It was a gift in so many ways. I don't even know where to begin. When my daughter moved out she walked away not just from me but from most of those who were in our life. One happened to be a woman and her daughter with whom she had been very close. This woman has been instrumental in giving my daughter support and encouragement in her life, including basketball. Since Miranda left she has not spoken to her or her daughter, who is the same age and plays basketball with her. There was an incident that occurred (teenage drama girl crap) and it caused a rift. My daughter's dad encourages the rift and feeds into it. That's how he rolls. He remains in his "teenager" and likes to be one of the gang. The rift involved several girls on the team and the team has been very uncohesive and they have not been able to come together as a team. Lines were drawn in the sand.
My daughter loves to play basketball. These past two months she has been walking on the edge of choices and enjoying her new found freedom of living with her dad. Yesterday she announced she wouldn't be attending basketball camp at Gonzaga with the team. The coaches were not happy and the mom (otherwise known as team mom) was concerned that it would impact her playing next year (and it will). In the past I would have lectured and attempted to force her to change her mind. Instead, I told her the coaches were disappointed. She asked how I knew this and I told her the team mom told me. She blew that off, saying, "I don't believe anything she says." I kept my mouth shut. It is what it is and I am powerless. It is none of my business to be involved in the relationship issues of others. I do not have to try to fix anything.It's not my job.
I have been good friends with this team mom. I am aware my daughter has had nothing to do with her. When I got to the game, I chose to sit with her and It was great to see her and root for the kids together. In the past I would have struggled with that, wanting my daughter to "like" me in the hopes that she would return home so I wouldn't have sat with her. I realized that it is important to do what I want regardless of what others think of me. When team mom went to buy her daughter a water I asked her to grab one for my daughter and another girl (the rift is between her daughter, my daughter, and the other girl). She ran over to the bench and handed my daughter the waters. My daughter was surprised. After the game (we lost) some of us were standing around coordinating getting to the next game and my daughter walked up and put her arm around team mom. This is the first contact they've had since my daughter moved out. It made my heart feel good. It's a start.
We headed to the next game. As we were sitting and waiting for the other game to end the coach came up and asked my daughter to come and talk with him for a few minutes. Again, I stayed out of it. None of my business. Patience. Let it play itself out. I am powerless. Just enjoy the day for what it is. Do not try to force the outcome. When my daughter returned, I did not ask, "What did he say?" Keep your mouth shut, Kathy. For once, just keep your mouth shut! lol! A lot of dynamics were going on and I did not have to join in. I only had to be there and yell, "Go team!"
The game began. Tough game, neck to neck scoring. Point for point. Tie game at the buzzer. Overtime. Neck to neck scoring. Tie game at the buzzer. Double overtime. Neck to neck scoring. Tie game at the buzzer. Sudden death playoff. The crowd was going wild! We were all standing up and cheering on our team. The team was going wild, cheering on each other and working together as a team...for the first time this season. We got the ball, foul shots - missed them both. They got the ball, foul shots - they missed them both. Back to us - we missed our foul shots - they got the ball, they missed their foul shots. We got the ball again - oh, how everyone was yelling. Foul. The crowd went silent. Swish. We won the game by one point. Oh, the cheering, the comaraderie, the cohesiveness, the laughter, the smiles, the hugs. It was a Kodak moment! haha I was able to witness a lot of healing, which was beautiful to me.
So, I loaded up my car with 4 of the basketball players and it was so much fun. They were playing music and all singing and then when a song came on that I knew (yes, I do know some raps songs - I have kids, for God's sake) and I joined in with the "must be the money" the girls were hysterical - they thought that was so cool and funny. Then my daughter said, "I'm going to go to Gonzaga with the team. Coach says he wants to see what I can do on the court with a different group of people and it's important for me to play next year." I just smiled and said, "That makes sense."
I was never so glad to drop my daughter and those girls off at her dad's. Twelve hours spent at a gym, other than taking them out to get lunch between games, exhausted me. It was an emotional day, a healing day, a day to practice all I've learned in Nar-Anon. I did have a moment of sadness when I dropped them off, though, but it passed because I chose to just feel the feeling and move on. It is what it is. The story isn't over. It's not the end. There is another game today but my daughter won't be playing due to an injury yesterday. I chose not to go. I'm proud of this choice because yesterday was enough for me. I want to enjoy the memory and not attempt to recreate it today. My ex will be there today and I have come to realize that I really don't want contact with him. He's not healthy - he is an unrecovered addict. He is not someone who is healthy for me to interact with. His interactions with the girls and also with my daughter, are not healthy but how do I know what their HP's have in store for them? It's not for me to say. I can only take care of myself and make changes and choices that are good for me.
I choose to believe that my presence yesterday was meaningful. That it was a part of the beginning of healing for many. I believe my HP was at work. I believe I was a strong presence yesterday and I believe it was seen by many - the coaches, my team mom friend, other parents, the girls. I received many affirmations by simply being who I am. I felt the love. I used to want to tell everyone how eff'd up my ex is so it would be blah, blah, blah this and blah, blah, blah that. He's so blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I removed him from my mind and focused on me.
Acceptance, patience, letting go.
It's there for the taking.