Been a while, a little confused

[Lexie]

So, it's been a while since I was on here last. Sharing my tales of how my ALO started going to his meetings and starting the recovery process. The last two months of his recovery have been an interesting recovery for mysef as well, because I had to learn very quickly how to live again in my own life and how to focus on my own needs, as well as my own wants and desires.

I had to get back out in the world, especially at faithful day 30 (or so) when he deemed it necessary that he had "Fallen in lOve" and walked away from me. Told me to let him go. I had no other choice, and so I did. Broken, bruised and beaten on the floor... I didn't know where else to turn I went to my friends. People i had forgotten about for so long, and thankfully they were there. They helped pull me out of the darkness and sadness and helped make life fun again.

Now, here I am at his day 66... or.. our day 66 really. We are friends again, and he admitted to me that he Loved me, and I know that loving someone is not the same as being IN LOve with somone and as much as my heart cries out to hear that... I know it's too soon. I know that neither one of us is ready for that, but I can't help my heart from hoping.


I am, a bit stuck though, because as he goes through recovery.. he is faced with life problems that do come up.. things that he put off, or issues he may have caused while he was in active addiction, that now he needs to figure out how to fix. I am not sure if it is... "right" to want to help him out, but with certain... limits.. or if that is still enabling him.. b/c in some situations... It's kind of a blind trust. Has anyone else gone through this before? What do you do?

[Cheryl]

Dear Roxie,

You wrote,

I am not sure if it is... "right" to want to help him out, but with certain... limits.. or if that is still enabling him

There are no right or wrong answers in any of this, only your answers can work for you.

You say that he needs to figure out how to fix some of the issues that he may have caused while in active addiction. If that is the type of help he needs, does he have a sponsor who can advise him? Or if he has legal problems, does he have an attorney who can advise him? Long ago, I told my son that I love him with all of my heart and that I was there for him in recovery, but I could not and would not be his sponsor or his higher power. I had to do that not just for his benefit but also for mine .... I had to step out of the role of caretaker and enabler.

Just my opinion.
Cheryl

[Believer]

When I am faced with situations and questions that I am not sure what the right thing or answer might be. I decide that I need to do nothing at this particular time. I allow myself the opportunity to just take a step back sit with it for awhile and not feel like I have to figure it all our right away. No one can make your choices for you they are yours and only yours to make, I also pray and ask for my higher powers guidance and patiently wait sometimes even have to endure his painfully slow response. As I am learning to do this I am finding that the choices that I make end up being the ones I can be at peace with. I also remind myself of the old adage that " Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" to me this is an oldie but goodie. Hoping you find peace in whatever works for you.

hang in there
Peace Marie

[drinkingwater]

Hey Lexie,
Keeping track of someone else's recovery keeps me from truly embracing my own. I had to stop counting my addict's days clean because it was keeping me way too entangled in his hula hoop. I had so much work to do on my own that I really needed to re-focus myself there. Helping someone else with their own 'life problems' or things they did while actively using is not my job. It's their job. Part of recovery is figuring out how to fix things on your own - growing up and learning to live life as a useful member of society.

Blind trust doesn't work for me anymore. My addict saw to that. I will never blindly trust anyone again... trust must be earned from me, it is not freely given.

::hugs::
Lindsey

[evergrowing]

What I discovered was that all my 'helping' wasn't actually helping my ALO at all. It was hurting him in fact. When I 'helped' him, I took away his dignity. I took away the chance for him to take the reigns. I thought I was helping by encouraging him to go to meetings, but really I was being controlling. Then when he did go, he just went cause I bullied him into it.

Once I backed off and let him make his own mistakes, he was able to learn from them. He has to go to meetings because he knows they help him in his sobriety. I wish I could have taught him this, but it was something he had to learn from his own experience.

It was really hard for me to understand this at first. That's why I had to keep coming back. I had to do the work: meetings, sponsor, steps. That's how I found my answers and peace and sanity in my life.

[Lexie]

The help he needed was finanical. I know the answer to my own question, that if I am to help him it has to be in my way. So, knowing that he doesn't have a job means I know he can't afford certain things, but the days of handing over money are long gone. I will make sure I see where every cent goes, as well as make sure there are no other options available before I just drop the cash and say, "here you go".

I've been jugging my finances too long to go back to that place where i was hyperventilating waiting for my paycheck to go in just to get gas to get to work. So, I know I need to focus on me. Yes, my ALO is in recovery and as we grow... we will face similiar situations.. so I guess I just have to do what feels... RIght and less.. stress inducing to me. It's okay for me to selfish and speak my mind and how I feel.. so long as he understand i'm not tearing him down.. I'm just stating what I need/want/feel.