First of all, this is exactly where you need to be right now, believe it or not. Posting away? Go for it. Feeling lonely? Hit that hard, too.
When I came here, I was posting my little fingers off, every day, sometimes two or three posts a day. It was such a relief, finding people who got it and understood so much of what I had been living through. My own private slice of hell didn't feel so lonely anymore. Of course, having to face the fact that I'd been lied to since day 1 by my addict, and I mean from our first date on, was very hard for me to accept.
How did I not see? How could I be so stupid? How could I be taken in by such an obvious liar? How could my life go on knowing that I had screwed up so badly? I had a really hard time with all of that - and I still do, sometimes. I beat myself up constantly. Sometimes I still do.
Here's what helped:
Step 1 -- I am powerless over addiction. I am powerless over my addicted loved ones -- I had to admit my life had become unmanageable. Addicts are pretty good liars. They get over on lots of people -- friends, family, lovers, employers, police officers, etc. I am a good, trusting person. I want to believe there's good in everyone. But was I too trusting? Yes. Does that make me a bad person? No. But did I have to face reality about my ex? Was he a liar? Yup. That wasn't about me. That was about HIM.
Being powerless over his part of the equation, and recognizing that only a Higher Power (for me, my face-to-face group and Nar-anon friends) could restore me to sanity, came as a relief. That's step 2. I liked the idea of getting my sanity back.
Step 3: Turning my will and my life over to the care of that same Higher Power was very freeing for me, too. I had to let go of the rope and not try to control my ex-AH anymore. I had to take care of me and trust that my HP was going to guide me out of this mess. I certainly had proof that my HP was speaking to me through the voices of my fellowship here. I was getting some solid guidance and understanding that I had really lacked. I had plenty of proof that my own attempts to control things hadn't worked. I totally sucked at it. Letting go WORKED. It actually changed things for the better for me.
Of course, I hated all of it. I was suffering my little hiney off -- as I struggled to really let go of my ex-AH. Someone here said, "Pain is required but suffering is optional." I realized that I signed up and "volunteered" for a lot of the suffering. And, as I did that over and over, I was right where I needed to be in order to move forward in my life. Sometimes, I needed a lot of pain to motivate me to let go and move forward.
Sometimes, I needed to reach out and ask for help. Sometimes I had to listen and wait for answers. And sometimes, to learn how to get quiet and patient and listen, I needed to be lonely. I needed to be able to sit there with that loneliness, which was something I had never done before. Getting lonely was VERY scary to me. In the past, my fear of being alone had always scared me into doing things I shouldn't do, things that compromised me as a person, just to avoid loneliness.
My sponsor challenged me to be lonely - and true to form, it scared the daylights out of me. But -- surprise!-- it didn't kill me. It came, and then it went. Each time I let it come and sat with it, it came and went. And each time, it hurt a little less. Facing my fear has never killed me. It has taught me things, it made me stronger and it ultimately is something I have learned to enjoy.
Get the Blue Book and do a little reading. The whole program is right there, and a very smart man told me to read it every day when I first came here. He was so right. Here's my favorite part:
Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.
"Enlightened ones only show us the way. We have to do our own work." --The Two-Year-Old Yoga Teacher.