Thank you for all of the wonderful replies!!
I really do need to get up and get my house in order. It drives me absolutely crazy. It is like a rebellious thing against my husband I think, if I peel enough away to see that. That is the only thing he has really ever been able to use against me, and he has done so to make me feel as though I shouldn't do anything, no volunteering, no taking the kids to the park, no going to the pool, etc., so essentially he kept me in a state of guilt for doing the things that were keeping me sane.
Finally, I tried to go along with him, this time I was going to listen to him because of course, if I did what he said then it would all be great and we would get along, blah blah blah blah. It was at that moment that I began to decline, I had betrayed myself, and I continued to do so, and as I lost the sense of who I am, I became desperate to make this work out.
Then I found myself in the last 6 months being upset unless he was happy and being nice to me.....when I realized this I was in shock. I expected to be able to control this when I became aware of it, that is what I learned years ago with a therapist. That didn't work, I need to dig deeper.
Then I really found something in myself.....I want to be the one doing the leaving, but he screwed around with that skanky whore, that really hurt. So then I tried to dig deeper, because I don't really want to lose the marraige, but why???? Why would anyone want to stay with a man like this. Unpredicable, when it is good it is great, but when it is bad it is scary.
I like the good side of my husband. He can be so loving and generous, through the years we have helped many people in bad situations, but then I began to see an issue with his helping others, he expected them to show him change, he became so involved in his employees personal lives, always wanting to show them the right way.
Yet, he claimed that was me becuase I wanted him to be involved in church with me. I wanted him to step back from the unhealthy relationships at work. Unfortunately he has still not done that. He has serious issues in relationships. He is 41, and I believe it is high time for me to wake up and smell the coffee....He is not growing up......He does not desire to have healthy relationships......and more than anything, he likes drugs.
Now, I just wonder how much of this behavior is related to the drug use. I clearly see that these issues are dealt with in the 12 step program, and I realize that he has to desire this for himself. Since he does not desire it, I cannot change it, and so I must make a decision based on that.
Right now, I must decide that he cannot live in this house until he has stopped doing drugs. The environment is simply not good for me or my children. When he is crazy, I can only keep my composure for so long, and then I snap and start right back at him. Therefore I must protect myself from that.
Okay, I think I am starting to get it some. He is controlling my emotions by making me angry when he is, expecting me to be happy when he is, and I go along, becaue I just want to be happy. Anyway, I really just rambled on, putting my thoughts on here, hoping that this is going to bring me peace, soon.