I miss my AH when he is gone, but when he is home and high it is so, so hard to witness. He isn't here. The physical body is present, but his mind is not. It is difficult to watch his body waste away. The distant look in his eyes. His mind fall short. His reasoning, faulty. All the responsibility I have to carry and I just want to throw it on him, I want to fight!!! To have some response from him. Well this program and my prayers are helping. I am learning not to engage in the "talk"... my talk, not his.
I have had the "serious" talks: the "things are starting to snowball" , the "the drug use is really escalating" , "I feel so alone", "I feel like you don't love me, that we aren't doing anything as a family" , "the money is being squanered", "I am afraid you are going to get sick and it will be financially devastating" .... my talks have done no good.
He is high all the time, and I haven't seen my clean husband in months. I am physically tired because he is up all night. I have tried to stay awake, I have tried to sleep but I am exhausted.
I know it is not about me, or love. I need to stay focused on being busy. To accept what I cannot change. To keep moving forward through this fog. To accept my dreams are dying. To try and figure out another plan. Not to be caught up in worry. In regret. In sadness. To detatch from a spouse seems almost impossible. It is like a strain of saddness winding through my life.....
I do have a lot to be thankful for: I live in the most beautiful place. My basic needs are met. I am happy a lot of the time. I must focus on the good.
"God causes all things to work together for good"