This quote was sent to me in one of my daily inspirational emails. I found it especially relevant for me today.
"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary"
I received a phone call from my daughter last night. When I see her name on the caller ID, my heart goes in my throat so I was crying already when I picked up. I heard crying on the other end as well. I panic immediately and wonder what is wrong. You see, I don't get phone calls from her anymore unless there is something wrong or she wants money. She said, "I just want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I know tomorrow is really Mother's Day but I just wanted to call tonight. I want to make sure you know that I love you very much." Boo Hoo and blubbering by this point, on my part of the conversation. I tell her that she will never know how much I appreciate hearing that and that I love her too. I don't know how she understood what I was saying I was blubbering so hard, but she has learned to interpret my blubber speech by now, I guess. She assures me she is O.K., even says that she has been thinking about turning herself in. I tell her that I am really missing her and wish she would do that and just get it over with so she can go on with her life.
Then she askes if I would like to drive up and meet her for a bit today. This is the hard part, the making the "leaning not necessary part": I tell her that I just can't do that; My car is really acting up (which is true). But the truth is, I would love nothing more than to go to her today and buy lunch for her and hug her and touch her face. But I just don't have the energy, or the emotional stamina to watch her drive off afterwards to where ever and however she is living. It was very painful to say no. I also can't just take her out to lunch and pretend all if well and good; not when she is breaking the law and on the run. It is sending the wrong message to her.
It is really hard being a mother. Doing the right thing can feel so wrong. But, I love her that much! I hope she realizes that someday.