New found strength...I think.

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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New found strength...I think.

Post by mkcf » Wed Mar 23, 2016 6:59 pm

Today, my husband and I were encouraging our AS to get back into rehab. He admitted to us that he was using again. Somehow he thought it was important for us to know that it isn't on a daily basis. I'm sad that he is using, I'm sad that he thinks that not using every day makes it better somehow. He was telling us that he really doesn't think that he needs inpatient rehab, he would prefer a partial hospitalization program. That kind of talk made us skeptical as to where his head really is. We encouraged him to call a particular rehab that we know he has full insurance coverage for and has a good reputation and allow the professionals there to make the decision as to what kind of therapy he needs.
A few hours later, while cleaning out the garage, my husband realized that his new golf clubs had been taken from his new bag and old clubs put in their place. He went straight to our son about it. Son denied doing anything with the clubs. As luck(or maybe bad luck) would have it, my husband found a card for a pawn shop on the ground outside our house. He called them and guess what? The same kind of clubs were there. My husband drove to the place and found his clubs there and a receipt signed by our son. What a blow. Something turned on in both of us and we went directly to the police department. We filled out a report, but have not yet pressed charges. But, it is probably just a matter of time before we do. Or someone else might. We want to have our son go to 30 days of rehab and then to a sober living situation afterward. He is an inch away from a criminal record. I feel awful about this, but as the officer said, we weren't the ones who perpetrated a crime. I hate being in this position. But, it is the right thing to do. This has been a tough day.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by grateful » Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:36 pm

I'm sorry to read of the disease's progression in your son. Hard day indeed! What I see in your share that can be a real positive for you and your husband and maybe indirectly your son is that you are both united in what you want for your son and what you are going to do about it as a couple. I also see each of you willing to stand up and say: "No!" to the disease's wily ways. I learned that the more boundaries I set and stuck to, the less crud the disease tried to pull around me or in my space. The more united I was with the fellowship, the less destructiveness was allowed by me into my life. My son is and was sick. That's true. He isn't and wasn't my enemy. But that disease - even though it isn't personal - is baffling, cunning and powerful as I'm sure you and your husband have both experienced. Good for you in standing together united with each other and against the disease's manipulations. Good for you in choosing to join the fellowship. It may not change your son or his disease. It is already changing you.
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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by Lauraleeg » Wed Mar 23, 2016 8:31 pm

New found strength, indeed. Its tough--having our ALO take the fall for the consequences of their behaviour, but if we keep rescuing/protecting/helping them--they will never learn.
Dwell in Possibility.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by hopefulNE » Thu Mar 24, 2016 12:19 am

Sorry you had a rough day.
I always had to remind myself that in active addiction, the demon is in control, not our ALO. They will lie, cheat and steal to feed the beast.
I too was upset that my AD wound up with a criminal record, but it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. (And believe me, I never thought I would say that!) The criminal justice system sentenced her to drug court, and the accountability there gave her the tools she needed to save her own life. Until that point, no matter how much a part of her wanted it, she just didn't have the self discipline to see her recovery through. So her legal troubles became the turning point for her. JFT she is C&S for 11 months... a record for her. Please don't lose hope.
You have done no wrong. I can see the strength in your post.
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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by MarieW » Thu Mar 24, 2016 12:36 am

When my son was 18 (he is 23 now) he stole most of my gold jewelry. I did not call the police. When he stole from the parents of his friends, they did. He was arrested, spent some time in jail and was put on probation. The using and stealing continued though, and a year later he stole checks from me and cashed them. That time I did call the police. It didn't matter whether I wanted to press charges or not, the DA did and my son went back to jail for a probation violation. Turns out cashing a bad check is considered burglary against the bank.

For too long, I protected my son from the consequences of his choices, starting in high school. The first time he was arrested, I paid bail, hired a lawyer, drove my son to community service and NA meetings, etc. What a waste of my time and energy. It made no difference in whether he used or went to jail. That was up to him. All it did was make my life completely unmanageable.

Once upon a time, I thought the worst thing that could happen to my son (and by association, to me) was for him to not graduate high school. Now I know that even going to jail is not the worst thing that can happened to him. It may even have saved his life.

When I found this program it changed my life. I learned to stop trying to change and "fix" my son, and to instead work on changing me.

Keep coming back.
Last edited by MarieW on Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The only wrong way to work this program is to not work it.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by nayr333 » Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:40 am

mkcf wrote:We want to have our son go to 30 days of rehab and then to a sober living situation afterward
I feel deeply for you and your husband. It has been my experience that I can want my son to go into rehab and have recovery all I want but until he surrenders and figures out what it is he needs to battle his disease it just doesn't matter.
My son has been battling this disease for over 4 years. In the beginning he lived with me, I was super involved, supportive, calling rehabs, encouraging my son on and on and on. I was exhausted.
My son has had long stents of clean and sober time and short times with many horrible relapses in between.
I have learned so much along the way.
Now, when my son shares that he is using or not using, I simply listen. It could be the truth or maybe not. It doesn't matter.
this does not mean I don't care, it just means that all I can do is to continue to take care of me and Love my son and hate the disease.
Until I stepped completely out of the way and allowed my son to face his consequences and be an adult , nothing changed.
My son and I maintain a close relationship. the only difference now is I am not attached to his disease. I am much more peaceful now.

I wish you both peace. Keep coming back!!

Nothing changes if nothing changes, Let it begin with me.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by River Rock » Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:30 am

We had to put our son out when he started
Stealing. It was during that he sought a long term
Rehab . I wish there were only long term
Rehabs, so they get more clean time, able to
Work the steps and get a sponsor. It wasnt
Instant, it took a 30 day extension,many detoxes
And a year or more run again to get him to get
Clean , he did it on his own.Left gf, got in sober
Living, and jft today clean over a year. Don't give
Up hope, but it can be a journey, that's why our
Recovery is so important for us. Meetings
Sponsor steps, changed me.
River Rock

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by lynn2015 » Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:17 pm

It took getting in trouble and spending time in jail for my son to wake up. He's 7 weeks clean today! Full-time, good job for the first time in years, drug court, sponsor, and daily meetings. Best thing that could have happened.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by ktoews » Sat Mar 26, 2016 9:55 pm

I'm sorry you are dealing with your son's resistance and using behavior (theft and lying, all part in parcel with the process). It hurts, I know.

The stealing in our home was very difficult - to think that I couldn't feel safe in my own home was a terrible thing. I was so tired of locking things up, trying to find new hiding spots, and waking in the night thinking of my son prowling around. He violated boundaries over and over again. And at one time, I continued to encourage him in spite of how badly he violated the whole works of us. We had jewellery stolen, prescription pills stolen, money taken, debit card theft, it hurts to think of. When we put a lock on our garage fridge so that we may have a beer for company or ourselves, he took a hammer to the lock. It was only when he set strong boundaries and enforced them that the theft ended. I simply couldn't take the abuse any longer, and not for him but for that I made him leave after suffering far too long. He is a visitor now, and requires an invitation to come to our home. Any hint of drinking, he's sent on his way, as my home needs to be my sanctuary.

I agonized over difficult decisions such as you are making..... In my heart I knew it was the right thing and that I couldn't continue in the same way. It wasn't helping anyone. My well-being and the rest of our family's counted too. If my A son wanted to continue in his way, we decided not to go with him. I finally reached a point that I wouldn't sit in his sinking ship.

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Re: New found strength...I think.

Post by heythere » Sun Mar 27, 2016 1:41 pm

My AS is a heroin addict. We spent years trying to protect our AS from the consequences of his actions. He stole many things from us (and probably others), never occured to us to have him arrested. We got him to go to rehab when he knew he was in real trouble over stealing from his grandma. It was a waste of our money, he stayed clean thru 30 day rehab, but left his transitional living facility after 1 week & relapsed shortly after. Many things have happened since then. He was told he could not live with us (one of the most painful things we have ever experienced), drug offenses, living on the streets, any & all things addict, but he never did any serious jail time. The longest was 5 days, I was starting to believe he had a teflon coating. ;) Until last year when he entered our home in the middle of the night, stole cash and credit cards, we were ready to prosecute him, until he was picked up in another county for a similar crime. We decided to not prosecute, if we did, with the other case, he would have been looking at 6 years state prison time & we weren't ready to go there. As it was, he got 1 year jail time, 3 years formal probation & a violent strike. He will be released in the next week. I have to say jail did him good. He has over 10 months c&s, his mind is functioning properly, he had some job training, they even gave him a list of companies that offer jobs to felons. His probation officer will (supposedly) assist him in finding housing. I found info on a reentry program for him to contact (this was not something he could do from jail) in case the housing assistance thru probation does not happen. And he sounds good, looks good and seems to be committed to staying sober. If nothing else, we were able to have some good conversations & I got to see my son, not the addict.

Never, in a million years, did I think I would ever want to see my child go to jail. But then I wasn't expecting the nightmare of having an addicted child either. But this is where my life has lead me. Difficult decisions, learning a new way to think about my relationship with him. I had to let him go, let him live his life, no matter what I thought of it, the same I would've done if he was not an addict. But I had been so consumed by fixing the problem, I lost sight of a healthy parent child relationship. It took me a long time to learn that I am powerless over AS's actions. I truly understand your pain.

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