feeling hopeless

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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itsjustme9
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feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 12:29 pm

Hi Im new here... husband is an addict. weve been together 11 years and saw him sober for more then 30 days TWICE. Im so lost right now, and there are no meetings near me today.

Suellen
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by Suellen » Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:25 pm

Hi
I am new to this forum too. Just signed up last night. My husband is an addict as well. We've been married for 31 years and I've known about his problem for about 9 months now. I too am feeling hopeless today. I am really trying to be patient. He says he signed back up with his addiction counselor but he is still using. I can tell when as I've been watching his behavior for so long now. He is a liar. He gets angry when I question his whereabouts as I don't trust him. Causes lots of fights. My life is in a shambles.

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 1:43 pm

Mine too. I feel like a terrible mom that my kids have to live with me like this... im the bad guy and he is their hero...he can do no wrong..

Suellen
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by Suellen » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:11 pm

I get that too. I feel like I am living a charade as our kids and friends don't know about his addiction. The sun shines out of his bum as far as the world is concerned. He has asked me not to tell anyone about this. I am trying to get the guts to force him to tell our kids or I will. They are going to be very angry with me at first because I didn't tell them as soon as I knew. Because he functions pretty good on the day to day I think they assume we are having the usual marital scuffles that most people do but I don't know that for sure. I struggle with no one to talk to and my anger is building beyond what I can control.

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:17 pm

My kids are only 5 and 9.. so no telling them.. although i think my son (9) has an idea. everyone else knows

Suellen
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by Suellen » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:23 pm

What is your husband's addiction?

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SDIN2T
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by SDIN2T » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:35 pm

Sorry this is so long, I don't normally do this.

I remember when I came to this forum almost 18 months ago. I came here looking for advice how I could get my addicts (wife and 2 older sons) to quit using drugs. I knew in my heart that if they would just quit, life could go back to the way it was before they started using. I needed the advice because I already tried everything I could think of to get them to quit. I tried loving them more, tried arguing, tried pleading. I was a detective snooping in backpacks and purses so I could find the drugs and confront them. I looked up treatment facilities, spent thousands of dollars on lawyers, and so much more. I felt hopeless, I just needed some new ideas.

I found out the people on this forum don't give advice how to fix my addicts. They actually don't give any advice! I thought, what the heck was I doing here wasting my time? I need advice! But I stuck around because so many people had stories that were similar to mine. They had all the emotions I had. I started to feel a connection to the people here, but I still wanted the advice to get my addicts to quit!

I stayed logged into the forum all day and read all the new posts as they popped up. I wanted more, so I started to read old posts. I started to realize that instead of giving advice, people shared their personal experiences, their strengths and their hope how they dealt with having addicted loved ones. I didn't agree with everything people said, so I used what I could apply in my situation and I ignored the rest.

The one thing I noticed was there were people here that had peace and serenity in their lives. Which I found very hard to believe because I was living with 3 addicts (still do) and I felt hopeless and my life was in chaos. Then I noticed the people that had this peace and serenity kept referring to tools, meetings and literature. After time, I made the connection that if I used the tools, meetings and literature - that would give me the peace and serenity I craved.

So here I am 18 months later. I've accepted my addicts for who they are and I still love them. I've accepted I am powerless to try to control or change them; I let them lead their lives without me interfering. I allow my life to be guided by the strength I have in my higher power. I'm no longer hopeless and my life isn't in chaos - I have hope for many things, just no expectations. Life isn't perfect, but it's better than it was 18 months ago.

Now if you go back and read what I just wrote. I didn't offer you any advice. I shared my experience from my situation, I shared where my strength comes from, and I shared my hope. Maybe you can't accept everything I said. That's OK, use what you can and leave the rest. But don't leave the forum - Keep coming back - We understand how you feel.

:JR
And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:42 pm

Suellen wrote:What is your husband's addiction?
Everything. But mostly crack- molly/ecstacy and pills are frequent as well..

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:44 pm

SDIN2T wrote:Sorry this is so long, I don't normally do this.

I remember when I came to this forum almost 18 months ago. I came here looking for advice how I could get my addicts (wife and 2 older sons) to quit using drugs. I knew in my heart that if they would just quit, life could go back to the way it was before they started using. I needed the advice because I already tried everything I could think of to get them to quit. I tried loving them more, tried arguing, tried pleading. I was a detective snooping in backpacks and purses so I could find the drugs and confront them. I looked up treatment facilities, spent thousands of dollars on lawyers, and so much more. I felt hopeless, I just needed some new ideas.

I found out the people on this forum don't give advice how to fix my addicts. They actually don't give any advice! I thought, what the heck was I doing here wasting my time? I need advice! But I stuck around because so many people had stories that were similar to mine. They had all the emotions I had. I started to feel a connection to the people here, but I still wanted the advice to get my addicts to quit!

I stayed logged into the forum all day and read all the new posts as they popped up. I wanted more, so I started to read old posts. I started to realize that instead of giving advice, people shared their personal experiences, their strengths and their hope how they dealt with having addicted loved ones. I didn't agree with everything people said, so I used what I could apply in my situation and I ignored the rest.

The one thing I noticed was there were people here that had peace and serenity in their lives. Which I found very hard to believe because I was living with 3 addicts (still do) and I felt hopeless and my life was in chaos. Then I noticed the people that had this peace and serenity kept referring to tools, meetings and literature. After time, I made the connection that if I used the tools, meetings and literature - that would give me the peace and serenity I craved.

So here I am 18 months later. I've accepted my addicts for who they are and I still love them. I've accepted I am powerless to try to control or change them; I let them lead their lives without me interfering. I allow my life to be guided by the strength I have in my higher power. I'm no longer hopeless and my life isn't in chaos - I have hope for many things, just no expectations. Life isn't perfect, but it's better than it was 18 months ago.

Now if you go back and read what I just wrote. I didn't offer you any advice. I shared my experience from my situation, I shared where my strength comes from, and I shared my hope. Maybe you can't accept everything I said. That's OK, use what you can and leave the rest. But don't leave the forum - Keep coming back - We understand how you feel.

:JR

thank you so much. ive done meetings and they help.. i need to just get there.. I know I cant fix him and honestly I dont care enough to try anymore :(

Suellen
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by Suellen » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:49 pm

My husband's thing is cocaine. I can't understand how my life got to this state. I can relate with you about not caring anymore. It just gets too tiring.

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Fri Mar 25, 2016 2:52 pm

I just have a bad case of the f!@# its...

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grateful
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by grateful » Fri Mar 25, 2016 3:52 pm

Welcome to the Forum. Just wanted to greet you and let you know there is always hope for us. Meetings, literature, step work with a sponsor, keeping the focus on myself and doing what brings me a sense of fulfillment and joy whether or not my ALOs get treatment or not has changed my thinking and therefore my feelings. Keep coming back. We understand.
Seek beauty

adzmom
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by adzmom » Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:03 pm

Yes we do understand, it is hard to live I active addiction but possible to work a program and take care of us, its not easy but can be done. Detachment is one of the greatest tools of the program. I'm trying my best to use it dealing with my ah and his active addiction. I learned here that addiction is a family DISEASE and we have been affected as well. Keep coming back read, read and read some more

itsjustme9
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by itsjustme9 » Mon Mar 28, 2016 3:35 pm

thank you all <3

Heather25
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Re: feeling hopeless

Post by Heather25 » Mon Mar 28, 2016 3:44 pm

I am feeling this way today too. I think my husband might lose his job because of his use. We both have good jobs, but I will not be able to support us fully because of all the debt he has put us in. I feel like the floor is falling out from under me. We have small kids too, although I don't think they understand what is happening. He has managed to hide it from everyone, including our friends and family. I know people talk about finding peace and separation from the addict(ion), but I have not been able to do that yet. I hope one day I can, some days this feels too impossible to keep up. Hang in there

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