Dilemma with AD

[Gk61]

Things have been relatively quiet since my AD moved out of the family home and in with her boyfriend. We have had some contact but no major discussions and she recently started working full time and will be for the next four months (low skill job) and plans to go to college in the fall. This past weekend she asked if we would sell her the extra car we have stored since she has enough money for insurance and needs a car to get to her soccer games which are starting in the next couple of weeks (she drove this car for the last two years until she ran out of money this fall to pay her insurance). She also mentioned that she plans to go to college in the fall and expects us to pay for that. Over the last three years we strongly encouraged (and enabled) her to go to university but finally pulled the plug this fall when she failed to attend most classes due to her addiction. Although she is moved out now and we don't see all of her behaviours she still is demonstrating addict thinking and making all kinds of sweeping assumptions. Our dilemma is, we want to support her but don't want to enable her or be manipulated. My husband wants to let her know that she can have the car in exchange she pays the insurance, other fees, and her own tuition if she chooses to go college. He thinks this might help her build more independence and maybe confidence... I'm not so sure, she is probably still an addict will only expect more and not be reasonable about anything. She is still in denial about her addiction (cocaine and alcohol) and I just don't have a good feeling about this. Anyone have any related ESH to share? I'll be praying to my HP for guidance on this. Thanks everyone for listening.

[Angelgirly2]

It looks like you are seeing things as they are. I am glad for you.

"Although she is moved out now and we don't see all of her behaviours she still is demonstrating addict thinking and making all kinds of sweeping assumptions."
"My husband wants to let her know that she can have the car in exchange she pays the insurance, other fees, and her own tuition if she chooses to go college. He thinks this might help her build more independence and maybe confidence... "

It is good that you don't want to be manipulated. Sometimes I have given, something that I can handle losing, to see the reaction and responsibility of the ALO.
Knowing that I am drawing a line in the sand, so to speak, and if they cross it, I can stop, they don't even have to know it is there.
I have learned that my AH makes all sorts of sweeping assumptions. It is really mind blowing to me that people think that way, but it is the drug. And a form of manipulation. And now I understand how it works, I am letting that talk go over my head, sometimes addressing it head-on and others just ignoring it. Doing what I need to do and sometimes I explain and I try to say it just once. All in love and with a good attitude. Because I have a right to think and feel and do what I think is best for me. And you do too. It is not all about them, although that is what addicts think. I have from experienced learned that they will keep demanding more if we give it.
I believe it is a postitive that your daughter is playing soccer, that will really help her.

Blessings to you.

[river rock]

those addict behaviors can last a very long time.
Its our reactions to those that seem to teach them
if they can continue them. My son has learned alot
that he cant use anymore, and still gets caught up
in trying some others. I learned this is where the
boundaries come in. those are up to you, as you said
she can use the car if she pays the insur.etc, that is a boundry.
Those are for you to make.As far as how they see what you
are willing, or not willing to do, thats their choice. If she
decides not to go to school because she has to pay, she doesnt want to
go bad anyway. You can see what she did when you did pay, so
that didnt work. we have no way of knowing what they will or
wont do if things dont suit them, but we have no control, we are
powerless over them.If they are only well when they get what
they want, they arent really well. keep workingit!
love River rock

[Cheryl]

Dear Gloria,

My situation is different from yours as my son is living at home after going through numerous treatment programs. He came home after his last program shortly before his 20th birthday and it was mid-semester. Upon graduation from high school 4 years ago, he went out of state to college which was a disaster. After that his addiction rapidly progressed and school was not in the picture.

Anyway, he returned to a local college in Spring 2011 taking only two classes .... he had to adjust to day to day routine which was difficult for him at times. But since then, he has developed a sense of responsiblity and commitment to school putting in hours for studying. He had the opportunity to go away to college last September but opted against it recognizing that he did not want to be in a situation in which he might get lonely; he also felt that he was still "too vulnerable".

As his choice, starting back to school part-time was relative successful as it kept him from getting too overwhelmed too soon. Starting with less helped him work toward more.

Cheryl

[linda.f]

I have had to look at my motives when faced with this same situation.

I have had to ask myself, "Does his actions show me he is working a program

of recovery?"

I have had to look at my need to do, to give, to someone who I know is not

in active recovery. Who is fragile and has not yet demonstrated enough

clean time or responsibility for being gifted a car.

When I look at all these factors and weigh them out, I then ask myself, "What

will you do if he has an accident and knowing that I allowed him the priviledge

of driving a vehicle that resulted in harm to himself or somebody else?"

I then confirm to myself, I am not ready to follow through with this action.

xo