my daughter and her son...

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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my daughter and her son...

Post by DeanW » Mon Mar 28, 2016 10:26 am

I posted earlier about "breaking the ice" at Easter....after everyone had left my daughter said, "Mom I am so grateful that my son is such a good kid. That he is respectful and isn't getting in trouble." She then hugged me and said, "I don't know how I could handle what you went through with me." Then she said, "It probably isn't fair that I got such a good kid after all the stress I gave you. But, I know I just couldn't handle it."

I'm thinking ..... I didn't "handle it." And, "why do I still feel stress about this?" I think she nailed it when she then said, "Of course if my son started acting out - it would be just as hard for you to see that as it would be for me." - Yeah, that's right, it would be. OMG...yes.

I look at my older grandson (almost 18) and am amazed that he is who he is. He has these conversations with us that confuse me - about philosophy and science and math equations - how did he develop these traits? I worry about some of them - like his mother, sensitive to an extreme - however, unlike his mother - he doesn't seem to be sensitive about other's perceived slights or judgments against him. He IS very concerned about possibly hurting others feelings. I don't know what the future will bring for him but he clearly has the potential to be a wonderful person.

The younger one is suddenly struggling with everything...friendships, school. When his older brother was his age (12) - the boys were living with us. My older grandson literally could not go to school. We spent 3 years of middle school slowly acclimating him to being around people; catching up with school work. One class in school the first year; 2 classes the 2nd year of middle school and then in the 8th grade he went full time - honors classes. But, this was intense work...coordination with the school and tutors and also his therapist.

I do think my daughter SEES the chaos that here lifestyle brought to me and to my husband. Not sure she gets how it has affected her sons and her siblings - and even herself.

It's just been a longer time than I thought it would be. I sincerely thought that once drug misuse and abuse was discontinued that recovery would be the next step. She gets that she cannot function in her life impaired by drugs but I keep looking for more "recovery"....

I am starting to think as part of MY recovery that I am no longer going to be looking at hers. I'm getting some needed tunnel vision...:)

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Re: my daughter and her son...

Post by grateful » Mon Mar 28, 2016 10:40 am

Yay!!!! It takes time to change what we can't change sometimes with loved ones and to see that which is possible for us to change. Love the thread, Dean. Thank you.
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Re: my daughter and her son...

Post by Walkingon » Mon Mar 28, 2016 10:55 pm

Hello DeanW
Yes. Looking at our own recovery. This is something I work on every day. The majority of my efforts and thoughts have been on my daughter's recovery. This has led to more than a decade of enabling drug use rather than my intent of helping her become sober. I am still early in my recovery but I do now recognize I have absolutely no control over her decisions and walk in the world.

I am getting older and I see the physical decline. (I am currently denying the mental decline). My mortality is front and center. I now choose to make better decisions for myself. It is my deepest wish my daughter will make good decisions for herself.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

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