I am amazed at the progress that I have made being in recovery and also amazed at how I can "forget" and fall back into old ways of behaving and acting
My ABF had been in bed for a week now, crashing, manic depression, I'm not sure what the diagnosis is....and in the meantime, I have stayed out of despair, I have not told him what he should be doing, I haven't become the persecutor and been mean and awful to him, I see the disease as separate from the person...so I haven't been taking it all personally.
He has a chunk of money owed to him and he won't go collect it, and he had wrecked my car by blowing a tire, so now they are calling me about parts he ordered, I haven't said anything about it.
His parole officer had a discussion with me due to my ABF's request, I probably should have said it's not my business but anyway....his p.o. says he is not in compliance, doesn't pay his 30 bucks a month, hasn't had a drug screening or interview or evaluation or something or another and hasn't gone to voc rehab, also, my ABF isnt supposed to be driving, no license. But I allow him to use my car and he goes all over except to where his p.o. wants.
So my ABF doesn't want recovery, my part that I am not detaching with is....I think he is mentally ill and I should step in and help and tell him to do what his p.o. wants or he will go to jail....that is managing, I realize but I don't think my ABF is capable of thinking straight.....i don't know...this all sounds funny and like denial as I am typing it but.....
So my ABF's idea is to go to Long Beach in Cal, we live in Reno, because he had a doc there who prescribed a drug similar to meth that tests the same as meth so he could keep using and not come up with dirty tests..... I was ready to drive him there so I guess I am not so detached after all
I am an ENABLER and as sick as he is still.......I have been doing meetings, sponsor, steps and am still screwy....
His niece says tell the truth and tell him to find a doc in reno, I don't know if i should say this or not but anyway...I am taking away his dignity and causing misery and making it easy for him to keep using....I have said I don't want to live with active addiction but big deal,,,,I haven't set a boundary or done anything about it.
So anyway, here I am...a little better but still not very...