Help! New Here...

[sophiaf]

Hello!
Nice to meet you all! I'm a 34 year old stay home mom dealing with an addicted sister who has problems with opiates. My extended family lives in Ohio. I don't know where to start!
I started hearing from my mom that sister whose dealt with alcohol and drugs for awhile, had been passing out cold leaving her 3 yr old daughter unattended. I was livid. I started calling my sister and letting her know that if she didn't talk to me about a plan to get help I would be reporting her to children's services. She didn't so I started contacting CSB and got that ball rolling. She of course was upset and I let her know I'd continue with updates after hearing anything about her opiate use (she has chronic back pain from a degenerative disc). This continued till I visited in the spring and found my sister in jail after she broke her probation for something. Her baby's dad is in a codependent relationship with my sister. During that same spring we found out that he was doping up on bath salts and having a heck of a time also. His mom had voluntary custody of their daughter at that moment and told me while visiting that I needed to get custody of the daughter because she couldn't do it anymore. Long story short, we got a lawyer and were unsuccessful due to a loophole on a crappy judge's part and now in debt with nothing to show.
During my sister's stay in jail, she wrote me and said that she'd found God and really wanted my help. We talked about her coming out here and starting over. I was excited! When she got out of jail, I forked over a ton more money and brought her and her daughter to my home. During the course of their stay, my sister talked her daughter's father into joining them. I was so upset! At the time, I had no idea of the nature of the disease and how little control I had over her. I sure tried! It was a mess. My sister was doing pills around that time through spring of this year (she told me all the while that she was on suboxone(sp?) and anything fishy about her appearance when questioned would be blamed on the suboxone. In Feb of this year I was going to take her and her daughter to a meeting (Please know I adore her daughter and am glad that at least they live close so that I can help with her if need be). I called an hour before hand to make sure they still needed me and got no answers. I almost didn't go! By the grace of God I did and found my sister in tremors on the floor and her daughter all alone! She spent a week in ICU for the toxins that were released in her body. There were bruised finger prints found all over her, and the catch is they weren't from the baby's dad. My sister has no recollection of where they came from! They had her area of the hospital on lock down.
I told her she'd burnt all her bridges with us and needed to go straight from the hospital into rehab and she did. She spent a month there and promised the world to me while getting help. Her daughter stayed with me and did well!
When she got out she went straight to an Oxford House and within a week was asked to leave due to pill use AGAIN! She of course lied to me till I caught her in the lies. She lives with baby daddy again (though he is doing REALLY well. His addiction is her now... he puts up with a TON of crap). Her daughter is high anxiety and doing poorly this time round. She told me that she had dreams that mommy died and was worried about when she was away! Makes me ill!
My sister has a job. I don't know if she's using but I'm assuming so. Here are my questions... What is expected of me? We came from the same childhood and had the same alcoholic dad and co dependent mother. I honestly don't know how to spend time with someone who LIES about everything! She's tell my mother how mean I am because I don't want to spend time with her but the thought of it makes my stomach sick! Now I love her, I'm helping with her daughter every step of the way and let her stay with us anytime, anyway. But spending time with my sister again sounds horrible. Is that wrong? I feel like I've mastered the whole "don't try to control her" part (that was a hard one). But as a Christian, should I be doing more? Should I hang out with her and invite her over? I feel cruel....
I have attended Nar Anon meetings for two weeks now. I didn't know about the sponsor part till reading about it on this forum. Will work on that next.... Any and all help appreciated!!! Thanks for your time!

[Believer]

Welcome I am glad you found your way here. I am so grateful that you are there for an innocent child. I have found that is all that I can do. We can only learn to manage ourselves and other adults will do what they will do. I know we wish this was not the case yet in my experience this is just the way it goes. We all are here because we have at least one addicted loved one in our life. We are here to learn what we can do to preserve our sanity, and take the best care of us that we can. Addiction is a family disease and affects all who are in the path of the destruction is weaves. Just keep coming back and take good care of you and hoping you do whatever you can to help the little one.

Prayers for you and yours

peace marie

[Laura]

Welcome. I am glad you found this place. We offer experience, strength and hope, but not advice.

I find posting here is a way to help me work through what I have going on, as well as reading other people's experience. I attend 2 face to face meetings a week which is very helpful. There are online meetings here every night, Eastern Standard Time. Check under Announcements or click on the chat button on the right hand side of the screen to access a scheduled meeting.

I have also found it helpful to read the naranon literature. Saying the serenity prayer helps as well.

Please keep coming back.

Laura

[river rock]

welcome! I too have a sister who is toxic to me, and not JUST
me. she is not my addict. I do detach from her also, because
she is not good for me to be around. I love her, I dont like
her much, she is angry and bitter, and starts stuff with everyone.
I am polite to her, I am socially respectful, But I dont hang
out with her. I dont feel bad, I dont hold a grudge. Its just that
I cant be the best me when I hang with her, she is mean and cruel,
aqnd disrespectful even to my elderly parents. You are not obligated
to be her friend. You can only control you and take care of you, It was
a while before I got it, now that I do, Im not going to be treated
that way. Keep coming.
River rock

[DianeB]

Welcome to the Forum!

I am so glad that you found your way here. This is
a place with much wisdom, experience, strength and
hope. WE have all come here in such pain looking for
help. I did. I found help here but it meant sticking around
and keeping an open mind. It meant listening to what others
did to help themselves. It meant going to meetings, reading
literature and working on myself.

Please go to Nar-Anon.org for a listing of f2f meetings that might be in your area.
If there are no Nar-Anon, try any other 12 step “anon” program. Just do go
to a meetings. Try it more than once. Give it a good or 6 times so you can
become familiar with the people and comfortable in the meetings.

Come to our online meetings. Look under announcements for the days and times.
Access is easy….just look up and to the right…click on Chat and it will bring you
straight into a meeting!

There is a meeting tonight…join us, we would love to meet you.

While you are at the Nar-Anon.org website, order some of the literature.
You can also pick it up at your f2f meeting. The literature will be a great source of
education and inspiration for you. It has been for me.

Once again…..WELCOME! You are not alone, we know what it is to love someone
who suffers from addiction and we know the pain it causes us. We understand.

Hugs….and….KEEP COMING BACK!!

[sophiaf]

Thanks for everyone's words of encouragement! I have been to two local nar anon meetings. I'm literally dying for advice and I know you can't give it. River Rock, my sister is a little more tricky! She's very nice and has a great sense of humor; but she's extremely paranoid and uses your words against you. She takes EVERYTHING super personal. Yesterday she came to pick up her daughter after work and she seemed so normal and back to her old fun self! Now that I know her more, I'm afraid to let my guard down and be friends with her. Especially when she CAN'T tell the truth.
Here's what I'd like to say to her:
"When you are actively seeking help, going to meetings, and getting counseling, we can work on our relationship. Right now you are not and that makes me scared and worried. I can't trust that what you are saying is the truth which makes me fearful being around you. I'm here and will help with your daughter in every way possible and will always be kind to you and love you, but we can't have a friendship as things stand now."

BUT! Is that a Christian response? I don't know if I should suck it up and just spend time with her while being on my guard and taking everything she says with a grain of salt. She has said before that she calls me so that she won't isolate herself and feel like using again. But is that fair to me? Especially when she can go to groups and get a sponsor?

I wish we had the money for therapy so I could know better how to establish these boundaries. I want more than my comfort, I want to do the right thing!

[Lyra]

Sophia for a while I spent ALL my time (to the point that it was detrimental to me and my happiness) with my ALO because thats what he wanted, in part to help him keep clean. Guess what? he relapsed anyways. Since then he has gotten clean and then relapsed a second time and is now in active addiction. The second time he got clean I told him that I couldnt be his crutch anymore. I am willing ot be supportive and spend time with him, but not ALL my time and I told him I wanted him to contact his sponsors or other people who understood what he was struggling with as his first line of defense instead of turning to me for everything-that not being an addict I could NOT help like sponsors could.

Now he is in active addiction and I spend even less time with him than I did when he was in recovery. I turn my phone off regularly, I turn it off or put it on silent at night. I do not jump everytime he calls or wants to hang out, first I ask if I want to.

I personally feel that i am no good to my ALO if I am busy feeling angry frustrated and resentful towards him because I am spending too much time around the difficult symptoms of his addiction (the lying, manipulation, paranoia, arguing, etc). I spend time when I want to, and if our interaction turns negative I can walk away. By setting boundaries to protect myself and have time for myself, when I DO choose to spend time around him, I can have a more positive relationship and feel compassion for him and his illness instead of being sick and tired of him. I can be more supportive when I am taking care of myself first and taking time and space for me. And I dont have to explain myself to my ALO unless I want to.