Who's rock bottom is this anyway

With the understanding that addiction is a disease and the realization that we are powerless over it as well as over people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own.

Then, and only then can we be of any help to others.

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Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by kcs66 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 8:32 pm

Who's rock bottom is this anyway?

So, I've been working on staying calm and not spiraling into a panic while my 18 year old son is struggling. I'm having good days and bad days, alternating between a feeling of heartbreak and lot's of tears, honestly still having major anxiety about the situation... I'm just not reacting in front of my son. That is technically not detachment and definitely not peace. But I am aware and practicing... I'm doing well not reacting with anger, judgement, confrontation to my son's drama, lack of sobriety. Overall my head and body feel better letting go of as much of that as I can.

In the meantime he is headed for rock bottom. He was in a car accident early this morning (he's not hurt and no other cars were involved, than God). He was arrested for a DUI. My husband and I drove an hour to the hospital and police station to bail him out and bring him home. He's awake now 6 hours later and getting ready for work.. and he is pissed, denying that he was impaired, accusing the Police of wrongly accusing him, demanding his car back so that he can keep driving (regardless of a DUI conviction).

We're not giving him the car back. We may agree to drive him to work so that he can keep his job. I missed work today. My husband had to fork over $300 to retrieve the car. I assume there will be lawyer fees. And my guess is he will panic and get angry and unpredictable when he realizes his car is gone. His car equals freedom. We live in a rural area and it won't be easy for him to get his drugs, see his "friends", drive around, go to work with out a car. I am preparing myself for my son's rock bottom.

Sharing this with people that have experienced similar pain is a comfort to me. I keep reminding myself that I am not alone.

I feel this may be rock bottom for me too.

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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by LKSG8R » Fri Jan 12, 2018 9:07 pm

The absolute hardest thing to do is to say "no" to an addict. They get angry, try to deflect blame, try to manipulate us with promises, use the guilt card, twist the story, twist our words. Anything to get what they need to continue to use. It's even harder when it's our child. We are so programmed to be loving, giving, encouraging. But when our child is an addict, those things equal enabling.

My AS, now 22 years old, would have used any and all tactics he could think of to keep his car. Because you are exactly right: their car = freedom and a means to get their substance of choice. There were so many times when my son was 17 or 18 that I should have taken away his car, but I wasn't strong enough to say no. Simply "no" without an explanation. Others on this forum have said that "no" is a complete sentence.

Do I think that losing his car would have been my AS's rock bottom? Maybe, maybe not. However, saying "no" to the car when he first tipped it over driving high (at 17) would have set a precedent of experiencing consequences for his poor choices. Because of my weakness of heart and my husband's need to enable, my AS has not truly experienced consequences. Maybe if he had things would be different for him now at 22.

Keep coming back. As a fellow parent I wish you peace and strength.
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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by MarieW » Fri Jan 12, 2018 10:33 pm

I don't want to scare you, but I wish my son's first arrest was his rock bottom. It wasn't even close. It was 7 years ago, when he was 18. Since then he has been arrested 3 (4?) more times, missed Christmases and birthdays because he was in jail, been homeless. He has also had long periods of sobriety, one time for 18 months. Other times when I thought he must have hit rock bottom, he just pulled out a jack hammer and kept digging.

Addiction is a marathon. The first time my son was arrested, I bailed him out, hired a lawyer, drove him to work and community service. It was all a waste of my time, energy and money. Because I accepted so much of the consequences of his bad behavior, he didn't learn and didn't have to change. Since then, no bail out, no lawyers (his public defenders have all been very professional and competent). Now I try to focus on me and only take responsibility for the consequences of my behavior. I say "try" because there are times, like when he got high and broke his leg last year, that I still step in and soften the fall. Progress not perfection...

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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by Ma1954 » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:28 am

This sounds exactly like my life in 2010. Three DUI's later and alcohol is not longer DOC, In the present my AS (24) has asked to go to rehab and I hope it will work. I helped him make phone calls this morning because he didn't know what to do. AS has hep c and liver failure. He needs another tooth pulled. He twisted his ankle and can't walk. His car is impounded. He is homeless because he broke all our rules. My husband hopes he od's. I put him in a welfare motel because of the cold (then he hurt his ankle and can't walk so I kept the room) I'm living life against my moral feelings. My life is unmanageable. Please HP God, help me. Who has hit rock bottom? Keep coming back because there is ESH and people you can count on here. Hugs, Sue.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired

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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by HollyTx » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:42 am

Hi Kim,

(((HUGS))). It's so hard to watch our children whom we love and raised make poor life choices - especially in addiction land.

Our rock bottom or theirs - the process is the same. Meeting, Sponsor, Steps.

I still have a hard time detaching. My husband does it better on certain things - so I told him, that if he's up for it, he can handle those things. They just make me anxious when I step in. So I won't anymore (well, at least not on a good day. Let's be honest, I'm human not superwoman).


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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by SDIN2T » Sat Jan 13, 2018 11:52 am

Who's rock bottom is this anyway?
As my addicts continue to go deeper into addiction, I could no longer wait for them to find their rock bottom because it may never exist. But what was important was that I realized I hit MY rock bottom over 3 years ago when I crawled into this Forum and F2F meetings. My addicts gave me the gift of desperation I wished they had.

As my signature states, "And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life".

My rock bottom, My recovery, My life.

And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life - JK Rowling

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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by grateful » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:26 pm

I discovered that practicing one day, one hour, one minute at a time helped me stay focused on me and what I needed to do for me. If my thoughts were primarily of him, I felt crummy. If I focused on how my AS was when he was younger, I would feel those "Mommy juices" flowing and I'd want to treat him like the child he wasn't anymore. If I tried to peer into the future to see what I couldn't see regarding my life or my son's life, I'd feel anxious and scared. If I focused on me and what I needed to take good care of myself or my responsibilities (and my son in his mid-twenties was no longer "MY responsibility - he was his responsibility) I could cope more readily with what was actually happening and could feel more peaceful. I had choices about where I placed my focused attention and I learned how to make things easier on myself by choosing to focus more on me and less on him.
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Re: Who's rock bottom is this anyway

Post by endoftheroad » Sat Jan 13, 2018 10:28 pm

You have a golden opportunity here to do what is best for you and your husband! Yep, odd to hear that, one mother to another, but giving them the consequences of their own actions is very powerful. It may not be his bottom, but you will set the barometer on what you can take and what he must live up to. In our house we believe if you do the crime, you do the time.

Well, I was a flunkie at this thought and so was my husband when our addicted son was 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24 and 25. We went to bat for him every time believing that if we helped him out he would find the right path :shock: All he found was a couple of suckers who would pave the way :o That's a tough way of saying it, but if I had to do over again, I would never put a pillow under his head until I saw an honest, authentic, humble person willing to admit he was wrong. And one with an honest program toward sobriety. This is not in a young addicts makeup. They are all about invincibility and living for the high.

So, my son is now 29, in and out of jail for petty theft so that he can stay high. We took away the car, insurance, gas money, phone line etc when he was 25 and that was that. I am not sure of the laws in your state, but if our son was caught in another DUI or DUID after the first time, in one of our cars, we would be liable as we would have known that he had a previous offense in driving a car under the influence. That was OUR bottom.

Stick around the Forum, read the stories and find a meeting. We have them here online. You will find information under Announcements.
This is the easier softer way.....

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