30 Day Chip

[smd102881]

Today will be my RH's 33rd day sober. He received his 30 day chip yesterday and I am so proud of him. It has been a rough 30 days to say the least. The moodiness still lingers, which is quite difficult to deal with. I just have to bite my tongue and realize that it is the disease speaking and not his heart. I was having a hard time understanding how a grown man has no idea how to handle stress/emotions without the use of drugs. But then it rang a bell - He has been using since he was 16 off and on and from that point he never developed his emotional stability as the average person would. So therefore he only knows how to handle stress as a teenager would. He has grown into a man as the years have passed, but never really learned to cope without the use of drugs. So when he is moody and irritable I try my best to think about his emotional stability as a 16 year old and that helps me not to lash back and be more understanding. Don't get me wrong, there are times I want to say, "Look, get your big boy pants on and get over it! Life is not easy, deal with it!" But the only way he knows how to "deal with it" is through the use of drugs, so obviously, saying that would not help the situation. He seems depressed without drugs right now which breaks my heart. I want him to be happy, learn to cope and just live life to it's fullest. I have faith that he will continue to work through his issues. He is going to meetings daily and is seeing a therapist as well. He has also picked a sponsor.

On another note, I went to my first face to face meeting last week and realized that I related to everyone's story in one way or another. I found comfort in that. I think I will continue to go back for sure. I am learning a lot about myself through the stories of others on this site and in meetings. I am trying to be more honest with myself. I am giving more attention to "ME" then to my RH and his addiction which is helping me be happier as well. I am also learning to not feel guilty about wanting a break for myself away from our children. I have been trying to do too much for too long and that is no good for me or the kids. So I am taking more time for myself which in turn is allowing me to care for them better.

And that is my thoughts for the day....

[jraisbeck]

Congratulations to your RH and to you as well for attending your first f2f meeting! My AH is on his 30th day sober, so I know how you are feeling. Although my AH is in treatment so I don't need to deal with his moodiness every single day, he has had 20 months of sobriety before so I know what you are going through. Finding this program at this time, when our AH's are new in recovery is good for us, I believe. My AH also started using at an early age. I didn't think about it before coming to this program, that his brain had stopped maturing when he started using. It makes so many things he has said & done become so much more clear once truly understanding the effects the drugs have had on him & his maturing into the man he is now. I can look at my 13 y/o and see so many similarities in the way they deal with things when they are stressed, angry, hurt, etc. Withdrawing, name calling, sulking, blame-shifting~it all makes sense now!!!

Taking time for yourself is a MUST! I am also an over-doer...everything needs to be done on MY time. Heaven forbid I leave the house from being dusted, dishes left to be washed in the sink or a dirty bathroom! I used to think these things were important Now that I am forced to truly take care of my kids alone for a time, I am starting to slowly see that these things are not that important...they can wait...and they will wait because I only have 24 hours in a day and it is time to take some of those hours to take care of me. This program is a life saver. Progress not perfection....one day at a time.

[Lyra]

Jen: I have an idea, make your kids do the chores;) When I was 13 I was working full time with my 11 year old brother we handled all the laundry dishes some of the cooking and worked on the farm in addition to four hours of homeschooling every afternoon. Set those kids to work! Then praise them when they do their job. Its nice to feel like a responsible contributing member of a household-and it helps avoid a sense of entitlement. Once they actually grow up, they will be better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of life.

I know. Thats an opinion and we arent supposed to share opinions. Let me rephrase it: for me, my upbringing where I had a lot of responsibilities around the home helped me feel like an important and contributing member of the household. I did not have a sense of entitlement, I learned that you work for what you get and that there is value in responsibility. While my upbringing was far from perfect, having all those chores was definitely a good thing. I learned a lot of skills, and I had pride in my work long before I even started highschool. And on my parents end, they got a lot of help and didnt have to work so hard. After all, they already had to raise us, once we were old enough it was time for us to contribute to the family as well.

[jraisbeck]

Lyra,

I appreciate your "opinion" actually My boys already do chores, not enough though to be quite honest with you. There are jobs I no longer need to take care of because they do them (garbage, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the kitchen floor once a week, cleaning their bathroom downstairs--ewwww, taking care of our lizard, etc). The letter from my AH I got today also stated the same to the kids, they should help with more chores while he is gone. Maybe my HP is trying to tell me something.....It may be time for a lesson in laundry 101 at our home soon If I can teach my AH how to do it, I can teach my 10 & 13 y/o how to do it too! Up until this point I haven't wanted to force too much extra work on them..thinking they might resent my AH somehow that they need to pick up his slack while he is gone. However, since I had planned on teaching them these skills anyways no time like the present!

[Marianne]

Congratulations to your Husband.

On another note, I went to my first face to face meeting last week and realized that I related to everyone's story in one way or another. I found comfort in that. I think I will continue to go back for sure. I am learning a lot about myself through the stories of others on this site and in meetings. I am trying to be more honest with myself. I am giving more attention to "ME" then to my RH and his addiction which is helping me be happier as well. I am also learning to not feel guilty about wanting a break for myself away from our children. I have been trying to do too much for too long and that is no good for me or the kids. So I am taking more time for myself which in turn is allowing me to care for them better.

That is awesome you went to your first F2F meeting and you are taking care of yourself. I also found comfort when I went to my first meeting and look forward to going to them now.

Marianne

[kathyf]

Congrats to your hub! What chip are you celebrating?

Love
Kathy

[drinkingwater]

Addicts didn't become addicts overnight so those crummy addict behaviors don't go away overnight! They can last as long as a couple of years! I found that as long as I was focusing on my addict's amount of clean time, I wasn't paying enough attention to my own. I wad glad that I didn't know my addict's "sober birthday" because it kept me from keeping track of his business and avoiding my own.

I'm looking forward to hearing more about your second, third and fourth f2f meetings... Keep coming back!

::hugs::
Lindsey

[Cheryl]

Congrats to both of you!!!! Recovery is a lot of hard work but it can be done. It sounds like you have a good understanding for "addict behavior" which really helped me with the process of separating my son (the person) from the addiction (the disease). Usually, it takes about a year for the brain to heal and, sure enough, I saw a tremendous amount of change in his mood and attitude after the one year mark. My son also in the last 22 months has had a couple of relapses but it did not turn into collapse. I stay out of his recovery and just focus on mine!

Cheryl

[Jac214]

Even though my RBF (yay, just remembered the recovering code!) has had his ups and downs, when we come through the down, I notice more strength. This past month, he has been working hard not only changing his attitude about things, but also how he and I communicate with each other. I think we had our first "normal' couple argument this evening and wow, it's actually refreshing.

It is a huge realization when you realize that your significant other or loved one really truly has no other coping strategies but drugs or alcohol. I'm finally coming to terms with that myself. That being said, the further we get, the more skills he is developing. Slowly but surely, day by day. Now I need to get myself to a face to face meeting. He is actually at AA now and actually likes the meetings.