Is he using?

[Giggles15]

Hello all:

I am new to this ALO. He moved in with me a week ago. He stayed one night & left to work out of town. We have been getting along great....we always do. He calls on a regular basis and checks in when we are not together. We have great communication when he is not using. He stopped calling 4 days ago. His best friend and I stay in touch with each other because we both feel he is using. His bf and I talk on the phone daily checking in about my ALO. The rules of him moving in was no lying, cheating or using. He is to start NA and we are going to go to church. He wants to start his life over. His old habits of leaving and using landed him divorced after 19 yrs. He has told everyone that he is going to change his life. I feel him being out of town working is the best place for him to use right now. He lived alone before and was able to use in his camper. He had all kinds of bad influences constantly showing up there. He rented out his RV and moved in with me. I told him he needed to let all the bad influences in his life go. He has really been doing good and trying. I am feeling like he thinks this is his last time to use before he has to take control of this situation. He has no money but I gave him my credit card for gas & parts for his truck, it has been breaking down a lot. He is going to work everyday. He asked me to wire him some cash so I sent him $200 for lunches and what not. He has not spoken to me since to get the confirmation # so he can get the cash. I sent him a text last night and tried calling several times no response. When I did last talk to him he called me twice that day and the conversation was very short. He and I can talk on the phone for 30 minutes to an hour when we talk. If he doesn't check in with me he has been checking in with his bf but he mentioned the same thing ALO is real short with him. His bf keeps telling me we need to get him back here so we can keep an eye on him. I sent him a text around 8:30PM stating that if I didn't here from him by 9:30PM I was going to report him missing. He doesn't respond back to me but texts his bf and said to tell me he was working and he would be home tonight. Really he couldn't text me. I honestly have to say when he is using he doesn't bring it around me and I am realizing (all this is new to me) it's not another woman he is with, but that he is using and doesn't have anything to do with me when he is. I told him I was thankful for that. I am the only person he has been totally honest with in what he is using. I know when he gets back he has to start NA. I don't want a man that I have to babysit. Not sure what to do. I just come to realize by listening in meetings and reading posts, what is really going on & how he hides when he is using. This so freaks me out.

[DianeB]

The rules of him moving in was no lying, cheating or using.

Those are good boundaries....what are the consequences if he doesn't
follow those boundaries.

Setting rules for another adult to follow didn't work so well for me because
they were going to do what they do anyway.

Setting boundaries to protect me....I will not tolerate anyone in my home who
is using..If you do, you must leave. That protects me from having addiction in
my home.

I don't want a man that I have to babysit.

Can you let go and not babysit??

Recovery is an individual path. I found that focusing on my own recovery allowed
me to take care of those things I could change....ME and let the others go.

Hugs....

[drinkingwater]

Hey Giggles,
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and has plenty of money and credit cards that some nice person gave him in its pocket... then it's probably a duck.

::Hugs::
Lindsey

[carpediem1]

I wish someone had told me to "Run, don't walk to the nearest fire exit" when I discovered all my ex-AH's weird behavior.
But I'm not sure I would have listened. After all, I had a young child at home and was dependent on him financially, not to mention emotionally.

Since that marriage ended, though, I started to think I was some sort of addict-magnet. What I came to understand though is that addicts are all over the place. Having lived with two (my ex's son was also an addict) I know their insane behavior is too much for me. I constantly felt abandoned, disrespected and manipulated. Knowing what I know now, I would never sign up for another relationship with an addict, active or not. Just my experience, and my two cents.

Sobriety is the new sexy. Words to live by, IMHO.

[Martha]

I am sorry you are going through this.....
I can tell you, from my own experience........
If my gut told me he was using, he was......
My problem was that I did not follow through....
or at first, because I honestly knew NOTHING
about addiction.....then I became addicted to having him
in my life and living off those brief visits from the wonderful
man I married until I finally got to the point of realizing
that no matter what potential I saw in him.....
it did not make that potential come to light, it wasn't making
it there day in and day out and it may never do that......
My AH went through an inhouse rehab, promised over the
years to go to NA and AA and guess what....none of it
ever stuck................ he did not reach his bottom.....
After being together for 22 years I finally threw in the towel,
decided I was better than how I was being treated and my
kids, OUR kids, deserved better in their lives than what they
have had to go through......

Cyber Hugs and God Bless,
Martha

[Melissa]

HI Giggles...


You worte~~~

His bf keeps telling me we need to get him back here so we can keep an eye on him.

Our Nar-Anon little Blue booklet states the following:

The Family (p 4, 3rd paragraph)

The obsession of the family becomes apparnet when we try to control the addict's using. We become detectives and search the premises and his personal belongings for drugs and drug-related items. We become obsessed with where the addict is, what he is doing, and how we can control his using. We want to believe that the problem has solved itself even when our gut feeling tells us that this is not so. We pretend and begin to belive the addict's promises, but we are uneasy because common sense tells us there is something wrong. We become victims of denial.

I have discovered that "keeping and eye" on my ALO--my son--never worked. Even if I hired a bodyguard, he'd find ways to use. Trying to wrap my son in bubble wrap to protect him from his "friends" and all-things-addict was to no avail. Nothing will stop an addict's using until he/she determines that the pain of using is greater than the pain of not using.

What to do? Perhaps you can take the friend with you to a local Nar-Anon meeting.

The Nar-Anon Family Group is primarliy for you who know or have known a feeling of desperation concerning the addiction problem of someone very near to you. We ave found the answere with serenity and peace of mind. ( from Newcomer's Welcome Nar-Anon Blue booklet, p3)

Keep coming back! This program works if you work it. HONEST!!

(((ugs)))

[Gerilyn]

Hi and Welcome. I read your post and feel your anxiety. But, as the others pointed out, you cannot control another human being. No amount of love or devotion can change someone else, especially when it comes to addiction. Addicts are manipulators. You are in control of only one person: YOU. A healthy relationship, for me, does not include babysitting my loved one.

Please keep coming back and joining us for meetings. So many others are walking in your shoes and sharing their stories. It helps so much to know you are not alone.

And trust your gut. That's one of the first things I connected to in the little blue book.

Love,
Gerilyn

[Giggles15]

Thank you all. This sight is so insightful, it really helps me with knowing what is coming next. I have been trying to trust my gut on this. I lost my job 6 weeks ago and had some money saved and am getting unemployment. He told me to just take some time off and he wanted to take care of me. I don't him to take care of me financially. I have a career and a good one. I have always been financially independent and don't want to stop now especially in these circumstances. He makes great money of course a lot more than me. This is my house I just built it 2 1/2 yrs ago and drive a brand new car. I can cover both of these with my unemployment. I'm letting him pay all the other bills the household. I just know I can't lose my independence in this.

He was a drinker before he turned to ice. He got a DWI had to got to AA and gave up drinking. He is still sober after 4 years! I'm really hoping he can kick this drug habit. He has the wants to be sober. I am feeling like he was away from me and this is going to be his last binge. I want to have faith in my HP that he is going to answer my prayers and he will kick this habit by working his program. He has owed alot of people an apology and he was doing that before he left. He is supposed to come home today we shall see.

I'm glad I have this forum it has really been a blessing.

((((((hugs)))))))
Giggles

[Sqbear42]

"I don't want a man that I have to babysit"

That's exactly what your doing.

Nicole