Need to release somewhere..

[Brandi2010]

I can't understand how an addict can make you feel so weak, so unlike your true self. Years ago I would have walked away, left him in the dust, yet now I am having a hard time even talking to my fiancé. This is my second post and already I feel better having people who understand my situation. Everyone does not have exactly the same thing going on, but life with any addict leads to the same problems. I find it hard to talk to my maternal grandparents. They were at one time alcoholics and deny their use. My mother died from the disease, my grandma almost died from lack of sodium due to drinking, and it is very hush hush, off limit talk for everyone. My grandparents and a few other family members live close by me and are very judgmental and do not see things from anyone's view but their own. My father is in fl, I am in ny, and is suffering from a debilitating illness. He has been my rock my whole life, never an addict yet gets it because of my mom. I can't bear to tell him how bad things have gotten. He is too sick. He tried for many years to change my mother, then made her leave to save us from her. So basically I broke my family's cycle of addiction.. My great grandmother, grandmother, then mother, but not me. So what do I do? Have kids with an addict. Ok, maybe There wasent a problem before the kids were born, but I can't help feeling guilty. I will not leave it up to my children to break the cycle of addiction. Why why why, I dealt with addiction my whole life, not by choice.. Why my fiance? So why do I stay, why can't I leave. I feel like I have no power left. The games, lies, and heartbreak have broken me. How can the person that is so sick be this controlling over me? I watched him have muscle spasms all night long due to no more money to buy pills. He was withdrawing. He calls from work today letting me know he was going to his moms after work for the night to detox. He was sick at work and having blood come from places it shouldn't. He refuses treatment but says he's done. This i do not believe, I am not stupid. So now I haven't heard from him in 7 hrs and can't get ahold of anyone, not even his mom. His brothers went over to his moms too, they are all addicts as well. I wonder if he's ok, or if he's doing something wrong, but for once I am not angry.. I am sad it has come to this. I fear not supporting him will kill him, but he is killing me now.. He is damaging our children.. This should be an easy choice, but it's not. I need to be healthy again, need to make sense of all this. Sorry for the long post. I love how this wonderful group of people can be supportive, yet unjudgemental.. The last thing I need is for someone to tell me how dumb I am for dealing with this. Thank you everyone....

[river rock]

you arent dumb, you love an addict, as we all do.
If you dont have a f2f meeting, we have meetings on
here every night. as you well know there is no quick
answer. We only have control over ourselves. we do
have choices though, but noone can tell us what to do.
I came here and found a wealth of info and started working
on my weak spots. I have more self esteem and strength
than ever , and use this program in all areas of my life. Hope
you keep comig and reading and learning. You are worth it.
Love ya
River rock

[DRM]

Brandi,

I haven't been a member for very long. My first few posts sounded similar to yours. It's amazing how this family holds each other up, always listens, and provides a safe place to unload. It was even more amazing to me at how very silently my healing began without me being aware. Hearing the stories, sharing mine, reading materials, and meetings. I bet if tried I really really hard not to heal it would be impossible here. Making changes in my life is very hard. Taking care of me is very hard. Learning to take baby steps to improve and being willing to forgive myself and let go of guilt is all hard work. I couldn't imagine being on this journey alone. We welcome you and you are no longer alone. Let the healing begin!

Dawna

[Forgive1]

I hope you have heard from your ALO by now.
I know how heart wrenching it can be not knowing if they are OK or not.
I am the child of an alcoholic, my mother also.
I am happy to say that she went to a 12 step program and never abused alcohol again.
So there is hope.
I started coming to this forum in March.
My son was deep into heroin addiction.
He went to a recovery center for 28 days in April.
There he detoxed and started to learn about the program.
It has been a rough road for him and all of us who love him.
You can read all about it in my posts.
Just for today, he is working, is sober, is going to meetings.
I too, go to face to face meetings and am working to find peace and serenity in my life.
I hope you keep coming back.
You will find so much support and love here that it will amaze you.
Let go, let God,
Heidi

[Melanie40]

I understand. You are not alone. (((hugs)))
Melanie

[Goterps]

Hi Brandi,
I'm so glad that you have kept coming back here! We are Family! I feel the same way that you do--a Family here that doesn't judge--wow! Not my experience with my Bio family!

You certainly are not dumb!
We all love addicts here, mine is my AD. None of us have asked for addiction to come into our lives and as you pointed out--we all may have different stories to tell but we are on the same journey to recovery.
For me--my AD is 22, chronic relapser and jft, is in her 5th rehab. This time, I have learned NOT to project and that is thanks to my dediaction to MY recovery --with the help of this life saving family here who loves me even when I fall out of my hula hoop! Unconditional love and support here-- always....

I love what Dawna said:
"I bet if tried I really really hard not to heal it would be impossible here. Making changes in my life is very hard. Taking care of me is very hard. Learning to take baby steps to improve and being willing to forgive myself and let go of guilt is all hard work. I couldn't imagine being on this journey alone. We welcome you and you are no longer alone. Let the healing begin! "

Keep coming back!
Nancy
xoxo

[hope4today]

Hi Brandi.....So glad you took the only advice we give.....Keep Coming Back!!!!! If you can, join the online meeting tonight at 9. Click the icon in the top right corner. The topic is....FOG. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. We all go through it and have learned to strengthen ourselves by the ESH of others.

I am sad it has come to this. I fear not supporting him will kill him, but he is killing me now.. He is damaging our children.. This should be an easy choice, but it's not. I need to be healthy again, need to make sense of all this.

Sadness was part of my grieving process, along with anger, resentment, etc. It is never an easy choice how to deal with the chaos of addiction. But once I got stronger, the load lessened, I learned to trust my instincts, and do what was best for ME for a change. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Let it Begin with ME......May you find strength, courage, and peace, just for today.