

My uncle was, well, there really aren't nice words - he didn't care about grandma - just about how much money would be there for him when she finally passed away. He never visited (a 4 hour drive), but would talk about all kinds of vacations all over the world. He didn't send cards, flowers, nothing.

After grandma's death - mom said "that is it, I am done". She no longer speaks to her brother. And she told me she wouldn't have continued to keep him apprised of the estate if she didn't think he would have caused legal trouble after grandma's death (inappropriately handling of her finances and estate).

We all want Norman Rockwell families - but I believe they only exist in paintings. My family of choice - that is another matter!
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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by Ronni » Tue Sep 26, 2017 9:01 am

For some years his 4 siblings were estranged from their brother, my RAS. They are all adults, and they all at various times helped their brother out enormously. He lived with each of them, they helped him find work, given him food, vehicles, money, showed up at his court dates, bailed him other words, they went to the wall for him, time and time again. He wasted every single effort and offer of help, wasted it all, just continued to use. They got fed up. I don't blame them.

My RAS has been clean now for about 3 years. Over the last year and a half, the kids, each in their own way, has re-established a relationship with their brother. They did it in their own time, at their own pace. None of them, (just like me) completely trust him and I don't know if they ever will fully. But they're willing to hang with him, do stuff together, he helped one of his brothers move a bit ago, we're all going zip lining and aerial trekking together this w/e, they goof off and are do typical sibling stuff at the family get togethers. It's taken time, and it's nothing I facilitated. The non addict kids get to choose whether or not they want to be around their brother, and that's OK.
My son's addiction is something that happened TO HIM. It is NOT something he did TO ME.

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by linda.f » Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:25 pm

I understand and you are not alone.

I had to learn to bite my tongue over and over through the years. It started
when she was around 7, she is now going on 20.
To give my daughter a voice so she could
express to her brother how he impacts (past, present and future) her life.
It had to be on her terms and when she was ready. When she was trying to
figure it out, I encouraged her to speak with a therapist. I allowed her to
share with me her thoughts and how she mattered and what she had to say
was important.
When she finally started the process (around 18) it was pretty explosive. My son
has been working a program for a year and a half. They currently do not speak and
that's ok. They will have to figure it out for themselves.

When my son made amends he left her out. I was very upset. I brought it up at
my meeting. Lucky for me we had a double winner there. He is a great guy and
such an asset to our meeting. He shared it took him working the program multiple
times for him to realize he was supposed to make amends to his sister. (In his 60's)
:o When he finally did she called him out on it and let him know it was about time.

Anyway, we can only do what we can. We cannot force relationships on anyone, whether
it be family or friend. Its called acceptance and staying out of things that I cannot

Keep the focus on you and things will fall into place, they always do one way or the
other, but as we know with addiction it usually happens a totally different way than


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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by ruthgibby » Tue Oct 03, 2017 8:14 am

As siblings of addicts, our voices are often muffled by the drama that the ... I really wanted to believe him and trust that this time was different from all

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Re: Sibling wants no contact with addict brother

Post by Kaasmom » Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:07 pm

My ALO is my oldest child of 3, she is 25 - there is a 23 yr old girl and a 21 yr old boy. Neither of them now speak with their sister. There was a time when both of them told me that I needed to stop being in contact with my AD but I explained to them that as a sibling, I felt that it is their right to have a relationship with her or not, but as a parent - they could not expect me to be on the same page as them. We have decided that I will not update them on my AD but will tell them anything if and when they ask. My son does ask sometimes but my daughter doesn't, and I respect that.

They have both been hurt many times, were excited and happy when she attended the 1st treatment centre, sad when she relapsed, excited and happy again with the 2nd treatment centre, but then found out she had been lying for 2 weeks of the 42 days there and when she left there she didn't last 24 hrs being clean, so then onto the 3rd time at treatment, both siblings chose not to visit her for the 90 days, she then moved home, the siblings tried to start a new adult relationship with her, she did her amends to them both, then one week after moving back she disappeared, left and hasn't spoken with any of us since Aug 24. She private messages me on FB about once a week, she is homeless in a large city with her abusive, ex-boyfriend. He was released from jail on Aug 23, showed up and took her with him. Sorry - off topic - but my point is you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family, but you do not have to like your family members or accept their bad behaviour. They have both been hurt very deeply, if they need space to heal, that is what I want to support. Each of us needs to deal with our own relationship dynamic.

I am sending prayers for you and your children.

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