Roles

[Angelgirly2]

I know the different roles of being a wife and mother. As a "mother" you nuture, protect and provide. Especially if you are single. It is up to you, you are the boss. Make the dicisions, call the shots. Nag and boss sometimes. And at times feel like you are doing EVERYTHING. Eventually it comes to an end. They grow up and get their own lives and eventhough you might have input, it is given and they take your advice or leave it. And you pray and believe that what you put into them will take root. And they have to choose.
With a husband, well it is still a bit of nuturing. And protecting in a way like cooking good healthy meals, making a happy home. Being there and being loving. A man has to stand on his own. A husband has certain responsibilities, and when he is falling down in drugs it is difficult for the wife. I believe the core need of a man is respect, like the core need of a women is love. Still we both need love and respect, but one seems to be more important than the other to each sex. Finding that ground to stand on is a challenge. I don't want to run the show. But how can a women trust the judgement of someone that is so incased in addiction?

I know with my children there was natural consequences that I had to allow to happen. "Forgot your backpack for school?' "I am so sorry, I guess you will have to take a lower grade on that due paper." "What forgot to order lunch?" "You will be super hungry for dinner or afterschool snack." "Gee, you are gaming instead of doing your college work, wow that is too bad that you will miss out on going to the university your uncle wanted to pay for" (THAT one made me very sad.)

Sometimes as a women I know I have to be careful not to give to my husband what is mostly important to me, love and protection, because his need is more along the lines of respect and admiration. He is big and bad enough to suffer the consequences. I HAVE to let it happen. I really don't want the fall out, because it will effect me. Loss of money, loss of ??? I don't know what. I am praying to God for protection in all of this. I do know that by being a part of the Nar-Anon family, and going to my Al-Anon meetings, and going to church and taking care of myself I will make better decisions. I want to do the right thing.

[Lyra]

Something I have heard over and over since coming to NarAnon is that the most respectful AND loving thing we can do for our ALOs is give them the dignity of making their own decisions and dealing with their own consequences. They usually want us to let them make their own decisions-and they may have gotten coddled and used to us cushioning the consequences of those decisions, but the two things are a package deal-as an adult we make decisions and we deal with the consequences, positive or negative, of those decisions. Standing back and allowing the adult alos in our lives live as adults, giving them that respect and loving them enough to let them deal with it themselves, without stepping in and "helping" or "saving", thats all we can do. It shows that we respect them as adults who are in charge of themselves. Of course we are in charge of ourselves too, so that means we can make changes, decisions and choices to help protect ourselves and maintain our happiness and peace of mind.

[Roxers2011]

Really great share. Thank you!

[DianeB]

As I came here in such pain to fix my son, I never believed that
I would find something so much more.

In finding that I could not fix him, I found that I had to change
myself. The problem was that I didn't know what self to change.

I had been defined by so many roles. Mother, wife, employee,
manager, friend, daughter, sister...I didn't know who I really was.

I tried valiantly to meet each one of those roles, at least what I
believed the perfect definition of them was. I tried, I so tried.
I failed in the biggest role....ME. I failed to find that I was OK
just being me. I didn't have to meet a role, I didn't have to meet
someone's definition of what I should be. I could just be me. I learned
to rely on me. I no longer have to be anything else...just me.

That has taken quite a few years of self discovery that still continues
to evolve.

It was a set of circumstances that placed me in each different role and
somewhere along the way I lost me. I can tell you that I am so very
happy finding who I am and not being defined by a role.

Hugs....