Living with recovering addict and infidelity

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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jwilldimedrop10
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Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by jwilldimedrop10 » Tue May 30, 2017 5:54 pm

Quick background.

I been with my wife for 6 years and we were on and off for about 14 years. Of those 14 years 10 of them have been in turmoil. She had cheated on me with someone and out me though hell. I will spare the details. She also emotionally shunned me often not wanting to have sex with me or party with me. We then had a child and got married. Well all we did was throw out dirt under the carpet and didn't address the past. Fast forward to 2013 and she's an addict stealing pills from hospital. She's also having an affair with a co-worker. Again, I'll spare the details but same as before....juat dragged me through the mud. Now I'm 35 she's 33 and has been in recovery for 4 years. She runs an awesome program but yet we still have our problems. Emotionally she can't connect or physically connect to me because of the past. Well now she is pregnant with our second child and all these memories deep rooted in my body came out. I don't know why it happened now but I want a divorce. I finally got to the point that her past and what she did I couldn't deal with anymore. The child we are having brought it out. I've tried counseling. She has too. I still drink and go out with friends. Nothing major but she hasn't been able to come out with me not does she like being around alcohol at all. I'm scared about what happens next. Am I right to finally do something for myself? I just flat out couldn't take it in my head and I let it all out. She finally understands I'm broken. I don't love her like I used too and while we did get pregnant we only were having sex once a month. She's at 4 months now. Any help ??

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Leena80
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by Leena80 » Tue May 30, 2017 9:30 pm

I can completely relate. My AH also had an affair for 2 years. Then I find out he's been using 2 years. I'm feeling the same way. I don't think I can get past his 4 years of dishonesty. I think about divorce daily. I love him though and the thought of being without him makes me sad. I cannot offer you advice but I can let you know I know what you are feeling.

chrissy
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by chrissy » Wed May 31, 2017 1:29 am

My ex husband and I have been through something similar. I cheated and so did he but mine was very emotional and for a long period of time. He is the drug addict though. We had just had a baby who was 1 month when I filed for divorce and it's been about a year and a couple of months since then. Although I just moved out on my own about 6 months ago.
It was the best decision I could have made in regards to him and I. Our marriage was over and we were holding on to the fact that we have been together 21 years. You don't just throw that away without some thought and counseling.
I think you probably know the answer but the reality is either you do the work it would take to get a good marriage going or you don't and divorce. If you're not willing to put the work in then it's best to end it as soon as possible.
It's very hard on our kids and visitation with an addicted ex is also another very big issue you will have to face. Not an easy road at all but the sanity is so worth it.

jwilldimedrop10
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by jwilldimedrop10 » Wed May 31, 2017 3:30 pm

How do you deal with the pain or emotions?

MarieW
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by MarieW » Wed May 31, 2017 5:14 pm

Welcome to the Forum.

I learned to face my emotions by learning more about myself. I was drowning in fear, resentment and anger for many years. Though my son brought me here, Nar-Anon has helped me make better decisions in all aspects of my life.

You say that your wife is working a program, but what about you? I need a recovery program (meetings, sponsor, steps) as much as my ALOs. Have you found a face to face meeting (Nar-Anon or Al-anon) in your area?

Keep coming back.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

jwilldimedrop10
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by jwilldimedrop10 » Wed May 31, 2017 5:26 pm

I've been to family meetings. Mostly sons and daughters are the addicted ones not so much spouses and very little success stories shared. A few spouses i was able to relate too bur they shared the same fears and resentments and the fact that they have been scarred by someone like that they couldn't get over it.

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LKSG8R
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by LKSG8R » Fri Jun 02, 2017 11:09 am

Hello and welcome.

You mentioned that there are very few "success stories" at your F2F meeting. I know I had to redefine what "success" meant to me. At first I thought that meant my AH would stop drinking, and then our relationship perfect. Over time I realized that success comes in many different forms. I made a conscious decision to forget the past and work on the future. My marriage may not be the fairy tale I envisioned. But we have gone from chaos due to infidelity, lying, and his feeling the need to hide from me- to a very steady state of calm, trust, and mutual respect. It took many years of practicing detachment, which at first seems odd for a marriage but actually has been very healthy for me and him. We love each other, but we know our boundaries too.

Keep coming back! It works if you work it.
Lisa
Trying to be the person my dog thinks I am.

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Mernel
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by Mernel » Mon Nov 20, 2017 10:35 pm

I am struggling with some of the same issues. My recovering addict shows me barely any affection. While I was going through cancer treatment he was abusing his pain pills and talking to other women. I went through a lot alone and I have 2 kids that's aren't his and he put them through a lot. I honestly love him and I have been understanding and through it all I remained focused on the man I knew he was. Now he's sober and I feel as though he is a stranger most of the times. I don't know how to be. He never wants to have sex and being rejected and not getting the intimate connection we had and his showing me these things it really takes a toll on my self esteem! I wonder daily as well if I can handle the emotional strain it puts on me! I totally understand what you are thinking. It's horrible and seems no matter what it's going to be the wrong decision!
With Love

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Jade11
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Re: Living with recovering addict and infidelity

Post by Jade11 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:10 pm

My husband is in early recovery. It's really not easy for either of us. I try to keep my focus on making healthy decisions for myself one day at a time. I don't have to make all the big decisions today. I can make simple decisions. Like go to sleep at a reasonable hour. Eat a healthy breakfast today. Take a minute to close my eyes and deep breaths when I feel anxiety coming. Keeping it simple. As far as emotions those are hard for me. Going to meetings helps, you will find others who feel the same things and understand. Reading the shares here and reading Nar-Anon or Al-Anon literature helps me too.

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