Need to Unload Some Feelings Please

[snow23]

Thank you to the person on here that sent me (for free ) Naranon literature, I have begun to read it and I, of course, know that I am not alone.

What I am feeling so sad about today is grieving my marriage. My AH just does not seem able or willing to save our marriage by working his program and getting counseling. He has an excuse, blame, or lie, as it suits his agenda, for everything.

I told my AH this morning that I am so afraid that by the time he works his program, etc.. that it will be too late for us. He got up, looked at my ring finger (which is absent my ring until he treats me with respect on a DAILY basis, not just every once in a while) and he said "It's already over."

I want to SCREAM at him "Why are we (his child and I) not enough for you?" He has the "whole package," but he seems to want his addict life more. This cuts like a knife. I've never felt so rejected.

[carpediem]

Snow,

Yes, it hurts like hell when addicts choose their addictions over family, friends, homes, jobs, "normal" life, but it happens constantly, every day, over and over and over, as I am sure you can see from all the folks who are posting, and all the newcomers we see, day after day. It's a very, very sad fact and I am sorry you are going through this right now. Grieving is a totally normal part of the process. It took me such a long time to accept that yes, my marriage was falling apart and yes, my husband wasn't going to do anything to stop that. But yes, addicts destroy because they can't imagine a way not to keep using. "It not a matter of love, but addiction," says the Blue Book. I have found that to be true.

My addict was not in a place where he was ready to change himself, but I came here and stayed because I needed to find a better way of life. Taking off my ring didn't change a thing, but it did send a message -- that I wasn't really "in" it anymore. Not exactly an incentive to the other guy. I realize now that I didn't mean what I was saying with that message. I was just desperate, flailing away and miserably trying to make my husband change. It didn't work. The only thing that worked was putting the focus back on myself and my recovery.

Keep coming back.

[drinkingwater]

Hey Snow,
I can't imagine how sad and angry you must feel. I promise you, his addiction has nothing to do with you. Even though I know it feels very personal but addiction is NOT personal. It's not about you and your child. We, as family members, will always take a back seat. We will take a back seat to the addiction. If they enter recovery, we will take a back seat to their recovery. With an addict, we cannot be #1. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.

I cannot base my happiness or my own self worth on a drug addict. Their brains are damaged and they will never act like a rational person as long as they are actively using. Expecting them to act like "normal" people is only going to lead to disappointment.

Meetings. Sponsor. Steps. You can feel better and have more peace.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[DianeB]

I understand those painful feelings
of rejection. Even though I heard the
words here a million times it took me
a long time to really understand that
it wasn't about me. It wasn't about love.

It is an illness. It is a disease.

Still the sting of words can be so very
painful. It is very hard to remember that
it is addiction talking and protecting itself.

Even knowing this doesn't make that initial
sting any less. Eventually I can put my program
to work....meetings, talking to my sponsor and
my fellowship and I could accept that it wasn't
about me. But that sting still hurt.

Living with active addiction is not something
I could handle. I could not find my peace in
it's midst. I had to distance myself to heal.


Hugs......

[Cheryl]

Dear Snow,

When my son was in active addiction, he often said mean and hurtful things. And I was told, "Dont personalize it.". And I just wanted to scream back, "But I'm a person." The words hurt, but no matter how hurt I was, I realized that my son hated himself more. For us to heal, I had to step aside while he was in treatment and let him deal with his own feelings and without the guilt that he was hurting me.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I wish that I could just give you a big hug. Take care of you.

Cheryl

[Wifey]

Ah Snow...Maybe at this point he just feels he can't beat the addiction. When someone's depressed, it's not uncommon to just give up on themself and addicts have reason to be depressed. It's a lifelong struggle against a powerful opponent. My AH had just decided programs didn't work after relapse and periods of abstinence. He told me he would always use so get over it. I had told him I couldn't live with the using and problems it caused. I had to be the one to walk away. If he hadn't gotten physically abusive and if I hadn't found naranon, I would probably still be a mess today. I had to accept that it is what it is and I had to be the one to make changes happen. There are no easy answers and everything involves taking a chance without knowing the outcome but I got to the point that something just had to change....it had to be me.

[jac]

"We have found that compulsive use of drugs does not indicate lack of
affection for the family. It is not a matter of love but of illness." Nar-Anon Blue Booklet

Once I truly accepted this, I was able to see more clearly the path I needed to
take to help myself.

Prayers for peace for you and your family.

With love,
jac

[pabrown]

Snow, I am sorry for your pain. I was married to an addict many years ago,
14 to be exact. I could write many of the things you speak of, I endured
so much in that 14 yrs. It literally took everything out of me. I was an
inconvience to him and he reminded me of it daily. I was inthe way of the
life he had chosen, I was just baggage to him. I didn't know of this
program and tried and tried to be the glue that held our family together.
In my darkest days I prayed for something to give me strength to make
the right choices for my children and myself. That answer came, when I
was ready to hear it. When I made the choice to leave I never looked back.
My AH never changed his ways.

In your own time, when you are ready it will be clear to you...Not one moment
sooner.

(((((Hugs)))))
Patsy

[Roxers2011]

My boyfriend (who is currently in rehab) shared with me today that in the weeks (months?) leading up to him actually going to rehab, he had lost hope of ever getting better. By HP's grace, after a whirlwind series of binges, he did agree to go to rehab and now tells me that he has hope again.

If one of those pieces of literature that were gifted to you was the Blue Booklet, check out the "About Addiction" part. As others have already quoted, "It is not a matter of love, but of illness." Understanding this helped me to understand how my boyfriend continued to hurt me time and again (that it had nothing to do with whether he loved me or not) - and to understand how I would never be enough to make him get sober. He had to want it for himself - from AA, "that no human power could have relieved our alcoholism, but God (HP) could and would if he were sought."

[Linda (lsv)]

Hi Snow,

Grief is painful; it is a long process...at least it is for me. My alo is my son....I have grieved over the loss of MY dreams for him. I still grieve sometimes. I just know now that he has to live his own life. Love was never the issue; I love him and he loves me. My love was not enough to stop him from using. He only stopped (and started) when he chose to so.

I am now grieving the loss of my 30+ year marriage. The divorce took almost 2 years and was recently finalized. He chose another person after all these years. I do not really understand it...I just have to accept it. Without my program, I am fairly certain I would have lost my mind. This program has saved me over and over from myself. My self-will has always been a problem for me. I am learning to give my will my life over to my higher power one day at a time. I really do not understand why I am where I am...I just have faith that it is exactly where I am supposed to be.

With that all said, there has been alot of pain along the way. The wonderful thing is that I did not, and do not, have to do it alone. This family is always here...always. The only thing that I found to help me has been...meetings, sponsor, and step work. When I drift a bit away from my program, I really feel it...I need this program. We all need each other. One day...one step at a time I continue to recover. I am so sorry for your pain. Please keep coming back...this program works if you work it...and you are worth it.

Love,
Linda

[Aggie]

I must confess I feel some sadness when I see the comments about Love and Addiction.
When my AH returned from rehab, he refused to work on our marriage, left our home, refused communication, and continued his job. He gets drug tested so I assume he's clean. He got married and continued on a new path. He never expressed sorrow or regret for the loss of a 30+ year marriage. So was this a "success story"? It just doesn't seem like it from where I'm standing. I try to be grateful that he is alive, working, and able to be a father to our young adult children but I must confess to having a pity party every now and then.
Just keep saying the Serenity Prayer when grief hits out of the blue
Aggie

[kathyf]

Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words always hurt.

Lots of truth in that statement for me. I'm sorry you are experiencing the hurtful words of another. Even when I understand why someone is being hurtful, it doesn't lessen the sting of the words. I think of it when I look back at the sting of some of my words to those I love. But, it does get easier for me as I work the Nar-Anon program.

Keep coming back!

Love,
Kathy

[twcherrywoman]

I have been where you are - I spent five years where you are - filled with guilt and blame and shame for a failing marriage and what was I going to tell my 3 small children and how would i support them, etc. If I can say one thing to you only - Once you became a mother, anything else you are life is secondary. You have to protect, you have to teach what is acceptable behavior, and your child will learn that you were a strong enough mother to endure. You will be the one there for them - your husband is the one whose loss it will be - your energy has to be focused on you and your child FIRST - your husband is grown and selfish and cares little for either of you if he would subject his family to such. What are you willing to subject YOUR family (that's your child only - blood) to. And if you don't support yourself how can you be the best mother you can be.......by taking a stand and someday whether you are broke without a nickle your child will be PROUD of how strong their mother is and overcome their obstacles in life. Your husband will be there or he won't be - bottom line - you will always be there as your childs mother and the fact that you are pulling your hair out, questioning everything, and seeking a ear to listen ....... means you are a good mom and you are walking the path to healing. Keep up the good work and you are not alone - EVER

P.S. I ultimately got out just 3 months ago and his life is still spiraling but I've never slept better and have no clue what is going to happen in my life......but for the first time in 17 YEARS I am "living" MY life instead of worrying about HIS.

[Lyra]

I am not married to my ALO. July 9 we will have been in a relationship for 2 years. But we were/are in a serious relationship. Before his latest relapse, we had made it clear to each other that we wanted to spend our lives together. That eventually we wanted to get married. I love my ALO very much. When he relapsed (for the second time since I found out about his addiction) I was very upset. I felt like all the things he had said about wanting to be with me forever, etc were a lie. That he had chosen crack over me. That he had decided to end our relationship because he knew that it wouldnt work if he was using.

Then I joined NarAnon and over time I came not just to read but to understand and feel the truth of that little blue book statement, that it is not a matter of love but of illness and that the compulsive using of drugs by my ALO does not mean he does not love me. Mind you, the drug causes attitudes and behaviors which make it feel like I do not exist in a relationship. I realized that as long as he is using actively, I am not "really" in a real partnership anymore. That the drug drives such a wedge between us that we cannot have a life partnership while he is on it.

But I also realized that telling him he didnt care about me and that he had "chosen" crack over me, that he didnt love me or he would stay in recovery, that this wasnt true. Saying those things or doing things to punish him for his relapse just made our relationship worse, did not change anything, hurt him and hurt me. Now I set boundaries for ME about his behaviors: I wont tolerate certain behaviors towards me-if he is rude or threatening or cussing I walk away. I will not tolerate drugs in my home. I will not be around him while he is high or coming down off of crack. I will not lend him or front him money.

I treat my ALO with respect but I know I cannot trust him as I would like to, because he is in active addiction and part of the side effects of that is that he will lie and manipulate to get money, to get drugs, to get time to go use drugs, to hide his drug use even when I already know, etc.

But I have found that any action I take I need to think about what I am trying to do. Am I trying to MAKE my alo do something? If so, thats attempting to control the uncontrollable. I need to focus on controlling, changing, and caring for ME because I cant change him. The more I pressured him the worse it went. When I finally stepped away and started focusing on my recovery and not on my ALO, the better I got at doing this, the happier I was and now, suddenly, he is cutting down on his drug use and wanting to spend sober time with me which is lovely. I dont think that would have happened if I had continued to try to control him by telling him things and by taking actions meant to punish him for relapsing. And I know I wasnt able to understand, let go, and focus on ME until I started working this program. Its great that you are here-and I guarantee you, it works if you work it. Meetings, sponsor, steps. It really does work. It just takes time, and you arent required to make any decisions right now, so be gentle with yourself, take it a day at a time, read the literature, come to meetings, baby steps:). I know this hurts. I have had my ALO say some very hurtful things to me too. Hugs to you Snow!